SOMEONE TELL SAFARICOM TO BAN FREE SMS...The Chronicles of a Fresha

Free Sms are tarnishing our intelligence making us look like clowns or mascots who have nothing to do, but to stare at their phones as if they are worshiping them. I find it funny how i seat with an extremely beautiful lady who can qualify to become Miss Uganda for nine consecutive years and i have nothing to say to her, even a simple hi. Reasons being, she is busy, not that she is washing utensils, completing assignments, arranging her work schedule or anything substantial, but staring at her phone like a nincompoop. When i talk of Sms i also include Watsapp, Viber, and the others. Please Note: they are not bad, the users are...

Today there no stories but real life observations that i have made (the free Sms were not introduced when i was a fresha one Sms costed 3 bob, so you can imagine). Technology has made us strangers because we are using it wrong, actually very wrong. Take this incidence for example, my cousin comes to visit all the way from upcountry, after ushering him in the house, i pick my laptop and my phone then go numb, it is a bad behavior.

When i said no stories, I lied! My friend has left our ribs aching by an incidence that made him jilt his relationship and hate all girls, huh. "Guys, guys look look at her see for yourself, she Watsapped me her image", he jabbed at us interrupting our tranquil moment on the torn second-hand sofas in our congested unfinished 1 bedroom in Roysambu with a parked blue Subaru outside (that is how Njoki Chege defines poor guys, for me i wish i would achieve this and my village would name as Njuri Ncheke member). If you don't follow Nairobi rumors, probably that joke isn't yours.

We tilted our faces concurrently as if we were evading a foul smell of fart from a skunk, to see the "magnificent girl." It is hard for me to appreciate girls, but for this one, she was blessed. We continued working on our laptops and exchanging mature talks of how one day we will buy a plot at Ruai (even wet dreams are valid). All that long our friend was tilted like a bow or the fishing rod just scrolling and replying to messages on his phone. it continued for hours, days, weeks,,, until he entered the, the most populated country after China and India, friend-zone. This is how...

Sms and Watsapp lie, a girl will promise you anything, create a scenario that will make you feel like you are the only man in a world of beautiful women and dogs. Ladies will pretend to be in your "box" by pampering you with sweat, romantic and sexy words, i hear they call it "sexting." For my friend, he was even given the cookie jar via text, they kissed, they cuddled, they undressed, they bedded, they visited each other's parents; however, through the texts. The relationship was growing strong that he could mistake my name with that girls name you know Vinnie and Winnie are related. His phone never left his hand even when he went to the bathroom, but he always told us when that girl will visit our lips will soak with saliva. We will be so jelous that we wish we concetrated on smsand watsapp than our work (what a fool).

"hayawi hayawi huwa" it was time for the love birds to meet physically, eye to eye, lip to lip, nail to nail, time to panda mbegu until potassium permanganate turns red, if you know what i mean. Feeling of ecstasy, mind preparations, spreading the bed and cleaning the house, preparing mayai for the requisite energy and going to the chemist to purchase the protective gear for this business, awaiting the guest of honor to arrive at around midday.

First mistake, she arrived at three, second mistake she was full and could not take what the guy had prepared. Ladies what do you take us for, for a man to cook it takes inspiration from the ancestors and then you shamelessly refuse to eat, God help you. She was introduced to the lonely ninjas as we were just sitting there salivating at her endorsed derriere. As ussual, we started leaving so that we can give them privacy, but she said "acheni kuenda natoka sa hii and if at all ningekaa hakuna kitu ingehapen so rudini." Let me stop at that...


free sms are promising you the moon up in the sky whereas they cant afford Bluemoon which is only at the counter. My fellow freshas, this is real, run boy run when there is time.  








 

I AM APPEARING IN A SONG VIDEO....The Chronicles of a fresha continues

You have ever wished in your life to appear on TV even if its just a snippet view once. Everybody loves fame, attention, and a little pride, we are human beings. I have occasionally seen people who make me watch a song/advert or just a video recording repeatedly so that i can see them. The situation is always like..."peleka mbele kidogo,,aa umepita, rewind kiasi, tena kidogo,,apo apo apo pause..unaona huyo mtu ako na T-shirt ya blue uko nyuma...sasa nyuma yake ni mimi." its stressing even to identify them but they have to insist that you re-watch until you see them. I won't blame you coz i am a victim. However, i saw my friend on Jicho Pevu #TheKanyariSaga but she has refused to admit that she is the one up to now.

"Vinnie, get ready because i am shooting a video for my song and i want you to appear on it, wee ni mtu wangu siezi kusahau," my fresha friend said bragging-ly. These were the best news, it was like receiving blessing from Pastor Kanyari without the Mbegu ya 310 or an M-Pesa of 5,000 from an unknown number. After the anxiety replenished, i went back to my friend and asked. "ati umesema tunashoot vida" he replied positively but i was not through with him. "sasa nikumaanisha nitakua kwa video yako, az in ukishoot video nitakua, hio ni kumaanisha nitatokea kwa TV," one question in a million styles. He got bored by the rhetoric questions just like you and you are only reading.

The next step involved preparation for the big party, bragging to my friends on how i will appear on TV soon. If twitter was alive, hashtag #vinnieakokwavideo could be trending, but it only made it on my Facebook updates. Everyone became envious, you know freshaz think a celebrity is a person from another planet. That is why we could meet a Tahidi High actor on the street and stand for a whole hour discussing him or her, loudly. They are human beings just like us, acting is their employment just like mjengo is to me.  We could admire them and even update our Facebook status, "hanging out with Eric Omondi" and you did not even manage to say hi. This behavior sucks, let celebs live their lives just like normal people.

The cast members were ready, i had chosen the right outfit for my celebrity inaugural day. TV here i come, this video will be the talk of the town, i would soon be on everybody's lips. Oh God, you would think i was the composer or the artist of the song. Plans went on well and by ten in the morning we were on location. Cameras were set, the production team was ready, and the anxiety even grew bigger.

However, i smelled a rat, something was not very right, maybe left. The hotel was so cozy and resembled a bossy lifestyle. I thought drinks and food were catered for i even came from the hostel empty stomach. My friend never try that, i staid hungry for 7 hours. Secondly, the producer had come with another crew that seemed stylish and camera friendly than we looked. I hear they are called video vixens. That did not worry me much, after all the artist "ni mtu wangu."

We did what had brought us, and lights were on, cameras rolling, music flowing and change of clothes every now and then, i had only carried a pair, so i could not change. One thing that bored mi is the repetition of scenes, Cut, cut, action, no take another shot, Gosh they were boring why cant they just take one song in 30 minutes and leave. After all, a song lasts only 3 minutes. All in all the day was over.


The following day i was already asking my fresha-artist whether the video was out. Gosh its only a day, he replied angrily. This was a daily routine for at least two months, my hopes died. But when they were about to be buried, the producer called him with good news, my hopes resurrected before their burial. We rushed to town to pick the song, no more classes today, but showing people the video. Unfortunately, we reviewed the song around 15 times without a sneak view of Vinnie in the video. I was edited, the video vixens took almost the entire show, but i could see the color of my shirt in a scene that shown a large crew of people from far. I could not believe i wasted my class time rehearsing on how to appear on a video in vain. I cant stop crying, but my dreams are still valid. If you continue reading my stories on my blog vinniewatz.blogspot.com, i will appear on the Trend

TULIANZA NA KASELFIE

I just cannot believe i am up this  late updating my blog that receives very many visitors or traffic which is approximately zero people in total. God give me a sign like DMX. I was also listening to Cha Tolle AFterhours show on Capital, will it ever come to a day that she will listen to me or read my blog. This world is unfair for real....arggg what a dream, i must be dreaming ati Chao reading my blog, what a joke?... sorry my readers i was dozing off, but lets get down to business...

Here is the second part of exam cheating case...i was in deep, hot, and smearing shit, yeah i know its slippery...

A bag on my hand, my answer sheet is missing and the teacher is coming towards my position at a supersonic speed. My heart has beaten many times in desperation moments, but in this case, it was ringing or sounding like an alarm. This teacher had given harsh warning prior to the start of the exam to anybody tempted to use unscrupulous methods of passing exams that severe consequences would follow. He had cautioned us against copying exam and the punishment amounted to cancellation of your exams and ex-communication from the institution. Poor vinnie who was the only college boy in the village, who collected funds for school from the village church, the chief, Chama Cha Wamama in the village, and tax collected by the chief from illegal liquor. Being sent away from school would mean being a disgrace to the entire village that boasted of taking a person to college, you would think they had taken me to the moon. At this moment, the teacher was approaching and his intention were clearly not good. He was a tough teacher to an extent that he did not require an assistance in monitoring the exam.

On the other hand, the lady i was trying to help was in full panic and she was sweating from her thumbs to her tits. Yes i could see her nipples based on the top she was wearing and when men look at ladies those are the first places that receive men's eye-contact. This lady was crazy,,, not even crazy, but mad, absolutely out of her mind. Imagine she was handing the answer sheet back in the full glare of the lecturer. Have you ever heard the reggae song that says, from a frying pan into burning fire, okay, that summarizes my situation. I was like meat in the mincer with hungry men and women glaring at it. The entire class went numb. I know they were sympathizing with me other than one guy i had his debt of 500 Kshs (i have never paid to date). I know he was praying the teacher to catch me, he had crossed his fingers based on the look on his grin.. did his prayers work..?imagine yes

"Just come with your bag with a good explanation why you are exchanging papers with this lady, and in possession of other materials in the exam room, immediately," the teacher said angrily. Now I am the sacrificial lamb, being crucified for my kind heart of helping. The beatitudes in the Bible says the kind in heart will...will..aaa forget it, whatever. I cannot imagine my education was ending just because i took a risk for a lazy person who never revised for exams and attended classes.  

MMMHHH being a drama student really helps because your intelligence is way above than that of Michael Gishangi. "Teacher, the bag fell from where it was hang, hit me, and i was returning it back. in the process, my answer sheet slid and now this lady was returning it back, teacher this is bag belongs to a lady, what the hell could be doing with it," i convinced him. Contented with my argument, the teacher turned back and continued supervising the exam..niliponea chupi chupi...did my friend's prayer work...imagine yes they did not (that is what i meant)

TULIANZA NA KA-SELFIE,, Fresha

By the way when i was a fresha, selfies were not invented; actually, very few phones had strong cameras. The one hit wonder phone idiot oops IDEOS had been introduced to the market and you could only afford it after receiving HELB, but ours had delayed (you see why demonstration over the loan wont end). Believe you me, men we are the same idiots that were tricked by Eve in the garden of Eden (if at all you ever came across Christianity in your upbringing). I also hear that they used a woman to capture our hero Dedan Kimathi among other examples you already know. I am also a victim...

During my fresha years, life was not a silver lining or a bed of roses, but a bed of acacia and baobab trees (that can make you imagine the size of the challenges i faced). Without further ogre tales and the hare and hyena stories, dear readers this what happened. 

It was during our first exam in our premiere semester in the higher learning institution. I had prepared adequately, although business students we didn't read much due to the qualitative learning technique. By the way all those guys who said BA (business administration) meant Being Around because you were undertaking engineering courses; shame on you. We are all tarmacking being bracketed in the 40% group of  unemployed people in Kenya. 

The exam atmosphere was filled in the room as students scrambled for strategic seating places so that they can utilize their exam skills, if you know what i mean. I sat near a lady who was completely blank and she was not contemplating what was going on. She looked at me with these dried eyes that were imploring for my help. However, the teacher's eyes were sternly looking at us and i knew i could not help. Within some instance, the teacher rushed out to receive a call. It was an opportune moment to help my neighbor based on the begging eyes; it was exactly one hour since the exam started and she had not jolted anything apart from her name. When i decided to help her, she made such a request that haunts me to date.

"Pass me my bag please i have to remove my notes," she said. This was a crazy idea so i hesitated, but she convinced me; strength of a woman you know. I woke up and stretched to the windows where we hanged our bags as we did our exams. I heard some papers screeching from my background, when i looked backed. The lady had snatched my answer booklet to copy and paste my knowledge. That was robbery without violence of my hard acquired knowledge (just kidding, degree ni harambee lazima watu wasaidiane). The room was silent and i could see my classmate looking at me in a manner that suggested there was looming danger. From the corner of my eye, i could see the teacher jetting back to class and i realized i was in deep shit. I am standing, holding a bag, and my answer sheet is missing. Three clear evidence that amount to cheating, that is a felony in college, it is worse than the Oscar Pistorius case. I knew i was dead,,but i had to act, and act fast...

to be continued...nimesikia usingizi its past midnight...mayne i gotta sleep. 

FRESH"A" in campus

as i walked in
my mind was so fresh
i met the dean
with an appealing breath
i was admitted in
my body was in a good health
my mind passionate
ready to eradicate
poverty in my village
its the first year
fresh in campus


my mind and books
are new parallel lines
reading is off the hook
oh! that lady is fine
in town, there is booze
and new blended wine
my body is growing thin
my mind is becoming stressed
i avoid the dean
with a foul breath
and bad health
its the last year
not fresh in campus

"Chronicles of a fresha" SHE WANTS TO REVENGE GUYS.....

It has been long since i penned down the most intriguing column "Chronicles of Fresha" and here i am again....
bringing you part...part mmh, by the ways what part did we finish with 3, 4, or...part..argh!!! i cant remember. Never mind, just sit down and grab popcorns as you watch this thriller/action/drama movie in the theater of dreams (that is your mind).

Previously on chronicles of a fresha (with that sound of the prison break),,,
 "Babe, what will you take?" she whispered.

"Nothing, i mean i am Ok, i meant wait...mmm i will decide, ok, le..t ,leemmi..arggg.. let me look for an M-pesa outlet to withdraw money i will come." I answered in a confused tone.
That was the last conversation between Mr. poor Vinnie and the little queen who wanted to milk my last coin in the pocket money account. i rushed helter skelter as my wobble legs could carry me to the hostel room (if you wrote good composition in primary school then you know what that means), disconnected my phone, changed my Facebook account and disoriented any possible communication with her.

HOWEVER i had forgotten one fundamental mistake that i made....
I had used my roommates phone to call her another day when my phone run out of credit. Oh Jesus, i had confused myself like the Hague ICC witnesses. She had befriended my roommate without my consent and they were chatting regularly.

My roommate was given a promise that he would be given a taste of the "cookie jar" if at all he allowed her to pay him a visit at the hostel. This was like music to his ears, banging on someone at the comfort your room is the best news you can receive other than the removal of MCAs from the Kenyan government. You remember that i gave you a snippet view of my roommate's appetite on ladies. Any slight knock on the door meant that i would look for a place to hibernate in higher speed than the FAIBA because " tafadhali mteja aliyopiga mlango haji kwangu."


They planned, a well developed framework of visiting the hostel to crush that juice out of the juke box. To walk on Melphis;;;; to have a taste of lemon on the ice tea, to look for a needle in the hay stack. Gosh poor vinnie i wish you knew the story ahead.

"Before i come, is your roommate around" the girl asked, "yea but atajipanga" the boy replied. Ok make sure ata kuwa coz i want to see him." The guy agreed promptly, who cares for the new millennium when promised a whole century.(I learnt about this conversation later after the Afrosinema had already happened)

SHE WANTS TO REVENGE GUYS...

yes that what she wants and i am in the dark. She wants to humiliate, embarrass, and spit on my reputable image that can be printed on his excellency's UK's portrait.

It was around 4.00pm on a Saturday evening . I had already changed, and basked on the peripheral of the basket ball pitch sipping hot coffee cunningly. The pitch faced the gate and you could see any entrant and exit from the hostel. As you usual, i was observing guys bring in girlfriends and others walking theirs out; for me, God knows when i will enjoy such a privilege "cjafanikiwa bado."

Suddenly, my moods changed, i was exasperated with the mirage i had seen. "All in all this cannot be, i confronted myself, but no this is real, she looks familiar, we have met, yea that face, actually i know her." That what went through my mind as she approached, but what was she doing here with my roommate. This was sabotage, highest class of image tarnishing. Within a flash of a second, i had already woken up and hid my face with the cup i was holding and preparing to leave like a certain Mluya friend of mine when he recies a call notifying him that "kaukali kameiva."

Then she scolded at me loudly i think her mouth is made of "beats by Dre".


"Wewe fresha vinnie, vinniewatz murimi (my both names), fresha unado BA simama hapo unahepa wapi, jinga hii ata una aibu." By now everyone knew that she was referring to me, everybody thought i was the courageous guy who will respond with gusto and wash off this shame. Others thought she was joking since everyone referred to me as a joker, "kierere". BUT I am sorry guys i failed you, let me apologize right now, because at that moment i was singing to Willy Paul's one and olny lyrics to all his songs, "Najitia kitanzi, najitia kitanzi", but there was no rope in the vicinity to "enter me kitanzi".

By now the attention had switched to us, and a small crowd was gathering to witness this free cinema.
'wewe ndio naongolesha, what a guy are you, unapeleka mtu date then unahepa kama hujalipa, ulidhani umeenda mbinguni hutai patikana." "i want my money right now nipe na ulipe ile embarrassment ulinipa. you silly brat son of a bi*** . By now she was getting angry and knocking me with her handbag and other boys joining her to "discipline me"."huyu msichana si wa mama yako," another Adan Duale shouted from the crowd. "Mlipe sa hii na kama si sasa, ni sasa hivi." By the way men we are becoming childish and stupid. we are ready to help a lady without understandig the root cause of the scuffle, in a club, on the road, in the supermaket we are ready to pave a way for a woman without questions and knock fellow men out of the way. This is rdidiculous and i cannot do that over my dead body!!!!!! Man up guys, where is the era when a man coughed and women hid under the able. I MISS THAT DEARLY

ANYWAY, the embarrassment was escalating quickly as everybody demanded i explain to that "beautiful lady" why i wronged her. (another secret ladies, men only say your beautiful if they need a favor from you).  I was forced to stand in between a crowd of rowdy, huge guys that demanded i pay back the "poor girl. I had no money at that moment, my only remnant was fare to take me to the foot of Mt. Kenya the E-city and you know how transport escalates during holidays.

I JOINED POLITICS BECAUSE.....

one of the student union aspirants came to the scenario and saw my tribulations. He immediately called the "meeting into order", it was so un-orderly like the MCAs in their assembly. "Why watch  one of the comrade  being stripped in your presence, where is the comradeship that we uphold, how do you expect this freshas to respect you when you sit and watch them being mistreated," he blurted with this vigor of a true leader. He spoke a lot of sense though i deeply knew he was creating a reputation to garner him votes. He branded that "revenge girl" a stranger who had trespassed and threatened to call the school security if she failed to leave immediately. It was now her turn to run helter skelter as i sang "who is laughing now, exponential potential, walitudharau, haha haha haha, who is laughing now." From that day i pledged my vote, loyalty, sycophancy like Duale and Kajwang to this comrade who saved my poor life...