Damn!!!! that is exactly what I said when I saw the person who was moving into the recently vacated house that is just adjacent to mine. This lady is profusely blessed with all the apparatus that a man would wish for in a lady. Am sure if she is a policeman I am more than ready to be among the "Pangani Six," This is the lady who made DJ Moh cry and Bobby Mapesa try to convince us that he got saved.
The first day when she started moving into the house, i voluntarily offered my services even if they were not sought for. I carried a "three seater" sofa-set all by myself just to try and create the first impression to her. I actually shared my supper with her employing one of the #TeamMafisi proverbs "Najua umechoka huezi pika, kam tupike kwangu." As if that was not enough, I was her electrician, technician, plumber, and carpenter. as I am the one who fixed her shower, TV, sink, and even the bed. Am telling you this lady is irresistible...
My main aim was to get a companion when "winter" rocks the Nairobi county and the entire country at large. It didn't last even two weeks before the rains started pounding and all you could hear is Vinniewatz singing "this is the day, this is the day, that the landlord has made..." She came to the house early and as usual knocked at my door. I peeped through the window veil and after realizing she was the one, i pole danced for a minute. I slammed my arm on the other! FEELING THAT MY prayers have been answered. Upon opening the door with this wide smile cracking my lips, I said hi to her with an accent, biting my lower lip, rolling my pupil, if Pitbul was around he could have shouted Fireball!!!!!
The lady snubbed my stunt and just said, "Hi, eeee please help me with a matchbox, I have a visitor; hence, I need to cook early. I felt like wagging my tail between my legs like a shy dog as i handed the "kiberiti" to her dumbfounded, she could not even notice that smile. She just said, "hope uko poa" and walked to her room. As she cooked, a train of thoughts whirled through my wits and expectations pressured me to the throat. I gathered courage and decided to go to her room and proof my Ufisi skills. I knocked her door confidently and started weird topics. "Hii baridi joh, waa unaifeel aje." She snubbed my queries with a sarcastic laughter as she continued cooking.
Moments later, the door flew open and a well-built body, tall, well-shaved man entered the room. The lady did not even mind her meal but rushed to him, jumped on him, romanced and became happy about each other for around five minutes without realizing that am in the room. I left them after saying hi and threw myself on my couch in my room. The problem was not yet over, If you have lived in our "third world-estates" you know what is a bedsitter. It is just a nice name referring to a single room in the below poverty line Nairobi estates. The problem with our houses is that you can hear what is happening in the next room clearer than your what you are watching on your TV. My friends hell broke loose during the night, i could hear every aaaaaaawwww, uuuuuuuuu,,,,,,aaaaaaaaa, call my name, harder!!! The rain pounded heavily and according to my phone the weather was at 10 degrees Celsius. I tried to watch a movie, pluck earphones, sleep, wake up and cook coffee but my efforts came to naught. The entire night i felt like i could return those sofa-sets i carried all the way to sixth floor to the ground floor for that man to carry. Jealousy pierced as hard as a needle, imaginations whirled, and hatred mounted.
My people in the morning she asked me how was my night? Honestly, what should i tell her. Please the pangani six help me in removing her.... for there to be peace My Neighbor Must GO!!
