HOW TO KNOW THAT SLAY QUEENS ARE NOT REALLY QUEENS, BALLOT BOX
Everything in Kenya right now is perambulating around the coming elections on 8th August 2017. There is a sundry of reactions among the electorates and aspirants ranging from tension, anxiety, optimism among others.
However, there is this interesting agglomeration of half-minded voters calling themselves slay queens; who flummox voting and social media (who are only popular on Instagram). Let me begin by bringing you up-to-speed on who slay queens are. In my book (insert Prof Hamo voice), Slay Queens are these addled topsy-turvy ladies having a mass of bones holding on some pieces of flesh that they love to leave bare for people to see. In short they are all horizontally challenged female species who hide under a coat of make-up that can be used to advertise house paints. Their lives swirls around social media with their cheaply manicured nails having scratches for taping the phone pervasively. their cheap talk is how a photo garnered 3300 likes and one of the likes was by Nick Mutuma(Ladies how do you go through 3000 likes to pin point who liked your photo?), but when you ask them about future plans they hem and haw scratching their rusty brains out. Actually, these ladies may hate you for not liking their photo on instagram. They shave their eyebrows only to draw them again with a pencil (this is first class witchcraft). Slay queens have a kitchen cabinet of people who orbit in their lives, you will see them tag each other photos on social sites with hashtags #twinning #slaying #killing, i dont know why they keep on killing and those other gerund verbs. Another seminal characteristic defining slay queens is how they pose for a photo; one leg is tilted a bit, lips are folded in a circular format like the bottle neck of a cocacola bottle or Mbuusi saying hakuna Mbrrrrcha, one arm holds onto back of their head and the other takes the photo. If you accidentally photo bomb and you are not part of her kitchen cabinet, my friend you will be cropped like its hot.
Matters election, slay queens are going to vote for the purpose of taking a photo and adding aggravating million hashtags. Come tomorrow, slay queens will be in crop tops amid this chilly weather, their nacreous look made of 3 tins of make-ups will be very conspicuous.By jove, you will be surprised that whatever you see on Instagram is 109% exaggerated. That smooth skin and dimples you see on Instagram are all artificial. Her back peripherals on real sense are the size of a computer mouse despite their humongous size on Instagram. On the election day, they will pose silly questions with their colloquial and run-on phrases that do not resemble English nor any other formal language eg. Excuse can i arrange the line here? They will think that voting is equated to stalking Alikiba on instagram where they command attention with their publicized narcissism and denuding nature. They will come to vote at 3 pm after spending the rest of the day dressing and applying make-up; remember, there is a young man who will be kept for all these hours waiting for the slay queen to preppare as they are LIVERPOOL, they never walk alone. A spanner boy or friend-zoned ninja must be there responding to all the unimaginable questions like should I wear blue, red, indigo, beige, or purple lipstick?. They will arrive at 3 pm and expect to vote within 5 minutes and leave. Shock on them, the line will be longer than that of people entering the gates of Canaan. People woke at 5am to go and vote but slay queens will imagine that they are so special and they will be treated the smae way as people with disability or pregnant women; sorry, real life does not condone online stupidity. Hapo ndio utajua polisi hapana tambua make-up
After being on the line for 2 hours, updated 64 Facebook status and 98 instagram posts, taken 309 photos, and drank 9 bottles of water, slay queens will start giving up. Aiii kwani kenyan elections are shambolic aje? imagine in states they vote online, ata its two hours to a bash i was invited in westy, its not a must i vote, naeza follow them on twitter. The sun will not have mercy on them, the cheap Eastleigh make-up will start gushing down their faces like the glaziers on north-pole or the tides of Indian ocean on full moon. Make-up will start peeling off after the scramble and the tussle on the voting line. Her nails will prickle and sandals tear due to the struggle, freezing wind will blow through her belly that is uncovered by the crop top. her nashoro skin will start to show off, my fren you dont wanna know. just go and vote to experience the phenomena first hand
