EPL IS DOOMED...The Chronicles...

Nappy Girl

It was just another cold Saturday afternoon, the traffic jam at Nairobi was easing up as the cars gushed in an admirable manner in well construed lanes. Touts' shouts echoed in my ear drums as the ear lobes froze due to the calm breeze that was flooding the atmosphere, making it very chilly. I wore a black trench coat and tucked my hands inside the pockets. "Boys are like wild animals, they travel in herds" that is my own composed proverb as it applied that day. We were around ten young energetic lads who were shouting on top of their voices in what seemed to be an argument about an iniquitous issue.

I was unusually quiet, everybody kept asking me whether i was okay because they were used to my extroverted nature. Something was really becoming a pain in the a..as..ah...arsenal. On normal occasions, i am usually indulged in such heated debate on which team will bag the English Premier league. However, on this day, i was cool, calm, and collected, i played a audience to nine-noisy college boys (you don't know how stressful it is).

Frank had made my evening to be such a living hell. He had sort the company of one of his best friends who had made my teeth to grind and hands shake in despair. He had brought a nappy girl. In such incidences, when a guy brings a lady friend who he has no attachment to, it means she is up for grabs. I only looked at her from the corner of my eye, her nappy-curled hair that swung like a horse pony tail just reflected on the pupil of my eye. She was shinning bright on the silver lining of the setting sun on the horizon. Her lipstick was jaw-dropping for what i would call, wet-lips. From her composure and unresponsive nature to my friend's inquiries, it was right to infer that she was bored; actually, very bored. They were only discussing matters football leaving her out in almost everything.

I managed to look at her once again; coincidentally, our eyes met, her dimples automatically formed an admirable cave on her chubby cheeks while her eyebrows curved upwards and wrinkles formed on her forehead. She looked lovely, she was beautiful-the least i could say. Her sense of fashion was well thought based on the cold evening weather. She looked confident and mature enough, but her persistent gaze at me sent my meta-cognition into task. Was she disgusted with my quiet nature, had i shown a grotesque appearance or was she thinking i was among the pick pockets in town? Never mind, i consoled myself, but she was so meticulous about my every move.
The first reaction a man gets after being strolled by a lady who looks of a class beyond him is fear(i bet you have all watched Gods Must be Crazy, the guy in green land-rover).

As i was thinking of my first move, she stroke first; you are so quite, are you worried that your team will loose? I went numb for some seconds as i tried to figure out for the most suitable answer to this beautiful and well-behaved lady. "Raise your arms for security check", the bouncer blurted out in a horrific voice. We had already reached our destination, the club. I had not answered the question and my mind was really troubled. I only imagined the smell of her perfume that had brought a nonchalant fragrance in the surrounding environment making all the individuals present to turn their heads in admiration. Everybody in our company wanted to seat with her, but she choose to sit with the frail me.

"You look so scared and you have not answered my question", she said as we took our seats. "Does she know who i am", i thought to my self. It was time to bring my A-game and rise to the occasion. As i was composing my best pick-up lines (you look familiar), I received a text from Frank telling me that the lady-friend had fallen for me. What???????!!!! she had already told Frank? We started with the normal introductions and i maintained my somber mood as a judge. I was so composed that you would surmise i am a lawyer or in other respected career. The entire club started making noise instantly, the game had already started. I immediately turned my head to the screen as the lady kept talking to me.

Balancing my attention to the girl and the game was proving to be tasking. I went to an extent of saying yes to questions that required a no answer. I completely changed my seating posture and staid glued to the screen screaming like a hungry brat. The lady on the other side became bored and kept on tapping me to seek my attention-ladies love attention, huh? I could not allow my self to loose this intense moments as the bullet-less Arsenal guns were firing high at the cradle of football in England, the Stamford bridge.

The lady visited the lavatories a million times, she tapped her phone till it run out of charge, she yawned, stretched, switched seats, but i did nothing. I could not manage to look at her and miss the tik taka game played by Arsenal yet it was yielding no goals. The worse happened when the lady wanted to leave as the game continued, she asked for my number so that we can communicate later. I was so attached to the game that i thought she was referring to the number of goals scored. I confidently answered zero-zero. The lady slammed the table, lashed her tongue, snapped her fingers and clicked loudly as she swerve her nappy hair showing disgust in all her face. She left in a hasty manner and later sent Frank a text message, that guy is a jackass, he will get married to football. That is how i lost my melodious chance of dating a beautiful lady. The worst bit is that Arsenal hammered Chelsea 5-3. It was just another sad day.

********
Anyway, the football season is coming to a close and i know women are now relieved. They will be spending the entire weekend cuddled to their husbands as they will be not be having places to visit. Moreso, there is no nagging discussion with their friends about how they will take the league. No more betting 20,000 on Sport-Pesa and leaving 2,000 at home. All in all, Chelsea are the champions!!!!

A LOVE LETTER, The Chronicles of a Fresha...

Back at it again, my experiences as a freshman...

I managed to dig out my dungeon of a carton box that acts as my archive as i was looking for the so called important documents that i might have misplaced. The struggle was real but i finally managed to collect at least two receipts of expensive dinners that i attended and i am posting them on Instagram very soon. By the way, when people take ovacado and githeri, why don't they post them on social media?
Anyway, this is what i found out. My love letter in high-school, read it and i hope it will trigger some sweet memories that this age of watsapp will not enjoy.



PS:RE: TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN.

                                                                                                                       Vinniewatz,
To my love,
P.O Box 12435825382,
Gakoromone day and mixed, CGH,
BOG free education, CDF secondary school,
Tharaka-Nithi


I would like first to thank the almighty for giving me this opportunity to express my undying love to you on this webuye product. My heart is pounding hard like a posho mill as i scribble with this drill that oozes blue blood. My love, since the last time we met at your homestead's fence, i feel like it has been years. I cannot eat, sleep, walk, write, or even do my assignments as my brains are fully engaged into thinking about you. When i remember that you said you will hug and kiss me when we go to the university, my heart swings like a pendulum. My smile bends like a golgi body and your are omnipresent in me like the red blood cells. If you divide me into pieces, my dear you will be the only atom left in my chemical formula. I always memorize your name like a bible verse, read your history like the World War I. To me, you are an onomatopoeia, the hardest and yet the simplest riddle for me.

My dear, let me something that has really been disturbing me. I really don't like the way njoroge looks at you when we are at home. I saw you laughing with him as you went to cut nappier grass, he even touched your shoulders whereas i have only managed to touch only your glasses. Are you in love with njoro because he has money? Let me tell you, he steals that money from selling their milk. He is a bad boy. My dear dont do that to me because i feel like crying right now. iiiiiii aiiiiiiaiii i can even draw the tears for you to believe. This disturbing me and even affecting my studies, i have dropped from a D to a D plus. My dear, let me not fail because of you.

My dear, if you could count the number of raindrops, then you could count my love for you. If you are a car, i would be your engine to keep you running. And if you would ask me, njooro is not the best person comparing to me. I loveeeeeee youuuuu!!!!!mwaaaaaa....

Looking forward to seeing you in the coming science congress. keep the fire burning.

Dedication
Solidad__westlife
Dilemma_____Nelly & Kelly
My endless love___Celina deon

(then shout outs for the guys who could not get the courage to compose their own letters).
shout outz
#shout out to Diana from Mark...keep the fire burning
#Kirimi saying hae to nkirote, you are the only miraa plant in my plantation
#Denno shouting out to the entire school, i am handsome, someone love me please
#Kobia shouting out to kavindu.....ata uko ukambani nitafika mpenzi

Have you ever said something to someone then you regretted later?

After a long writing break, i just feel inspirational and i would like to offer a word or two to my loyal(s) reader out there,,,

I was in a matatu talking to myself as usual (i like consulting my inner self in various instances so that i can evaluate how i am handling my life). As my medulla reflected on a number of wishes that i would like to accomplish very soon, i remembered something that i said to someone over the weekend that i really consider stupid. I call it stupid because every time i recall i find it was not the most suitable statement i made. It keeps ringing on my mind and i just wish i could see the person and say it was a joke.
Consider the following situations:
1. A man shouts at a person in the lavatories, "Hey, those are ladies washrooms!". The purported victim turns and the man notices that she is a lady, he will definitely feel embarrassed.
2. Sending your classmate, who is a staunch christian, a text message that was intended to be for your intimate girlfriend accidentally.

There are several examples we can give on situations that has lead as into a gaffe. One thing that is very significant, we opt to shy away to people we said stupid things to; hence, our rapport is portrayed in shackles. We feel shy facing them especially when we realize that they are superior to us and we made silly and timid jokes to them.

Hey, people that should not worry you a lot, our relationship should continue and the feeling of guilt must be gushed away to allow us to be more comfy with each other.

Shame and embarrassment are among the hardest emotions that human beings would wish to be bombarded with. They take extra caution to avoid shame; however, when it is already done, there is no a reversal.
This is what you should do in such a situation....

1. Laugh at yourself for being such a jack***
2. understand that it was not prudent to do so and promise yourself to be more cautious in your conversations.
3. Do something you love to relinquish the guilty feeling from your skull...may be compose a song about it, write a nice poem addressing the issue, or for you the emotional brats, update your watsapp status,,,,#feelingguiltyforalashingtounge or something else that will make you break free.
4. Do not avoid the people you offended, get more close for them to understand that it was either a slip of your tongue or your nature.

Be blessed

IT HAS BEEN TWO DAYS

it has been two days
       -since;
 i heard the foul smell,
 i had to dwell,
 in the noise that swell,
 now, my ears drums are well,
away from hell,
that i will live to tell.

it has been two days
      -since;
i had to be online,
or being on a line,
trying to make it up for a fine,
that i pay from one to nine,
taking the best of wine,
trying the best to shine.

it has been two days
     -since;
i woke up to the morning dew,
as i watch the very best view,
as snow breaks into a few,
cubes that can make a cue,
for my eyes to have a cud to chew

it has been two days
        -since;
i have been in a new town,
that is not made of clowns,
whose environment cannot let me down,
or leave my face frown,
as the city under the sun, the hamlet,
whose pollution is, a scarlet,
but;
i can only drown,
as i speculate in this noun,
that i have found,
as, mt.Kenya acts as the gown,
that shields us in this town

it has been two days
    -since;
i left Nairobi,
a town i find no hobby,
but i had a lot to worry,
for everything looks sorry,
     around Mt. Kenya, i wake up to the morning dew,
     the view of the snow as it breaks to small slews,
     which many of you never knew,
     that Nanyuki has such a wonderful view

Nanyuki the town around the hill.

THE TALES OF "KIANG'OMBE" HILL...PART TWO

KIANG'OMBE...

The term kiang'ombe can loosely be defined as the harbor of cows, it has a zillion mysteries...

...previously on the tales of kiang'ombe (read with a movie soundtrack). My Grandmother had led a revolt against the colonialist popularly known as the "mubeberu." They were in the deepest part of the forest of Kiang'ombe hills where one of the soldiers had submerged in an invisible spring of water. The soldiers decided to retreat...

If you thought a white man surrenders, then you need to watch a lot of blockbuster movies where the starring are unwilling to give out information even after being chopped off their fingers. The lieutenant had called off the raid not as a sign of amicable end to the pursuit, but to regroup and change the format just like the chosen one, Jose Mourinho. On the other hand, the villains were already celebrating the victory and submerging out of their hideouts. My grandma was receiving numerous spits on the chest (its an act of acknowledgement a heroic act, it can be equated to the Burning Spear Award from the president) for leading a successive mission.

Their husbands heard the noise from their hideouts and also came to see what was happening as they could recognize the voices. It was an astonishing act to meet women in the forest at the wee hours of the night. Actually, blue, silver coated rays of the sky were unearthing symbolizing that it was about  day-break. From a top point, the lieutenant could view the entire action with his binoculars. He could see how jubilant the village was after emerging triumphant.

Within a fraction of a second, there was an abrupt flee of birds as they made squirmy noises that scared the villagers. There was an abrupt wagging of twigs and a hefty breeze that swarm all over their clothes. It was not a usual wind, but a strong, scary wind. My grandfather noted that the hill was signalling them of an impending danger that would be consequential to them. Concurrently, the white man was tip toeing towards the crowd so that they can find them unaware and capture them. They did not want to give any chance that would let the villagers to escape.

Since the villagers had smelled a rat, they had to hatch a plan that would get them out of the foreseen trouble. They believed that Kiang'ombe was the only place that could protect them from any looming danger. Women were instructed to light fire in three different points and everyone was to leave the paths that led to their hideouts. If you have watched movies keenly, forests are bombarded with a thicket that leaves only small pathways without alternatives. Some men climbed on top of trees, while the others escorted women into the caves.

The lieutenant and his troop were approaching with a well planned strategy that would lead to a capture of these rebellious group of illiterate Africans. As a trained army person, he clearly new all the tricks of handling such situations. He perceived himself to be the toughest in the region and he was popularly known across the ridges. No sooner did they approach the "crime scene" than the fire that the women lit had become huge attracting attention from the wild animals. Warthogs, wild-pigs, squirrels, antelopes, and even rhinos occupied all the pathways in the forest running either towards or away from the fire place. As you know, rhinos hate fire so they were running to extinguish it while the warthogs were running against it. One peculiar thing with a warthog is that it follows a straight path without minding the obstacles. The poor lieutenant and his troop were the only obstacle to these animals. It was a humerus and hilarious situation that made my grandma laugh out loudly as she narrated the innuendos that followed.

That is when i asked my grandma what happened next as it seemed the white man was in real trouble. Her answer was, that is a story for another day but just know the hill saved us once more..

THE REINCARNATED TATA

Reincarnated TaTa

Gloomy dust washes my face as a huge beam of silvery coated rays of light inject my eyes as an indication of another day-end. The play and pause of thoughts leave me with screeching sounds and vague visibility as i try to remember the day's events.

TaTa, media is awash with graphic images, disturbing hue and cries as people have become roundabouts, and they are turning against other. The grief and cry of thousands is itching on my eardrums. You taught us that trees in the same forest never scratch and wag their twigs against each other, conversely, they should thatch their leaves and form a canopy. But what i see, it is just a bother, from a sister to a brother, not sparing even their father or mother, just acting like pink panther. I am reporting to you the ignorance that is sweeping our generation. The failure to follow your steps. The agony that abhors when I see people misuse the freedom you fought for twenty seven years. Wait a minute, twenty seven years a slave! my heart pounds, the reincarnated TaTa, are you listening to me. It must have been hard for you, but you persevered for our sake.

Xenophobia is close to apartheid that made you toil in hard rocks. By the way, TaTa are you listening to me? Cast your shadow upon my frail face, for this race, just need your grace. The aptitude of being each brother's keeper, has changed to be your brother's skipper. TaTa, I want you to declare your presence, for i need to get the essence of why my generation lacks sense. Please TaTa, wave with your tail finger so that i can know you are listening.

I can feel your touch, TaTa, I know this is you talking to me. Wow, you are responding in a mighty way. Your spirits are connecting to me like twitter feeds. You are here to save us, give us an answer please because we need to stop this madness.

Brothers and Sisters, Nelson TaTa Mandela's time has passed, but we can be just like him. From now henceforth, my desire, burn like fire, for i want to sire, my objective like the messiah. And that is why, I will be the REINCARNATED TATA. I have the will and the power to be just like him and promote peace in the entire world. From my humble position, i can make a notable change for I AM THE REINCARNATED TATA. Will you?

My Online Love

my oh my!
tides are waving
new trends are paving
for compassion, am craving
old times are wagging
all am left with, is tagging

Round and round i swerve
up and down my heart pounds
left and right, the pupil tilt
What am i looking for
what am i desiring?
What will fulfill my desperation

I feel a buzz
Every-time am with you
Not physically,
Not boldly, neither face to face
I wink when you tweet
I smile, a lone as i re-tweet
I feel shy, on my seat
I feel covered, with Undesired heat


Your presence is heartfelt
In spite of the distance
I click, Nkt when you are naughty
when you fail to text,
each and every instance,
my mind runs dirty
Is she cheating on me,
Is she in abhor with me,
Is she still in love with me,

My online love,
We fly above,
Yet we have not met,
My heart always melts,
You are like a pet,
That has not been kept,
I wish we have met...

My online love

THE TALES OF "KIANG'OMBE"

My grandma is either less resourceful or age has caught up with her. The main reason as to this  is that when i was young, she played the role that is being played by the TV in our current days. We tuned to her stories each and every evening after clearing our plates.

"Kiang'ombe is a hill full of mystery", she blurted out. I have lived here for more than 200 years (that is exactly what she said, i am not very sure whether she has an idea of what is 200 years), but this hill still amazes me. Your dad was exactly your age when "mubeberu" (colonialist) had declared "Emangenesi' (the state of emergency). Don't mind how she pronounced some of the English terms, but they still linger in my mind as fresh as swift air. The breezing cold was drilling their chests as hard and deep to their bone-marrows. Trees made a subtle swing from one side to the other, pumping and accelerating the moving air from Kiang'ombe down to the people's frail bodies which were skimpily covered. The whistle had been blown and some could mistake it with the cockcrow as it was very early in the morning. My grandma held on to her "acting lastborn" (because she bore many others after him) shivering loudly like a spoilt machine.

  "If you do not know where your husband is, we are leaving with you for "more questioning". As from now step besides your hut we are conducting a headcount", the governor announced as the chiefs and village heads translated in vernacular to the poor peasants who were just coughing helplessly. He held onto a "huge gourd that produced hefty noise that could be heard from one ridge to the other." That is how my grandma explained that object people use to announce with during demonstrations, i honestly also do not know its name.

My grandma knew very well that whatever was called "more questioning" was just like applying for your own death certificate. Therefore, she would rather die fleeing than die hopelessly like a flee in front of the colorless man "mubeberu." The entire settlement was surrounded and it was hard to escape, she clearly knew that her husband was among the ring leaders being targeted and he was not at home. She quickly decided to become the Recce Squad and put her life in eminent danger. She took to her heels facing the thicket that was behind her hut. Unfortunately, one of the soldiers identified her and informed the rest. The commander told them to leave the one lost sheep and concentrate with the rest 99 which had been found. However, the entire village saw a looming opportunity and scampered into different directions disorienting the continuing headcount. The soldiers had no option other than running after the villagers. The hot pursuit led them to the famous, the outrageous, historical Kiang'ombe hill. My grandma was the Kipchoge Keino of the day, leading the race with several meters. "Hahahahha", i interrupted her with a laugh, "grandma these old legs can run", i joked. "You idiot, you think i have been old forever", she replied with a snare.

Kiang'ombe saves the day

As they continued running with soldiers on hot pursuit, my grandma made a sudden halt. The entire village stopped but their inertia of motion made their stopping horrible. They clung into each other like a herd of sheep when the leader stops. She had remembered that they had entered deep into the forest of Kiang'ombe. There are numerous tales about Kiangombe but this one was amazing.

The place she was standing had a huge coverage of dry leaves which scattered all over denying them the visibility of the ground. She advised them to swerve and take an alternative route to the other side. Some were reluctant but decided to follow her, anyway. This gave the soldiers a chance to catch up with them and they decided to follow the route that my grand ma had despised. This was shorter and they could get a chance of surrounding the entire village with ease.  

Believe it or not, their shortcut, it was a place that had a deep well that was covered by the numerous dry leaves. The well was filled with water but the leaves could not allow any person to notice. The first soldier who attempted to step on the coverage his whereabouts are not known till today. This is not the biblical story of Moses and the Red sea but my grandmother and the Kiangombe hill. The soldiers had to retreat with fear of more mysteries. For more, keep up with vinniewatz.blogspot.com

IT WAS MY FIRST TIME...

Indeed it was my first time, as usual i was scared stiff of the test awaiting me. She was punctual, actually she arrived thirty minutes earlier. I could not believe that i had finally made this decision. It had troubled me for years, i fought with my conscious for a while. All my friends had done it and it was kind of feeling embarrassed that i was the only one left. I could not brag of being a man as i was the only one, left out.

She looked directly to my eyes, i sighed with relief,i held a deep breath and gathered enough courage to look back at her. My eyes could not hide the fear in me, i could not believe that she was this courageous. Her glimpse, her gait composure, and the suave and calm appearance in her made me to bite my lower lip. We had not talked to each other as she could notice my entire body looked terror stricken. At last she opened her mouth, i did not notice she was talking to me as i had concentrated on her lipstick that looked mouth-watering. "Are you ready we start", she finally blurted out. With a whisper i finally said, "yes i am." What startled me to bones was the condition she gave me, "make sure that your phone is off."

I did not argue as it was my first time. She also told me to make sure i have undivided attention in whatever we were doing. I had not talked to her this time as i opened my eyes widely to see and learn everything. She also told me to spread my legs and it was finally the time to remove it. I stretched my hands slowly and swiftly downwards, I entered into my trouser and removed it waiting to insert. At this time i gathered courage to ask what i should do. She comfortably told me hold on tight to the steering wheel. I removed the car key from my trouser's pocket and i was ready to insert it in the ignition hole. She had told me to spread my legs so that i can learn on how to pedal. It was indeed my first time learning how to drive and i was really scared. But the lady was very eager to teach me..

For any rotten mind out there, have a blessed Sunday.