WHEN KWS AND THE LION FIGHT, TEAM MAFISI WINS THE BATTLE...

#TEAMMAFISI today i will be your advocate,,,a round of applause to yours truly as i act the David Ndii of the animal kingdom.

Over the last few days, our media has been awash with news coverage about the issue of human/animal conflict. Communities are encroaching the space set for wild animals and the animals are retaliating by visiting the town centers and intermingling with people freely. It is the daily norm to find a lion in the streets of Nairobi may be in a butchery buying a kilo of Nyama, then it would tell the butcher "Usiweke Mifupa Mob." Or even find a monkey listening to a radio, Usiseme ina Uluhya. Our abled KWS managed to stabilize the situation at Isinya where they shot at a lion dead for public safety. KWS may be applauded for killing a lion but there is another king who emerges, Fisi. Smriti Vidyarthi I think by now I should be in your show, the Wild Talk.

The famous Kiswahili quote "panya akiondoka, paka...and when two bulls fight, in this case the grass benefits." Lets take this story literally, KWS obviously represents the government or the society, the Lion, the king of the jungle, for the family man, and Team Mafisi is obviously those who want to reap where they didn't sow.

Am worried for these married men who dedicate most of their times fighting for the society and the government, sijataja Weta. They are family men, with lovely wives who they promised to be a lion in their lives and spend most of their time together. Surprisingly, when they got to the high ranks at their parastatals, organizations, political positions at the "KWS", they vanished. Like the dust during this equinox, they are only seen by a whisker. One, they forget during the equinox the temperatures are too high to even make plants flourish. The same applies to the kitchen garden, its vegetables and all other ingredients meant to spice our meals may end up withering. In this case, the Lion will just be strolling, disturbing people and showing sheep and goats how its powerful. You are left to wonder, the Lion should be fighting wild beasts and other fierce animals, but attacking the public, aiiii even the podium is set to fall. That is when KWS enters the field to counter the lion's acts. A fight will ensue for the entire day, and the lion will decide to retire back to its jungle, fatigued.

When the lion returns back to the jungle, it will be so tired that it cannot even have a banter with the lioness. That is when the lioness will go mad. "Sincerely, the lioness would ask, you mean you fought all day, left me here to dry under the scorching sun with no one to water my garden, you did not even go hunting and you brought nothing for our cubs, and here you are saying that you are tired, chineke my friend." Ladies and gentlemen, what we will witness the following day will be the lion at the KWS office recording a statement. After its dental formula has been dismantled, its mane has been disoriented and the lioness used it to make a weave, and a bandage all over the Lion's head. It will complain of the lioness attacks and we will be left wondering, the previous day it was in the public domain showing its might by fighting an entire KWS army, it could have just done the same to its lioness. This is when the most successful team than the Harambee stars, Team Mafisi emerges, to water the kitchen garden for the lioness.

Ask Mc Jessy and Shafie Weru, they will tell you that it is only the Mafisi Sacco that admits members without paying premiums, guarantors, next of kin, ID number and all those requirements. They only ask for experience, do it and don't be caught, their mantra. Now when the lion is busy showing its claws and waving the paws against the KWS faces, Team Mafisi immediately assumes power in the jungle. Just a point to remember, the Kitchen garden is running dry, what do the hyena do? water it and do it to the best of its knowledge. The lioness will find solace in Hyena's paws, it will complain no more, they will eat carcass together and the lion's position in the jungle will be completely forgotten.

Please ladies and gentlemen, let us first safeguard our jungles before going out for the KWS....


@vinniewatz

vinniewatz.blogspot.com

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INSIDE THE LEAKAGE, NTV EXPOSE', NKIROTE MUST REPEAT

EXAM LEAKAGE, the "AMERUCAN WAY"

As you all know, Nkirote and I decided to tie the knot immediately after the K.C.S.E. results were released. I had to wait until the results were released for two major reasons. One, i had sworn never to marry a woman who attains below C+ (the minimum campus entry mark in Kenya); Secondly, the dates of releasing the exam results coincided with Nkirote's 18th birthday. No matter how much we loved each other, i had to wait for her to attain the majority age or else face problems with the authority, especially our chief. Since his Excellency Uhuru Kenyatta declared war on illicit brews, our chief has been bankrupt as his side hustle (taking bribe from chang'aa vendors) has faced a rock bottom; so breaking a law such as marrying a minor would cost you dearly in the slopes of Mt. Kenya.

 Our love life with Nkiorte has been cruising perfectly well until yesterday when we watched NTV's story #INSIDE THE LEAKAGE. Nkirote concentrated too much on that story raising my suspicion. My main problem was that she kept on asking me to interpret each and every statement on the report. Two questions rung in my mind: why is she so concerned that she had to watch the story once more on You tube and if she really understands English for she kept on asking for my assistance. It did not take long to get the answers.

After marrying Nkirote, our small house was awash with visitors on daily basis. According to AMERUs customs, a young couple should receive guests, probably elder people, who will guide them on how to start life together. One day Nkirote prepared a meal and before partaking it, we had to pray. That is when i sensed danger. "Acheni tuombe" she declared. We all closed our eyes and since we had received guests from as far as from Nanyuki, it was right to conduct everything in a neutral language in order to serve each person well. "Mungu baba tunakuja mbele zako..." immedeatly after two lines of prayers in Swahili, she switched, supposedly spoke in tongues, Kimeru came in..."Murungu nitwakuromba uturekele....blah blah" Afterwards, she was told to give a vote of thanks after the visit, I swear i had to intervene before she messed up the whole ceremony. Imagine she cannot make a speech even in vernacular and she just completed school in November last year, lanes.

That did not raise an alarm as I thought its just a normal occurrence; however, what I witnessed yesterday proved that she is guilty as charged, dunderhead. First, Nkirote's EX is from WARGADUD high school where the crime is purported to have occurred. That raises the question, if the exam was tampered from that school, Nkirote should have been one of the main beneficiaries since she was the first lady to a guy who experienced the leakage first-hand. Secondly, in her mock exams she attained a very high mark of D+, how comes in K.C.S.E she managed to get a C+. Ladies and gentlemen if you really understand the AMERU's accent, for Nkirote its deep rooted. She starts every statement with "Keke" an Amerucan slogan just like the Luo's say "Yawa". She cannot utter a word without adding the AMERUCAN swag, if you really don't understand, listen to MC Jessy or Kawira from Papa Shirandula and your quest will be dealt with perfectly.

After the NTV expose, i decided to do my own research in the house. I decided to do an impromptu assessment test in the house, a R.A.T. Surprisingly, Nkirote doesn't know even the name of our governor, who doesn't know Peter Munya, even a breastfeeding infant knows how he walked away from Ruto's meeting. Another shocker was  seeing the name Wargadud on the screen made her extremely happy until she forgot herself and started making a confession unknowingly. That is when i realized I married an exam cheat. If she had all the papers and only managed a C+ just guess what she could have acquired with her own brain. I suppose a better mark. Kenyans lets desist from this behavior of cheating in everything. We all stand accused of buying driving licenses, employment, exams,

fake twitter followers, even reporters buy stories which means i am not sure whether the NTV story was factual. All said and done, Nkirote must repeat or look for another husband, period. 

I MUST TAKE KEROSENE...

What is the price of paraffin or is it kerosene again?

According to the Energy Regulatory Commission of Kenya, kerosene retails at 40 bob per liter in most cities and towns around Kenya. Forty bob is not a major concern for me, the question is, do you know what a liter of kerosene can do?

Okay, i know you like to forget, let me take you back down the memory lane. Did you realize that almost all the meals in high school had been spiced with kerosene, especially in July and June when the temperatures were chilly (i wonder those schools in Limuru how much kerosene was added to their food). Yes, i know you remember quite well, kerosene acted as a speed governor to limit the speed and distance traveled down stairs. High school was just special, did you notice when a sister to a student, a mother who looked young, or a teaching practice teacher, caused an uproar in school if she visited? Then paraffin was meant to regulate such extreme situations.

Now get me right, i have a problem. The sight of a fine lady on the street especially those who have stolen euro-bond and hid it behind will just cause mayhem among men idling along the streets in the estate. The problem arose another day i boarded a Kayole route Matatu, (although i was going to Donholm not Kayole, kujichocha nayo). In these matatus, Michuki laws are yet to be actualized fully, people stand inside the vehicle. I was one of those who stood up. I had no problem with that until the Matatu went on stuffing people in. A fine lady who did not look like a Kayole resident, may be she was from Kitsuru but on adventure to the East lands, i supposed, entered the Matatu. The pathway where i stood was already full and the conductor pushed me back to make a space for her. Surprisingly, she fit there between as if the space was meant for her. Have you ever closed your eyes when chewing sugarcane or taking something sweet, like shaggy once sung, bite your lips and close your eyes, that is what i did. Her rear view squeezed itself just on top of my gear box, remember my hands are up holding onto the vehicle and trying to maintain balance. If you have been to Kayole you know how the road is bumpy, every time we hit a pothole, my manhood rubbed her behind. The reaction was faster than that of potassium when immersed in water.

As if the driver was aware and enjoyed my agony, he kept on hitting potholes and bumps along the road. To add onto the innuendos, the lady shook her waist as she tried to get back to her position. Unfortunately, i was in track trouser, loose pants. The expansion was very conspicuous and she noticed that something hard was piercing her. I guess at first she thought it was the luggage or i was carrying an umbrella that kept poking her behind, you know how luggage is kept carelessly in these matatus. To make herself comfortable, she extended her hand to remove that "umbrella" piercing her. This is the part you are supposed to whisper Amen or Oh my God depending on what you will imagine. She held it, "the umbrella" this was a mistake, she triggered unintended emotions making my cargo germinate like maize in Eldoret. It became, taller, hotter, harder, stronger, violent, hostile, uncomfortable, problematic and my face started sweating. After noticing what she had done she just smiled to herself knowing the fire she has lit.

Unfortunately, i heard the conductor stop the vehicle and the lady plus other people who were standing alighted from the vehicle. I was left standing alone on the pathway and obviously i was the center of attention. There was a sitting space at the back seat. The problem was making my way to the back seat with my cargo as hard as a bone.After turning to head to the back, everyone looked at me in awe. In a track suit everyone could notice the reaction. I tried hiding with my hands but they were so small to hide anything. Another lady who was old enough to be my mother looked at me surprised, i guess wondering how blessed i am. I solemnly swear, I am on my way to the pump, its only forty bob for kerosene, I will be taking 3 times 1 before sleeping and after waking up, so help me God. I cant stand this once more, paraffin for life. 

PROJECT X...the Nkirote way...

I have not written since the year begun, "I was finding myself" as most of the artist blind our minds with this cliche "finding myself.' For me it was not the case but i was busy with the Kenya Drama Festival trying to pass the creativity mantle to the young generation. As i was busy doing something worthwhile to our young ones, they were busy celebrating their K.C.S.E results. (it is funny how when a school displays good results everybody becomes associated with it instantly even those who didn't sit for the exam). Amid the celebrations, i was ensuring that my drama team members sharpen their skills so that they can lock horns with other teams and give them "old guards" a run for their money. I was in Meru, away from Nairobi, i mean far from this intoxicated town but thanks to social media i was still intertwined with the city. That is how i learnt of Project X, it was unfair how i was doing something positive to the teens but they were in turn inventing something heinous like Project X.

Meru is a nice town with a lot to admire; however, the terrain is quite scary especially to those who fear heights. It is a town that is high above sea level with a higher altitude than most of the places in Kenya. Therefore, what happens in Nairobi might take time before Vaites get a wind of it, but Project X was an exceptional. My students were in full swing with the trend, i bet its due to the fact that they had a mid-term break during that time. If you ever attended drama festival in high school, then you are aware at advanced competition levels students from various schools spend away from their schools collectively into one or more schools referred to as"villages" and attend the competitions venue during the day. As the most accredited trainer, thespian, playwright, instructor, director from Nairobi (with all those tittles just imagine nobody even noticed who i was, ni sawa tu watu wa Meru) I was in the forefront ensuring that my students perform in time and display the best show that has ever been witnessed in the highland region (although that only happened in my mind, when they went on stage, i hid my face).

To cut the short story long, this was the venue where my girls led by the one and only Nkirote and Kairithia were going to execute their well planned Project X. At first, the patron and I did not notice what was going on with our students. They always maintained a distance from us and sometimes we had to look for them thoroughly if we needed them. As a drama festival die hard, i made sure that i remained in the hall watching items in order to sharpen my skills to equip akina Nkirote for the coming year (i was already guarantee for an early exit after witnessing exemplar performances from other schools). Nkirote seemed shy all through the festival which was not usual, i assumed she was suffering from teenage problems or she was scared of the boys. My suspicion was all wrong, Nkirote had something in mind, something that would make me run wild and could even earn her recognition worldwide within a day. She called other girls to an urgent meeting and they had to lay down a workable strategy on how to execute Project X without notifying or attracting unnecessary attention. They held numerous meetings behind school buses, in the lavatories, and even in the villages where they spent their nights.

As wise custodians (patron and I), we did not take long before noticing something was not right with our girls. We were all fond of Nkirote and spending two days without seeing her meant something was completely a miss. We decided to follow up. As good spies, we sent a girl from another school to locate our girls and give us the intelligence information, we were now NIS. The patron assured me that whatever the girls were doing we would pounce on them just like a cat grasps a grasshopper. The girl we had sent came back and told us that she had seen them behind the school buses in the field discussing project X. The venue of their meeting was already suspicious, we knew that our girls were not to something good.

Kwisha, i told the patron "have you heard of Project X" i asked her. Project X is a curse to humanity. It is the worst invention that humanity has come up with for the last 2000 plus years, i told the patron. I assured her that our girls were now heading to hell and we had to act in a haste. The patron was already swearing how she will punish them and make sure they return to school immediately. She almost rung the principal but we had to get hold of them first. Like the SWAT team we swung into action towards where the girls were. As we were told, behind the buses they were. I removed my shoes and tip toed ensuring i made no noise towards the girls in order to catch them red handed. Nkirote was the ring leader in laying out the plan, they did not notice my presence as they vehemently discussed about Project X. The patron arrived and also listened to them carefully. I tell you Nkirote and others were formulating a play to present at the drama national festivals next year titled Project X. They had witnessed severe competition from other schools and started planning for 2017 as early as possible. Nkirote was not thinking of that Project X that were duped to think it was but a very nice idea that i welcome with an open mind.

Meru see you next year with Project X and Nkirote will be my main character. Next time i narrated an ordeal that i went through in Meru, i almost kissed heaven, i cheated death...real story