Nkirote, How many Holidays do women have? Happy Mother's Week

NKIROTE YOU GO KILL ME OOOOOH (Kindly say that with a Nigerian accent)...


The year is barely half-way and Nkirote has had too much of outings in the name of "holidays for women" Asiiii naku weeee, Keke murume, Ichieni Yawa, Lahaula utaniua Nkirote

1st January was the New Year Holiday and as a man in love I took the pleasure of taking my Nkirote to Meru National park so that we can make Eco-friendly, love supporting the greenbelt movement, if at all you know what i mean. February 14th is the day of love, of cause dinner and flowers were a must for the "laugh" of my life. As the year progressed, there was an international day for women or women's day. I celebrated Nkirote as the Woman who makes my life glitter and shine on. Luckily enough, her birthday was somewhere in March and thanks to Facebook i remembered it and did something for her. On the flip side, I have celebrated  more weird holidays than the realistic ones since then

Problem began when she started fixing her own holidays, it all started with our anniversary. Don't jump into conclusion yet, it was not an anniversary based on our relationship, but to celebrate the day we moved to our new house, a bed sitter in Umoja from a single Mabati house in Kayole. Frankly speaking, I have no idea the exact month we shifted leave alone the date. Easter was not a family holiday for us, but Nkirote's Passover. She claimed to share a name with Mary Magdalene as she is called Mary Nkirote, as usual it became a holiday for the two of us.The third "ambiguous holiday" was fool's day. As all of you were busy fooling each other, i was cornered in Uhuru Park doing face painting and Boat riding with Nkirote, she insisted that it was an internationally recognized holiday. As if that was not enough,  May 1st, which was just the other day, made to our calendar of events. I know it is officially known as Labor day as it is a day set aside by the government to celebrate Kenyan Civil servants and recognize their efforts in building the country. On the contrary, Nkirote took the literal meaning and as usual, it was a holiday for us. Labor day is supposed to celebrate all women who will undergo through labor pain bearing you a child. What a lame explanation, but my friends never joke with a Baite Murume, stay calm and take the lead. With no other option, I had to take out..

Just some few days after celebrating Labor pain day, Nkirote is reminding me of Mother's day, actually week. She insists that this week she should be taken out at least two days or the entire weekend. More interestingly, she is not yet a mother. Am even surprised, is our relationship based on holidays? I think Nkirote is blowing things out of proportion...

BUT one important thing to note is that it is an International Mother's Week where we reflecting on what our mothers have done unto our lives. To any mother out there, Happy Mother's day.

Women its a Body Spray NOT an Air Freshner

The Merriam Webster Online Dictionary defines a body spray as a scented perfume product meant to be sprayed on the body, period. Underline the words meant for the body, Women kindly revisit your dictionaries when using these products. I am tired of entering a Matatu and you have to keep the window open even when its raining. 

Yesterday i went to church and our pastor thought i was very attentive based on my consistent nodding. No i was not; actually, i was in hell literally, suffocating and crying out for breath like Jordan Spark. My day started all badly with a drawer hitting my toes striking pain across my nerve system. I wonder why a toe would make even my ears feel pain, anyway, it was a problem even fitting my feet in my closed shoes as Sandals cannot work in this weather. All along the way i walked as if i had undergone the ritual of circumcision a few hours ago. My face was pale with wrinkles as i struggled to walk in pain. Needless to say, attending a church service is quite important to me so  I had to go. My problem was half solved when the Church leader talked of receiving a blessing of healing by the end of the service. But before then...

.....a humongous fatty looking woman swung her newly acquired Kitenge from  Dubai (that is a shop in Eastleigh) entered and fixed herself just next to me. I maintained a nonchalant appearance despite the fact that her size squeezed me out of the seat until i looked like i was performing the act of egestion in the loo,  I know you understand the look am talking about. That did not bother me much as i have sat severally with huge people in Matatus who make you feel like you will request for a refund from the tout as you are literally not seated. Anyway, after she comforted herself at the expense of my seat plus hers, my nostrils started panting vehemently. Something was amuse.

I guess this woman had used an entire body spray container on herself just for one day. Her smell was burning right in my nose and i could feel the hairs found in the nose drop off. They were being burnt by the heavy scent from this woman. I decided to pretend but not for long. Imagine it was raining and i requested the usher to put on the air conditioner. I could see people seated around  look at her with a suspicious face folding their noses. I was in deep pain, my toes are in pain, she has squeezed me out of my seat almost blowing me up into pieces like a popcorn, and now her fragrance can't be tolerated. I formulated a new way of breathing by maintaining my mouth open with the nose closed but it could not work for long. I tried to sneeze but i was afraid of removing some droplets from my nostrils. I tried to reach my handkerchief but her body couldn't let my hand reach my pocket. It was a sad moment for me, i had to leave before the sermon was over....

and sit in a new place.

Ladies use your deodorants wisely, let the person hugging you feel it and not the entire estate. 

SHUJAA WON, THIS IS WHAT I LEARNT

Kenya National Rugby Sevens Team popularly known as the "Shujaas" made a remarkable finish at the just concluded Rugby Sevens Circuit held in Singapore by bagging the Main Cup. The Main Cup is the most decorated trophy awarded during this tournament and this time round Kenya won despite being an underdog or just another team in the tournament. These are the lessons that i learnt and my girlfriend should take note,,,Nkirote I know you will read this, please take note...

#1. Patience pays. It has taken Kenya Shujaas 17 years before lifting the cup, sincerely Nkirote we have only dated for two months and you want me to marry you. Kahora tafathare, i still got other 16 years and 10 months to lift that ring and put it in your finger. Kwanza you are used of complaining that I am enjoying myself in Nairobi and i don't come to visit you in the highlands of Meru. Nkirote, did you hear that Kenya took a whole decade plus seven years too be received by the Sonko Rescue Team Limousines and to get a live media coverage on their arrival, plus a call directly from the president? Be patient my dear, one day i will come to Meru

#2. A win is a win, despite the margin or the score. Kenya won its game in the Semis by edging out Argentina with a "free kick" that was taken by the maestro Collins Injera at the end of the game earning the team 3 points. It broke the tie and when it flew into the posts the whistle was blown confirming that Kenya had swung into the finals. Similarly, at the pool level, Kenya was declared the winner despite drawing with Scotland but a win was still a win. Nkirote, you should learn from this that the score i make in between the sheets it is a score no matter how short it lasts. You usually scream at me that i don't last, is it an exam that i have to go for a whole two hours. I repeat a score is a score and a win is a win whether a free kick, penalty or whatever. So whether i last or not, get used to it.

#3. A foreign Coach is not necessary for success. Ayimba is a Kenyan; actually a former player for the team. Mark Friday and Jerome coached Kenya and they dint cling the coveted prize won by Kenya with a local coach. Nkirote, this simply means that it is not a must i take you out of Meru for you to feel loved. East or West home is thebest. I know our neighbor's wife has spoiled you with stories of how she was taken to Mombasa and other places. Be contented when i take you out to the foot of Mt. Kenya and the Njuri Ncheke's shrine taking the local brew, marwa. (AFC take note)

#4. Its not about the huge bodies, its the strategy. Seriously, if the body size matters, Samoa, Fiji, and New Zealand could have won all the games comfortably. Here strategy matters and that is why Nelson Oyoo shown the world that Kenyans do not only run on the tracks but also in the rugby field. Of late i have heard Nkirote complain that i don't have six pack, six inch, six inched wallet, six blah blah. Lemmi quote my learned friend PLO Lumumba, it is not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog. I leave it there

#5. Your loved when you succeed. Nobody has dared to welcome Harambee stars for the last i don't know how many years. Shujaas too have been sidelined but when they won the cup all over sudden everybody knows about rugby including Wetangula, Khalwale, and Balala even though their tweets proved otherwise. In simple terms, Nkirote when i finally come to Meru, I will bring you a Trophy (wedding ring), foreign coach (take you out), huge body by exercise and a toned body with six pack, i am pretty sure you will love me when i succeed. Even if it takes 17 years, just be patient.

MY RELATIONSHIP IS UNDER RECEIVERSHIP, SHOULD I CHASE IT OR BANK ON IT

 Receivership 

 Receivership is defined by the Wikipedia as the situation in which an institution or enterprise is being held by a receiver who is "placed in the custodial responsibility for the property of others, including tangible and intangible assets and rights", especially in cases where a company cannot meet its financial obligations or enters bankruptcy (Wikipedia). Simply, the institution has no absolute rights to make decisions or handle its normal operations as it used to.  In real sense, my relationship is under receivership.

 I am 100% sure that only the CBK's governor Patrick Njoroge can save me from "my lover." Guys, tell me whether this should happen especially if it is orchestrated by a person you purport to be your lover. Men, oops CBK governor, why are you so concerned with Chase and Imperial banks while i am totally under receivership. Then next bank you want to put under receivership just call my girlfriend, she has specialized on this art.  My friends, I am a prisoner just like the Lucky Duby song suggests. I can't call her anytime i feel, but when she allows it. Both of our phones are protected with passwords but she knows mine whereas she changes hers every minute without notifying me. When i receive a text message on my phone, this is what i hear "babe nani huyo ametutext." She has to know who calls me every minute. There was a day we were coming from shopping and i was carrying a bunch of papers full of groceries and foodstuff. All she wanted to help me carry was my phone. Seriously, is it my phone or our phone, it is so clear that my phone is under receivership.

Secondly, i don't make decisions; what to eat, matatu to board, clothes i should wear, people i should make my friends, and groups to join on Watsapp are all my girlfriend's decisions. If I talk to my Mom regularly, she claims i am a mama's boy, if i fail to call her for a week, she claims i have neglected my family. My decisions are under a receivership. The worst of all is determining when to be intimate and when not to. If i touch her when she doesn't want, it is a problem,I have to keep distance. Similarly, when she wants the touch, she doesn't care whether am sick or my touching pads are not feeling it, she gets what she wants. To make the matters worse, I do ask for her permission to watch my favorite programs in my own television, ati can't i see she is watching the episode of La Gata that she missed. I have to go to her favorite church service and become a friend to her friends. I cannot raise an argument in her presence, she commands the conversation and humiliates me in front of people. NB; she is not from Nyeri

Even the most important thing for men, admiring and appreciating other women on the street is a crime in our relationship. It is normal for a female species to pass in front of a man and the man passes a short compliment like, OMG she has a bright future. In our case that would amount to a divorce, but she always say that Alehandro is hot, sijui sautisol guys are handsome,,,,then why always me? Gentlemen, is this a relationship? Should i bank on it or just chase it like the Chase Bank. Yours in trouble, waiting for your advises but currently am on receivership, i don't know if i will be liquidated

@vinniewatz 

PULLING A "UHURU"

"Pulling a Uhuru" does not mean attaining independence, but survival tactics drawn from the Kenyan President his Excellency Uhuru Kenyatta during his state of the nation address. If you happens to live under the equinox affected area, then you know what happened when the president was addressing Kenyans. I am not political, but what happened on Thursday may give us a tip or two on life skills.

After some members of parliament decided to disrupt the ongoing presidential speech, the President just appeared to be calm and collected, he just laughed it off calling it entertainment. Now the act of laughing something out is what i call, pulling a Uhuru

There are instances in this life that we need to Pull a Uhuru and move on.

For instance, yesterday April 1st, was on fools day where people are pranked and goofed around. I had one instance of a friend cancelling travelling up country because the lecturer had called them for an impromptu C.A.T. It later turned out that it was a prank. Okay, that succeeded, but suppose you are pranking me. I could sense lies from a distance, so i just Pulled a Uhuru and told you that it was mission impossible.

Another major instance happens on social media, reading a post that you know it has been directied to you and it is hitting on you like a sledgehammer. You read, re-read, post-read and promise yourself you wouldn't react only to realize you commented bitterly on it. Please Kenyans, just Pull a Uhuru and scroll down.

This is common with many employed Kenyans. You are supposed to be paid on 27th at the end of the month. Your financial status is quite wanting, so you decide to wait until 29th to go to the bank. One thing is for sure, the two day difference is a guarantee that the salary has been credited. Upon keying in the ATM pin, you do not need to check the balance but go on to withdraw 20,000 Kshs at once. Shock on you, you do not have sufficient funds to perform this operation, the machine responds. Guys, just pull a Uhuru and go on with life, they will pay on 5th the following month.


And if you feel disgusted about something or somebody, please Pull a Uhuru and move on.


@vinniewatz  

WHEN KWS AND THE LION FIGHT, TEAM MAFISI WINS THE BATTLE...

#TEAMMAFISI today i will be your advocate,,,a round of applause to yours truly as i act the David Ndii of the animal kingdom.

Over the last few days, our media has been awash with news coverage about the issue of human/animal conflict. Communities are encroaching the space set for wild animals and the animals are retaliating by visiting the town centers and intermingling with people freely. It is the daily norm to find a lion in the streets of Nairobi may be in a butchery buying a kilo of Nyama, then it would tell the butcher "Usiweke Mifupa Mob." Or even find a monkey listening to a radio, Usiseme ina Uluhya. Our abled KWS managed to stabilize the situation at Isinya where they shot at a lion dead for public safety. KWS may be applauded for killing a lion but there is another king who emerges, Fisi. Smriti Vidyarthi I think by now I should be in your show, the Wild Talk.

The famous Kiswahili quote "panya akiondoka, paka...and when two bulls fight, in this case the grass benefits." Lets take this story literally, KWS obviously represents the government or the society, the Lion, the king of the jungle, for the family man, and Team Mafisi is obviously those who want to reap where they didn't sow.

Am worried for these married men who dedicate most of their times fighting for the society and the government, sijataja Weta. They are family men, with lovely wives who they promised to be a lion in their lives and spend most of their time together. Surprisingly, when they got to the high ranks at their parastatals, organizations, political positions at the "KWS", they vanished. Like the dust during this equinox, they are only seen by a whisker. One, they forget during the equinox the temperatures are too high to even make plants flourish. The same applies to the kitchen garden, its vegetables and all other ingredients meant to spice our meals may end up withering. In this case, the Lion will just be strolling, disturbing people and showing sheep and goats how its powerful. You are left to wonder, the Lion should be fighting wild beasts and other fierce animals, but attacking the public, aiiii even the podium is set to fall. That is when KWS enters the field to counter the lion's acts. A fight will ensue for the entire day, and the lion will decide to retire back to its jungle, fatigued.

When the lion returns back to the jungle, it will be so tired that it cannot even have a banter with the lioness. That is when the lioness will go mad. "Sincerely, the lioness would ask, you mean you fought all day, left me here to dry under the scorching sun with no one to water my garden, you did not even go hunting and you brought nothing for our cubs, and here you are saying that you are tired, chineke my friend." Ladies and gentlemen, what we will witness the following day will be the lion at the KWS office recording a statement. After its dental formula has been dismantled, its mane has been disoriented and the lioness used it to make a weave, and a bandage all over the Lion's head. It will complain of the lioness attacks and we will be left wondering, the previous day it was in the public domain showing its might by fighting an entire KWS army, it could have just done the same to its lioness. This is when the most successful team than the Harambee stars, Team Mafisi emerges, to water the kitchen garden for the lioness.

Ask Mc Jessy and Shafie Weru, they will tell you that it is only the Mafisi Sacco that admits members without paying premiums, guarantors, next of kin, ID number and all those requirements. They only ask for experience, do it and don't be caught, their mantra. Now when the lion is busy showing its claws and waving the paws against the KWS faces, Team Mafisi immediately assumes power in the jungle. Just a point to remember, the Kitchen garden is running dry, what do the hyena do? water it and do it to the best of its knowledge. The lioness will find solace in Hyena's paws, it will complain no more, they will eat carcass together and the lion's position in the jungle will be completely forgotten.

Please ladies and gentlemen, let us first safeguard our jungles before going out for the KWS....


@vinniewatz

vinniewatz.blogspot.com

a