As I said, I was in Rio for the Olympics; am the guy who is making NOCK to be knocked out, the guy who is giving Wario sleepless nights, am that guy trending on twitter, making Kenyans feel like deporting me like Koffi Ole-Kamande (from Central not the Congolese singer). I went to Rio without accreditation, I spent in the Kenyan village, and later was banging a Puerto Rico Chiquita in a Brazilian club like Usain Bolt. I tell you this journey was fun, it was my first time to leave Kenya and sing the national anthem as the rest of the world got swayed in our anthem in awe. All these happened when I was asleep, I went to Brazil in my dreams; actually, on the couch. My father's status in this country is very belittled that he can only introduce himself using my names so that he can get recognition, at least on Facebook. Anyway, as rich kids were masquerading our taxes at the expense of our athletes, I was also busy Usain Bolting back in Kayole.
Electricity had decided to go on a compulsory leave; okay, on that note let me explain why we constantly face blackouts in Kayole. We do not have anything genuine in Kayole; electricity, roads, women weaves, Dstv, and even thieves (your brother can keep your things safe for you here). We use "sambaza" electricity meaning they are connected illegally by a self-proclaimed electrician. The same case applies to water, Dstv, and even mobile phone network. When this "electrician or ni Kayole Power guy" has traveled, probably to umoja, (we guys from Kayole view umoja as one of the Nairobi suburbs, we will do anything to be around Umo and Buru), it simply means we will strive in darkness. The Kayole Power guy had decided it was more important to be without electricity despite the fact that our own Eliud Kipchoge and the others were on the track chasing our final gold medal.
Due to my patriotic nature and the love i have for this country (I mean this country's women only), I pushed my lazy self to the "biggest club" in Kayole, Nyama Villa. Guys Nyama Villla is a place where your drink can be "putted rice" even before you purchase it. But since it is the only place that could afford a generator to stream the ongoing race live, "HAISURU" i decided to go and entertain myself. I had carried one thousand Kenyan shillings which is equivalent to my rent if I add 350 bob. Just imagine i was willing to sacrifice half of my rent to watch #TEAMKENYA. As i sat comfortably on my seat, the waiter (hold that thought, why are they called waiters, ama nikutungoja watuekee mchele) came and asked what I was taking. I said Konyagi, she smiled sarcastically informing me that I was not in a Wines and Spirit pub but a club. After realizing that a single brown bottle retailed at 200 each, i also laughed back at her sarcastically saying that I do not take alcohol to just bring Del-Monte juice.
As I was sipping my juice, I realized one of the Kenyan athlete bowed out, Mheshimiwa Wesley Korir who later explained that his water was mixed-up. Am just asking especially the light-skins who put tap water in Dasani bottle faking that they bought it, has water become alcohol that if you mix Dasani, Keringet, and Executive mineral water tit will go bad on you. Sincerely, Mheshimiwa tell us you remembered the amount of allowances you missed in parliament while in Rio and decided to sit down and mourn. Anyway don''t believe my side of story. As korir's water was being mixed with Konyagi, I was also mixing myself with a gorgeous somebody. She was dressed similarly to the other waitresses although she looked pretty younger as compared to the others. My interest on her grew higher than the recently capped bank loan interests. I decided to unleash my outstanding mafisi game and whip her with ma-lines too hard for her to resist. I immediately became Helium Shakes-spear with my rhymes that were as hot as helium that could shake my natural spear down there. My focus immediately switched from the race to the girl.
As I was busy focusing on this little mermaid oops sorry barmaid, everyone else was on their feet screaming Kipchoge. I thought it was Kipchoge the NOCK's chairman kumbe it was Eliud Kipchoge the marathon gold medalist. I also swung like a private jet on a run-way to stand up and onus the great athlete. That is when i got a chance to talk to my ka-little mermaid. She approached me swiftly and asked me to explain to her like a class one girl why everyone was so excited and it was not EPL that we were watching. That is the moment I completely stopped watching the marathon, by the way I left Kipchoge leading with 8 km to go, did he win? Before you answer let me complete my storo, I sat her down on the other Conner and started explaining about Rio. I begun my story from the time the athletes were training in Iten to how Yego missed his ticket, I also told her that Sumgong was related to Samsung. I made reference to London, Mexico and even Ugandan Olympics so that I can buy enough time to catch my prey and finish the Olympics in style like Usain Bolt. As we continued to talk I wondered why she sat with me for so long yet she was working and she never seemed to mind. Was she waiting to spike my Del-monte, that question was to be answered very soon.
I had already started "beating" stories for her how I am lonely and tried to text the numbers on TV commercials. "Are you lonely and need love,text the world LOVE to 24671 bla bla bla" I know you remember them, right? Oh my goodness, she laughed out loud and I knew this was a sure bet. I was going to hit jackpot soon although I was afraid the electricity had not yet returned and you know beating a new jackpot in darkness may be quite unfortunate. I was now preparing to "draw" with her how she will visit me tonight after her shift is over. Before she could utter anything, a loud voice called out her name. All the other waiters run back to their positions pretending to be busy as they looked at us with sympathy. The environment instantly changed and there was no need of an explanation. It was the manager of the club, he had just passed with his daughter after church service and he was calling her so that they can leave. The dress-code was just a coincidence, and to make the matter worse, she is in form four yet to complete high school. What a shame, I wish I concentrated on watching the Marathon.
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