CHRISTMAS THE KENYAN WAY, where corruption starts

I was having an evening banter with a certain lady over a cup of coffee and she made some intriguing remarks that triggered my brain cells into jolting this down. She was telling me how its a hot season for ladies with a "focus."
Her two cents, if a lady can manage to date Waiguru's son, Wetangula's son, Wambora (Coincidentally, all these names start with a W, and the lady's name was Wanjiru or Shiru if you like) or any-other politician mentioned in a corruption saga would be like killing a bird with two stones. The lady asked me, " If Waigurus pen cost more than 8, 000 Kenyan shillings, how much do you think his son will spend on your underwear leave alone shoes, millions bruh." She whispered as she concluded her statement.

The Pope was here recently, he taught us some virtues and values that we can embrace to achieve a better country. But Kenyans are good at listening and doing completely the opposite.

CHRISTMAS,...this word sounds beautiful from the young to the elderly, it is a festive season when we gather around, have fun and celebrate, but how does it really go down in Kenya.

 #1. Prices go up tremendously by what business experts will call making super normal profits, just because its Christmas. Conductors are demigods, they charge transport prices as we if we are going to heaven. Gikomba second hand clothes retailers sell their commodities at a higher price just because it is Christmas. These are just few examples, liquor is sold the same price as diamond...

#2. People visit up-country once in a year, pimped with Nairobi swag trying to show Ushago people how backward they are. Wait a minute, you have not been home for a year, but you go there for show off, with a hired car lying to people its yours, a new suit that is only worn for occasions, and shopping that is meant to scare people as you flash out Nakumatt paper bags in a place where even Naivas has not reached. Stupid enough, this kind of a guy gives orders at home, commands everyone, and even disorients the timetable at home as he wants to be treated as VIP....SHINDWE...

#3. Watu wa kuomba ten bob wakiona mtu wa Nairobi... Who told my Ushago people that money grow on trees in Nairobi? When they hear that you are around, my friend a piece of advice, run and don't just run, ESCAPE. They are well armed with borrowing skills and they clearly know you don't have a coin, so when they asks for ten bob and you give them a hundred expecting change, dude it seems your wait will be longer...

#4, Bribing the police. If there is a happy man right now in Kenya is the traffic police officer. This is the season to make millions because we will all break the traffic rules, drink and drive, drive at higher speed, drive for long distances without taking a break and all that. Mututho laws are irrelevant during this holiday, but we all have an escape route, kitu kidogo kwa polisi...

#5. Njaaanuary is coming. The month that we wish it would be scrapped off the calendar because it seems to have 45 days. Everyone is broke, hold that thought, not everyone, you remember the guys i mentioned there above, they will not be broke even for a single minute...its just us the common citizens. Reason being, we spent all of it in December, we thought it was the end of the world, endless parties, dishing cash like we are shooting a hip-hop video, taking "clandies" to Mombasa and what no. January is when auctioneers make money, imagine during December a guy was a conductor, in January an auctioneer, in November during the El nino rains he was selling umbrellas,,,,that's how people become millionaires without winning a jackpot.

#6. Last but of course not least, Kenyan men, be worried of two industries that will milk your money like squashing a banana for a baby to eat. Sport-Pesa, this is when you will place your bets in thousands expecting millions, am telling you YOTE NI VANITY. Number two, Safaricom, during December holidays we just fuel phones with credit and never mind looking at the charges, When will are high we call girlfriends for hours, we call fellow guys for a drink spoiling the budget. If you don't have credit in your phone, the higher chances are that you will save a lot this Christmas.

vinniewatz.blogspot.com

SPORT-PESA "The Chronicles of a Fresha...

My dear skirts and trousers, its been long since we had a chart about campus life, for those unfamiliar we call it "the chronicles of a fresha"

Money has always been the problem, "chumz, mullar, dough, cents, cash" and all other acronyms you can get as long as they refer to money. So it happened that i was on my financial crisis period as usual. Man, i was too broke to an extent of joining the Christian Union students who had dedicated the entire week to fast, mine was to avoid seeing food. The first day was successful, i went on hungry the whole day as we prayed and interceded. The problem arose in the evening because my CU counterparts could eat well and replenish their bodies after going hungry the entire day. For me, everything was not okay.  

Why is it when your so hungry is when your neighbors prepare aromatic meals and all adverts you see on TV are about food? It was unfortunate that i had to endure this unpleasant situation as the hostel was filled with nice aromatic smell as i passed along the corridors. There was this block that had a history experiencing blackouts. It reminded me of my high-school years where we disconnected electricity in our dormitory in order to conduct uncouth businesses there. So as i passed along the corridors with my lean stomach that was now attached to the back due to hunger, this aroma of cooking meat could hardly pass my nostrils. It was so conk that i had to peep on its direction, and i immediately sniffed the direction it came from. As soon as i approached that direction, i saw a lighting "jiko" with a "sufuria" on top and i supposed there was meat cooking inside. Without hesitation, i grabbed the entire cargo from the cooking fire, pot, lid, and gushed towards my room in a lightening speed. It was the only way that i was going to sustain my starving self or else the situation could have worsened.

I was salivating profusely and i could not hide my joy. I had million plans on how i would start enjoying my feast and dispose the cooking gadgets to kill any evidence. I thought of putting the food in a paper and pretend that i had bought it at the market place and eat it at my own pace. Greed and hunger could not allow me, i had to scoop the hot and viscous soup straight from the cooking pot. Just after i had made my first gulp, i saw the door's handle fly open and "Wanyonyi" entered my room so agitated. I forgot that the same aroma that had made me discover the meal, led him to the "food thief." He did not look friendly and it was not time to smile at each other, the situation was worse. Everybody knew Wanyonyi's appetite, it could not be quantifiable. It became worse when he was angry, a hungry man is an angry man, remember. I clearly knew that he would swallow me plus the stolen meal. I was a dead man walking.

Wanyonyi called out my name loudly and asked what was happening. Before i could explain myself, he told me to eat slowly and return the sufuria and jiko later. I could not believe my ears, it was very unusual for a wephukulu to leave his plate, especially to a thief. With this embarrassment, somebody introduced me to a simpler way of making money. It was about betting or do i say gambling, keep on the chronicles of fresha to see how gambling made my day bad... 

A CV FROM KAYOLE DUDE "THIRD WORLD PROBLEMS"

                                                              CV

               PERSONAL PROFILE

NAME:           Johnte Maich A.K.A Msanii

ADDRESS:     7890765-0822 UYOLE, YOLS, SOWETO DIGGZ kama wewe ni analogue ni                                       KAYOLE

TELEPHONE: 0722764*** 0709814*** 0734****** 0779873*** 0788650*** (Ukipata ya Safcom                           iko mteja, we dunga ya Zain, Orange, ama tu YU).

EMAIL :              Ilifungwa, Bundles ni ngori mtu nguyaz

ID NUMBER:     354******* But niko na abstract ID ilisanyangwa pale Mihang'o

                          CAREER SUMMARY

Am good in marketing, especially convincing people to board a matatu. Sana sana zile manganya za pinpoint hunichukua internship daily. 

                              WORKING EXPERIENCE

23 AUG 2015 -    M-PESA SHOP. Imagine mtu anakutempt na mulla apo na kukupea job M-PESA.                                zilifika thao mbao nikajipanga nazo nkasare job. Mungu husaidia mtua amejisaidia,  28 AUG 2015

Jan 2015- Aug 2015: SEMI-CONDUCTOR: wale maconda huita wathii waingie kwa mat. Masquad                                       nilidungwa kathaa, experience hapa ninayo. 

                                     

                                      EDUCATION

2010- 2014:             D.E.B, C.D.F Project, Government of JAPAN /USAID Soweto Free Day                                              Secondary. Apa niliwai ka D+ but nilikua poa kuliko bro after kurudia fourth 

                                  alipatanga ki D-.

                                        CAREER OBJECTIVES

Haja ya biz nikumake dough. We usijali venye tutazipata ata kunyang'anya wasee bado ni an option.

                                          HOBBIES

Kuchana sana sana muguka, veve ya Meru ni expe sana

Kuenda baze majioni

kuskiza riddim (kwanza nina stress vybz kartel ako machingili man)

kuenda jam session

                                      REFEREES 

Saich Mras

0786543****

YOLS ukipenda KAYOLE (but huyu aliwaia na masanse juzi unaeza mpata mteja)

Shiks wa Mwaura

07654******

Kariobangi

   

LETTER TO MY EX...Just keep reading

It has come to my attention that a break-up in a relationship is a rite or right of passage if you like. Even when things seem so sweet in your relationship, that Sms "we need to talk" must be received in your phone ONE DAY. The saddest part is that you will have to part ways and move-on with life separately. In these situations, people react differently; some drink alcohol uncontrollably, some cry, others insult their partners, some seek to revenge, tarnish each other's name among other embarrassing reactions. However, i have decided to be different and unique as always.

 I will write a recommendation letter to my Ex just like employers write about their employees. 

Vinniewatz

P.O BOX lost love

My Ex,

HRM Broken Hearts Ltd

P.O BOX mapenzi.com

NAIROBI.

Dear Mr. Future Boyfriend,

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

This is to notify you that the above named person has been working with our company for the last two years. She has been deployed on a rotational program in an array of departments from cooking, washing, accounting my salary, and planning my time. As her supervisor, there are few things i have noted that I should bring to the attention of her future boyfriend. One of the most important issues is that the purported person is a spendthrift. Since we knew each other, I have not saved a single coin in my savings account. She has been asking money from me like a Sacco. I have been evading fellow men since i cant buy them a round; I haven't sent my mother a dime for a while, thanks to this woman.

I would also like to inform you that this person snores badly at night. Her nose can be useful to make a commercial for Subaru motor vehicle. Her heavy sound at night as resulted to my insomniac conditions; sometimes i had to plug in headphones with loud music in order to sleep. She has this weird way of dreaming where she mentions other men's names other than mine. For example, before we broke up she was just obsessed with Morris, she kept on saying "Mollis, Mollis, nimeshoka."   I don't know what that means but since she had mentioned several men before, i was not moved an inch. 

This lady does not cease to amaze me, she had drafted a time-table for our conjugal. Imagine for me to see her, i mean seeing her (you get it), we had to make a fixture just like the EPL League fixtures. If I was late or there was a match abandonment like Gor and AFC match, this meant that i had to loose all the three points. 

However, there are few things that she was good at. Number one, talking, this lady can talk, she can complain all day long, talk more than a stereo radio. She used to scold me each minute we were together for the simplest reason. I now believe the singer Juliani that electric fence cannot protect you from a nagging wife. She is also good in eating, imagine we had to fill the refrigerator every week and I live in Kayole, Is this fair? She can eat lunch at her home, come to my house and cook, and still ask me to take her out for lunch.

Anyway, the lady has gained vast experience about relationship and I believe she will use it to her next organization. I would like to take this opportunity to wish her all the best in her future endeavors. All the best Mr. future Boyfriend. 

Yours in Pain,

Vinniewatz 

  

CHELSEA WOOS..LETTER TO MOURINHO

José Mário dos Santos Mourinho Félix OIH, known as José Mourinho,

Papa Jose Mourinho can we have a small talk...like grown-ups
I have been a faithful and loyal follower of you his excellency, the special one, unique one, chosen one, and also the successful one. Since came to Stamford Bridge as an expatriate to when you made a Kenyan get hold of a Champions league title at Inter-Milan, to your short-flashy stay at Barnabue. However, of late there are some issues i need we iron out...

What crime did Eva Caniero commit that did not warrant a pardon or solving the issue in-house. I have to admit that this lady is my #WOMANCRUSH of all times. She is beautiful, going through her Wikipedia profile, she is a learned woman who can qualify to be a very intelligent wife.Why did you "rub" her? reinstate her please. Did you notice how David Luiz used to lay down now and then so that Eva can treat him? Believe you me after the lady massaged the boy's balls, we could not lose the match. Coming back to Man-city, i believe Terry and Costa missed the services that is why they opted out of the game. I usually consoled your unbearable face with her's, every time the camera focused on the stands. 

Secondly, why keep lashing on Arsene Wenger. Please Mourinho, let the sleeping dog lie, Wenger is a dog that cannot wag its tail to ambush a nagging tse-tse fly. The old-man is just a football ancestor who should be preserved in a shrine with his under-age team. Just leave the man alone, we are tired of your off the pitch squabbles with the professor of...

Thirdly, please please please Mourinho bring back the bus, they might hate on you but it win titles. Look at Wenger and Van-Gaal, they have already stolen your style, scoring one goal and forming a Babylonian wall to protect the goal. Did you see how Wenger has specialized on the art, removing Chamberlain and bringing in this tall guy i don't mind his name? The "Mbus" as Kiraitu Murungi calls it is our only way to the top, bearing in mind that we are now sponsored by a Tyre making company.    

Your mind games are the best lest you forget. I like how you used to say Diego Costa wouldn't play then we see him on the line-up. It worked, pretty well i assure you. Stop changing now, by the way, bring Oscar back, he is good at least my girlfriend cheers him when we watching our game with her. She says that Oscar is the only guy that looks close to handsome in the pitch after Hazard. We need lady fans to win, kindly bring handsome men. Please do not laugh but seriously, Diego Costa, who says he is 26 years. Gosh, are those years counted in blocks of threes, but maybe i get you. In Nigeria, the under 17 team looks older than Michael Carrick and the youngest looks like Eloquim Mangala. 

Lastly, Kenyan fans are real haters please the chosen one. Imagine one person tagged me these on my Facebook wall. And i quote "Please listen to Chelsea fans, they have a point....hahaha A point after two games...no way!!!! I find this insulting but just leave them, they are called Kenyan football fans, very crazy and creative at the same time. Please Papa Jose, I will end it there but just know am penning down more.

If you would wish to get more of my opinions...
log on to  vinniewatz.blogspot.com

@vinniewatz

THE SIMPLEST BREAK-UP...EVER!

It started like a joke; seriously, i din't see it come but i had to make a decision and move on with life.

Our relationship had taken close to eight years, everybody new that we have been together. Each evening i looked forward to meeting my one and only, i made calls, gushed to our rendezvous each time i saw a chance. But this was all going to end, it was time we had to brush our shoulders and say with confidence, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH...

The day we broke up was much prepared, both psychologically, emotionally, and physically. I had visited a therapist prior to this day so that i can be strong for this major lifetime event. As i sat there waiting for the prime hour to arrive, memories whirled round my wits as i remembered how it all started. A shy young boy who was raised in the christian ways had defied all odds and decided to strike a move. A move that was seen as temptation, sin, a vice, but i had to do it. I had already joined high school, so i had to be like other men. I had to be bold and go against my parents' advice and try my own ways. Little did i know that it would end just like a snap!

Breaking up is not easy, it is just not a decision to make overnight. The message is so hefty that it cannot be conveyed via Watsapp or other social networking site. It requires the person to face it and blurt out whatever words will come out of his juke-box of a mouth. As i sat there calmly, i thought of the expected results of our break-up; losing friends, lacking a place to pass time, especially during weekends, feeling sunken and wasted for all those years...bla bla bla

At exactly 5 p.m in the evening, we were sitting together. I tried as much as possible to avoid a direct eye contact because i couldn't believe that i was the one to initiate the break-up. My lips were heavy, my eyes were now red and succulent, the hands were encroached in between the legs as if i had been dropped to the Antarctica. I had prepared this day for more than a week, but when it came i just felt fear all over me. I wished it would end like a dream and wake up to another reality.

Like all men do, i decided to it just the last time before we break-up. I moved closer without looking up front. She was there waiting for my next move. Her presence frightened the hell out of me and i just kept wondering, will i do it? Confidence was piling up rapidly just like a thermometer, i could feel my heart-beat pounding loud in my lungs. I stretched my arms, moved closer, looked at her, and words started flowing like a stream. I could not believe that it was happening just for the last time between us. At last i told her, "give me the last one." The waiter looked at me and said "really Vinnie you are quitting alcohol?.  Then she opened the refrigerator and passed me another beer. It was hard to believe that i was quitting alcohol, this break-up was so emotional that i posted all the hashtags that we can have. I felt low for a moment, the waiter was just discouraging me saying that she knew i will be back in a few. But i had already said enough was enough, our relationship with alcohol had taken ages, destroying most of my plans and it was time to let it go. So i broke-up with alcohol, not with anyone...