SLAY QUEEN VOTERS, KENYA ELECTIONS

HOW TO KNOW THAT SLAY QUEENS ARE NOT REALLY QUEENS, BALLOT BOX

Everything in Kenya right now is perambulating around the coming elections on 8th August 2017. There is a sundry of reactions among the electorates and aspirants ranging from tension, anxiety, optimism among others.

However, there is this interesting agglomeration of half-minded voters calling themselves slay queens; who flummox voting and social media (who are only popular on Instagram). Let me begin by bringing you up-to-speed on who slay queens are. In my book (insert Prof Hamo voice), Slay Queens are these addled topsy-turvy ladies having a mass of bones holding on some pieces of flesh that they love to leave bare for people to see. In short they are all horizontally challenged female species who hide under a coat of make-up that can be used to advertise house paints. Their lives swirls around social media with their cheaply manicured nails having scratches for taping the phone pervasively. their cheap talk is how a photo garnered 3300 likes and one of the likes was by Nick Mutuma(Ladies how do you go through 3000 likes to pin point who liked your photo?), but when you ask them about future plans they hem and haw scratching their rusty brains out. Actually, these ladies may hate you for not liking their photo on instagram. They shave their eyebrows only to draw them again with a pencil (this is first class witchcraft). Slay queens have a kitchen cabinet of people who orbit in their lives, you will see them tag each other photos on social sites with hashtags #twinning #slaying #killing, i dont know why they keep on killing and those other gerund verbs. Another seminal characteristic defining slay queens is how they pose for a photo; one leg is tilted a bit, lips are folded in a circular format like the bottle neck of a cocacola bottle or Mbuusi saying hakuna Mbrrrrcha, one arm holds onto back of their head and the other takes the photo. If you accidentally photo bomb and you are not part of her kitchen cabinet, my friend you will be cropped like its hot.

Matters election, slay queens are going to vote for the purpose of taking a photo and adding aggravating million hashtags. Come tomorrow, slay queens will be in crop tops amid this chilly weather, their nacreous look made of 3 tins of make-ups will be very conspicuous.By jove, you will be surprised that whatever you see on Instagram is 109% exaggerated. That smooth skin and dimples you see on Instagram are all artificial. Her back peripherals on real sense are the size of a computer mouse despite their humongous size on Instagram. On the election day, they will pose silly questions with their colloquial and run-on phrases that do not resemble English nor any other formal language eg. Excuse can i arrange the line here? They will think that voting is equated to stalking Alikiba on instagram where they command attention with their publicized narcissism and denuding nature. They will come to vote at 3 pm after spending the rest of the day dressing and applying make-up; remember, there is a young man who will be kept for all these hours waiting for the slay queen to preppare as they are LIVERPOOL, they never walk alone. A spanner boy or friend-zoned ninja must be there responding to all the unimaginable questions like should I wear blue, red, indigo, beige, or purple lipstick?. They will arrive at 3 pm and expect to vote within 5 minutes and leave. Shock on them, the line will be longer than that of people entering the gates of Canaan. People woke at 5am to go and vote but slay queens will imagine that they are so special and they will be treated the smae way as people with disability or pregnant women; sorry, real life does not condone online stupidity. Hapo ndio utajua polisi hapana tambua make-up

After being on the line for 2 hours, updated 64 Facebook status and 98 instagram posts, taken 309 photos, and drank 9 bottles of water, slay queens will start giving up. Aiii kwani kenyan elections are shambolic aje? imagine in states they vote online, ata its two hours to a bash i was invited in westy, its not a must i vote, naeza follow them on twitter. The sun will not have mercy on them, the cheap Eastleigh make-up will start gushing down their faces like the glaziers on north-pole or the tides of Indian ocean on full moon. Make-up will start peeling off after the scramble and the tussle on the voting line. Her nails will prickle and sandals tear due to the struggle, freezing wind will blow through her belly that is uncovered by the crop top. her nashoro skin will start to show off, my fren you dont wanna know. just go and vote to experience the phenomena first hand

My new neighbor is a lady, Part 2

Due to public demand, I have to tell Kenyans and my diaspora(Rongai) enthusiastic readers what innuendos am going through since I got a new neighbor. Without much a dos and a don'ts, Ladies and gentlemen, keep your hands together for Churchill show,,,ooops sorry, that is free airtime, (take 2), ladies and gentlemen, keep your hands together for "My new neighbor is a lady part 2"

"Previously, on Vinniewatz chronicles" (you have to sound like a movie guy reading that part), I was telling you how I fed a cow then another ninja milked it all night as I witnessed everything. I say "God of the poor does not sleep" opportunity knocks once, but for me, its begging to knock again.

Yesterday, I was chilling with my "nguyz" kwa base. I like hanging out at the "Bushery" as in butchery with "wanyamazaji" the guyz who sell Nyama in order to fullfill what our president said; "Kuna wale wakukula nyama na wakumeza mate" your guess is right, mimi ni wa kukula, though kwa macho. I don't know why only ladies purchase meat, if you want to see guys, go to a Madondo Chafua kibanda. "As we were beating story for one another" (kuchapiana story), i heard someone shout my name in a voice that indicated highest level of desperation. "Vinnie, VINnnie, VINNIE" I slowly lifted my handsome face, pulled my chubby cheeks trying to "remove" dimples but all in vain. Anyhow, it was my new neighbor. Based on her panting and the way she shouted my name, I was surely in need, and they say a friend in need is a friend in deed (yani matendo ata hiyo mengine, arama ya dukuduku...).

Remember how last time she misused me, carrying her things and all that slavery, but all i could do "ni kumeza mate while another ninja ate meat all night. This time round I had sworn not to be taken for granted again, once beaten, twice shy. However, this time she looked serious based on the wrinkles she had on her face, more than my cucu's. "Vinnie, nimepoteza key yangu ya mlango, aki can i crush (ama ni crash) in your room, i know this is not a good idea, aki am in need, sorry i am disturbing... bla bla" "Easy girl" I interrupted sounding like Idris Elba, who said you are nagging me. I touched my chin twice and pulled up the color of my shirt, an indication of confidence. I think Versman could have used me for are an advert at that juncture. These were the best news ever, ati she is sorry, sorry for what, sorry my middle foot. Actually she should be sorry for not doing this all along she became my neighbor. Bang! sing along with me " I got a feeling*3, tonight wanna be a good night, ati tonight wanna be a good night..." Najua hapo pekee...

Without wasting time, I ordered for meat (actually it was a debt, the nguy was reluctant to give me the meat but after considering what i was going to bang tonight, he had to, roho safi). We passed via the movie shop, bought a very provoking movie. In my mind I thought by the middle of that movie, things would have gone down, the heat that would have been turnt up, only the oven knows. I hurriedly prepared the meal talking all the sweet things she could desire. I was a prince charming for a moment, telling her how the plot has been clean since she became our neighbor. I inserted the movie and sat with her ready to start the action.

Heeee, not that fast my guys. after supper, she said that she was not in the mood for watching a movie and because the following day was a working day, she had to sleep early. Now, I need a committee of inquiry to explain to me what i did wrong to the ancestors, hii kumeza mate na ushanunua nyama, aii its too much. I tried to sweet talk the lady to spend in my bed for two hours but she vehemently refuted saying that she knows those tricks. Ati she has a guy and just sleeping close to me is equivalent to cheating. Aki she refused and refused, and spent on the couch. Right now am waking up to see her "bootiful" self lying on the couch sound a sleep while i spent the whole night awake wishing that she would change her mind or I transform to a ghost like in Naija movies and do the thing without her noticing. #Teammafisi how do you pull these stunts off? I think i will sell the couch so that next time she has no other option but to spend with me, ama aje wakubwa?

TWENDE RIO NA KA FORM FOUR

Guys this is for sure, I was in Rio. For those complaining that "I have lost" sijui content iliisha" mara nilisanywa comp" Mayne! am there like I never left, am there like Malaria in Africa, I mean like corruption in Kenya. Nilitaka nikae four years without releasing a single like Nyanshyski ama Amani then come with a hot one, but am sorry, my hot story is not cooked yet.

As I said, I was in Rio for the Olympics; am the guy who is making NOCK to be knocked out, the guy who is giving Wario sleepless nights, am that guy trending on twitter, making Kenyans feel like deporting me like Koffi Ole-Kamande (from Central not the Congolese singer). I went to Rio without accreditation, I spent in the Kenyan village, and later was banging a Puerto Rico Chiquita in a Brazilian club like Usain Bolt. I tell you this journey was fun, it was my first time to leave Kenya and sing the national anthem as the rest of the world got swayed in our anthem in awe. All these happened when I was asleep, I went to Brazil in my dreams; actually, on the couch. My father's status in this country is very belittled that he can only introduce himself using my names so that he can get recognition, at least on Facebook. Anyway, as rich kids were masquerading our taxes at the expense of our athletes, I was also busy Usain Bolting back in Kayole.

Electricity had decided to go on a compulsory leave; okay, on that note let me explain why we constantly face blackouts in Kayole. We do not have anything genuine in Kayole; electricity, roads, women weaves, Dstv, and even thieves (your brother can keep your things safe for you here). We use "sambaza" electricity meaning they are connected illegally by a self-proclaimed electrician. The same case applies to water, Dstv, and even mobile phone network. When this "electrician or ni Kayole Power guy" has traveled, probably to umoja, (we guys from Kayole view umoja as one of the Nairobi suburbs, we will do anything to be around Umo and Buru), it simply means we will strive in darkness. The Kayole Power guy had decided it was more important to be without electricity despite the fact that our own Eliud Kipchoge and the others were on the track chasing our final gold medal.

Due to my patriotic nature and the love i have for this country (I mean this country's women only), I pushed my lazy self to the "biggest club" in Kayole, Nyama Villa. Guys Nyama Villla is a place where your drink can be "putted rice" even before you purchase it. But since it is the only place that could afford a generator to stream the ongoing race live, "HAISURU" i decided to go and entertain myself. I had carried one thousand Kenyan shillings which is equivalent to my rent if I add 350 bob. Just imagine i was willing to sacrifice half of my rent to watch #TEAMKENYA. As i sat comfortably on my seat, the waiter (hold that thought, why are they called waiters, ama nikutungoja watuekee mchele) came and asked what I was taking. I said Konyagi, she smiled sarcastically informing me that I was not in a Wines and Spirit pub but a club. After realizing that a single brown bottle retailed at 200 each, i also laughed back at her sarcastically saying that I do not take alcohol to just bring Del-Monte juice.

As I was sipping my juice, I realized one of the Kenyan athlete bowed out, Mheshimiwa Wesley Korir who later explained that his water was mixed-up. Am just asking especially the light-skins who put tap water in Dasani bottle faking that they bought it, has water become alcohol that if you mix Dasani, Keringet, and Executive mineral water tit will go bad on you. Sincerely, Mheshimiwa tell us you remembered the amount of allowances you missed in parliament while in Rio and decided to sit down and mourn. Anyway don''t believe my side of story. As korir's water was being mixed with Konyagi, I was also mixing myself with a gorgeous somebody. She was dressed similarly to the other waitresses although she looked pretty younger as compared to the others. My interest on her grew higher than the recently capped bank loan interests. I decided to unleash my outstanding mafisi game and whip her with ma-lines too hard for her to resist. I immediately became Helium Shakes-spear with my rhymes that were as hot as helium that could shake my natural spear down there. My focus immediately switched from the race to the girl.

As I was busy focusing on this little mermaid oops sorry barmaid, everyone else was on their feet screaming Kipchoge. I thought it was Kipchoge the NOCK's chairman kumbe it was Eliud Kipchoge the marathon gold medalist. I also swung like a private jet on a run-way to stand up and onus the great athlete. That is when i got a chance to talk to my ka-little mermaid. She approached me swiftly and asked me to explain to her like a class one girl why everyone was so excited and it was not EPL that we were watching. That is the moment I completely stopped watching the marathon, by the way I left Kipchoge leading with 8 km to go, did he win? Before you answer let me complete my storo, I sat her down on the other Conner and started explaining about Rio. I begun my story from the time the athletes were training in Iten to how Yego missed his ticket, I also told her that Sumgong was related to Samsung. I made reference to London, Mexico and even Ugandan Olympics so that I can buy enough time to catch my prey and finish the Olympics in style like Usain Bolt. As we continued to talk I wondered why she sat with me for so long yet she was working and she never seemed to mind. Was she waiting to spike my Del-monte, that question was to be answered very soon.

I had already started "beating" stories for her  how I am lonely and tried to text the numbers on TV commercials. "Are you lonely and need love,text the world LOVE to 24671 bla bla bla" I know you remember them, right? Oh my goodness, she laughed out loud and I knew this was a sure bet. I was going to hit jackpot soon although I was afraid the electricity had not yet returned and you know beating a new jackpot in darkness may be quite unfortunate. I was now preparing to "draw" with her how she will visit me tonight after her shift is over. Before she could utter anything, a loud voice called out her name. All the other waiters run back to their positions pretending to be busy as they looked at us with sympathy. The environment instantly changed and there was no need of an explanation. It was the manager of the club, he had just passed with his daughter after church service and he was calling her so that they can leave. The dress-code was just a coincidence, and to make the matter worse, she is in form four yet to complete high school. What a shame, I wish I concentrated on watching the Marathon.

My New Neighbor is a lady, Help Me God!!!!

There is nothing disturbing like having a lady as a neighbor and you are a senior bachelor in this cold season. 

Damn!!!! that is exactly what I said when I saw the person who was moving into the recently vacated house that is just adjacent to mine. This lady is profusely blessed with all the apparatus that a man would wish for in a lady. Am sure if she is a policeman I am more than ready to be among the "Pangani Six," This is the lady who made DJ Moh cry and Bobby Mapesa try to convince us that he got saved. 

The first day when she started moving into the house, i voluntarily offered my services even if they were not sought for. I carried a "three seater" sofa-set all by myself just to try and create the first impression to her. I actually shared my supper with her employing one of the #TeamMafisi proverbs "Najua umechoka huezi pika, kam tupike kwangu." As if that was not enough, I was her electrician, technician, plumber, and carpenter. as I am the one who fixed her shower, TV, sink, and even the bed. Am telling you this lady is irresistible...

My main aim was to get a companion when "winter" rocks the Nairobi county and the entire country at large. It didn't last even two weeks before the rains started pounding and all you could hear is Vinniewatz singing "this is the day, this is the day, that the landlord has made..." She came to the house early and as usual knocked at my door. I peeped through the window veil and after realizing she was the one, i pole danced for a minute. I slammed my arm on the other! FEELING THAT MY  prayers have been answered. Upon opening the door with this wide smile cracking my lips, I said hi to her with an accent, biting my lower lip, rolling my pupil, if Pitbul was around he could have shouted Fireball!!!!!

The lady snubbed my stunt and just said, "Hi, eeee please help me with a matchbox, I have a visitor; hence, I need to cook early. I felt like wagging my tail between my legs like a shy dog as i handed the "kiberiti" to her dumbfounded, she could not even notice that smile. She just said, "hope uko poa" and walked to her room. As she cooked, a train of thoughts whirled through my wits and expectations pressured me to the throat. I gathered courage and decided to go to her room and proof my Ufisi skills. I knocked her door confidently and started weird topics. "Hii baridi joh, waa unaifeel aje." She snubbed my queries with a sarcastic laughter as she continued cooking. 

Moments later, the door flew open and a well-built body, tall, well-shaved man entered the room. The lady did not even mind her meal but rushed to him, jumped on him, romanced and became happy about each other for around five minutes without realizing that am in the room. I left them after saying hi and threw myself on my couch in my room. The problem was not yet over, If you have lived in our "third world-estates" you know what is a bedsitter. It is just a nice name referring to a single room in the below poverty line Nairobi estates. The problem with our houses is that you can hear what is happening in the next room clearer than your what you are watching on your TV. My friends hell broke loose during the night, i could hear every aaaaaaawwww, uuuuuuuuu,,,,,,aaaaaaaaa, call my name, harder!!! The rain pounded heavily and according to my phone the weather was at 10 degrees Celsius. I tried to watch a movie, pluck earphones, sleep, wake up and cook coffee but my efforts came to naught. The entire night i felt like i could return those sofa-sets i carried all the way to sixth floor to the ground floor for that man to carry. Jealousy pierced as hard as a needle, imaginations whirled, and hatred mounted. 

My people in the morning she asked me how was my night? Honestly, what should i tell her. Please the pangani six help me in removing her.... for there to be peace My Neighbor Must GO!!

The word BREAK and how it changes its meaning as you grow..

Break was one of my favorite word during my childhood years. It signified good things that I really enjoyed. For example, I was very fond of the terms "breakfast,"  and "break-time" and I adored these two terms. Going to school without breakfast was not a pleasant thing the same as the bell-ringer trying to late break-time with even a micro-second. 

The second time I interacted with the word "break" I was already a teenager. My voice was breaking and by now you could differentiate my voice from a girl's. It did not take long before i moved to the next stage of the word break. Breaking  virginity, okay for boys its no big deal but for our ladies, its quite some serious business. The word break did not give me a break as i found a breakthrough during the weekend challenge in high school. By then I was holier than thou but it was just a matter of days before I broke into a form one's box.  This meant that I had broken the rules and the discipline committee had to break my stealing spirit. Before I could realize anything, I was in my mother's yard after a nightlong beating. I was now pleading for forgiveness and promising to  never break away again. 

Time went and the word "break" was not leaving me. I found love, I was swept head over heels (I know that is for ladies, but believe you me), I sung her name every now and then, we broke the internet as we posted every move we made together, I was truly in love. I broke into her heart like a thief in the night. She would break my boredom with her romantic SMS and I would reply with an erotic emoji which made her know my intentions of breaking her dryspell during the night. However, it did not take long, we broke up. For the simplest reason that I was broke, she wanted a financially stable man. I broke into tears, my heart broke into pieces, my esteem crushed into powder as I watched her break-away from our love. She needed a break.

"break-failure" I once heard the driver scream, it was a moment that would break life into death. The vehicle we were in had a technical problem and fear engulfed us. And now dear skirts and trousers, the word break changes its meaning, depending with the events in life, but one major thing I have come to learn is, NEVER ALLOW YOUR SPIRIT TO BE BROKEN. 

Nkirote, How many Holidays do women have? Happy Mother's Week

NKIROTE YOU GO KILL ME OOOOOH (Kindly say that with a Nigerian accent)...


The year is barely half-way and Nkirote has had too much of outings in the name of "holidays for women" Asiiii naku weeee, Keke murume, Ichieni Yawa, Lahaula utaniua Nkirote

1st January was the New Year Holiday and as a man in love I took the pleasure of taking my Nkirote to Meru National park so that we can make Eco-friendly, love supporting the greenbelt movement, if at all you know what i mean. February 14th is the day of love, of cause dinner and flowers were a must for the "laugh" of my life. As the year progressed, there was an international day for women or women's day. I celebrated Nkirote as the Woman who makes my life glitter and shine on. Luckily enough, her birthday was somewhere in March and thanks to Facebook i remembered it and did something for her. On the flip side, I have celebrated  more weird holidays than the realistic ones since then

Problem began when she started fixing her own holidays, it all started with our anniversary. Don't jump into conclusion yet, it was not an anniversary based on our relationship, but to celebrate the day we moved to our new house, a bed sitter in Umoja from a single Mabati house in Kayole. Frankly speaking, I have no idea the exact month we shifted leave alone the date. Easter was not a family holiday for us, but Nkirote's Passover. She claimed to share a name with Mary Magdalene as she is called Mary Nkirote, as usual it became a holiday for the two of us.The third "ambiguous holiday" was fool's day. As all of you were busy fooling each other, i was cornered in Uhuru Park doing face painting and Boat riding with Nkirote, she insisted that it was an internationally recognized holiday. As if that was not enough,  May 1st, which was just the other day, made to our calendar of events. I know it is officially known as Labor day as it is a day set aside by the government to celebrate Kenyan Civil servants and recognize their efforts in building the country. On the contrary, Nkirote took the literal meaning and as usual, it was a holiday for us. Labor day is supposed to celebrate all women who will undergo through labor pain bearing you a child. What a lame explanation, but my friends never joke with a Baite Murume, stay calm and take the lead. With no other option, I had to take out..

Just some few days after celebrating Labor pain day, Nkirote is reminding me of Mother's day, actually week. She insists that this week she should be taken out at least two days or the entire weekend. More interestingly, she is not yet a mother. Am even surprised, is our relationship based on holidays? I think Nkirote is blowing things out of proportion...

BUT one important thing to note is that it is an International Mother's Week where we reflecting on what our mothers have done unto our lives. To any mother out there, Happy Mother's day.