INSIDE THE LEAKAGE, NTV EXPOSE', NKIROTE MUST REPEAT

EXAM LEAKAGE, the "AMERUCAN WAY"

As you all know, Nkirote and I decided to tie the knot immediately after the K.C.S.E. results were released. I had to wait until the results were released for two major reasons. One, i had sworn never to marry a woman who attains below C+ (the minimum campus entry mark in Kenya); Secondly, the dates of releasing the exam results coincided with Nkirote's 18th birthday. No matter how much we loved each other, i had to wait for her to attain the majority age or else face problems with the authority, especially our chief. Since his Excellency Uhuru Kenyatta declared war on illicit brews, our chief has been bankrupt as his side hustle (taking bribe from chang'aa vendors) has faced a rock bottom; so breaking a law such as marrying a minor would cost you dearly in the slopes of Mt. Kenya.

 Our love life with Nkiorte has been cruising perfectly well until yesterday when we watched NTV's story #INSIDE THE LEAKAGE. Nkirote concentrated too much on that story raising my suspicion. My main problem was that she kept on asking me to interpret each and every statement on the report. Two questions rung in my mind: why is she so concerned that she had to watch the story once more on You tube and if she really understands English for she kept on asking for my assistance. It did not take long to get the answers.

After marrying Nkirote, our small house was awash with visitors on daily basis. According to AMERUs customs, a young couple should receive guests, probably elder people, who will guide them on how to start life together. One day Nkirote prepared a meal and before partaking it, we had to pray. That is when i sensed danger. "Acheni tuombe" she declared. We all closed our eyes and since we had received guests from as far as from Nanyuki, it was right to conduct everything in a neutral language in order to serve each person well. "Mungu baba tunakuja mbele zako..." immedeatly after two lines of prayers in Swahili, she switched, supposedly spoke in tongues, Kimeru came in..."Murungu nitwakuromba uturekele....blah blah" Afterwards, she was told to give a vote of thanks after the visit, I swear i had to intervene before she messed up the whole ceremony. Imagine she cannot make a speech even in vernacular and she just completed school in November last year, lanes.

That did not raise an alarm as I thought its just a normal occurrence; however, what I witnessed yesterday proved that she is guilty as charged, dunderhead. First, Nkirote's EX is from WARGADUD high school where the crime is purported to have occurred. That raises the question, if the exam was tampered from that school, Nkirote should have been one of the main beneficiaries since she was the first lady to a guy who experienced the leakage first-hand. Secondly, in her mock exams she attained a very high mark of D+, how comes in K.C.S.E she managed to get a C+. Ladies and gentlemen if you really understand the AMERU's accent, for Nkirote its deep rooted. She starts every statement with "Keke" an Amerucan slogan just like the Luo's say "Yawa". She cannot utter a word without adding the AMERUCAN swag, if you really don't understand, listen to MC Jessy or Kawira from Papa Shirandula and your quest will be dealt with perfectly.

After the NTV expose, i decided to do my own research in the house. I decided to do an impromptu assessment test in the house, a R.A.T. Surprisingly, Nkirote doesn't know even the name of our governor, who doesn't know Peter Munya, even a breastfeeding infant knows how he walked away from Ruto's meeting. Another shocker was  seeing the name Wargadud on the screen made her extremely happy until she forgot herself and started making a confession unknowingly. That is when i realized I married an exam cheat. If she had all the papers and only managed a C+ just guess what she could have acquired with her own brain. I suppose a better mark. Kenyans lets desist from this behavior of cheating in everything. We all stand accused of buying driving licenses, employment, exams,

fake twitter followers, even reporters buy stories which means i am not sure whether the NTV story was factual. All said and done, Nkirote must repeat or look for another husband, period. 

I MUST TAKE KEROSENE...

What is the price of paraffin or is it kerosene again?

According to the Energy Regulatory Commission of Kenya, kerosene retails at 40 bob per liter in most cities and towns around Kenya. Forty bob is not a major concern for me, the question is, do you know what a liter of kerosene can do?

Okay, i know you like to forget, let me take you back down the memory lane. Did you realize that almost all the meals in high school had been spiced with kerosene, especially in July and June when the temperatures were chilly (i wonder those schools in Limuru how much kerosene was added to their food). Yes, i know you remember quite well, kerosene acted as a speed governor to limit the speed and distance traveled down stairs. High school was just special, did you notice when a sister to a student, a mother who looked young, or a teaching practice teacher, caused an uproar in school if she visited? Then paraffin was meant to regulate such extreme situations.

Now get me right, i have a problem. The sight of a fine lady on the street especially those who have stolen euro-bond and hid it behind will just cause mayhem among men idling along the streets in the estate. The problem arose another day i boarded a Kayole route Matatu, (although i was going to Donholm not Kayole, kujichocha nayo). In these matatus, Michuki laws are yet to be actualized fully, people stand inside the vehicle. I was one of those who stood up. I had no problem with that until the Matatu went on stuffing people in. A fine lady who did not look like a Kayole resident, may be she was from Kitsuru but on adventure to the East lands, i supposed, entered the Matatu. The pathway where i stood was already full and the conductor pushed me back to make a space for her. Surprisingly, she fit there between as if the space was meant for her. Have you ever closed your eyes when chewing sugarcane or taking something sweet, like shaggy once sung, bite your lips and close your eyes, that is what i did. Her rear view squeezed itself just on top of my gear box, remember my hands are up holding onto the vehicle and trying to maintain balance. If you have been to Kayole you know how the road is bumpy, every time we hit a pothole, my manhood rubbed her behind. The reaction was faster than that of potassium when immersed in water.

As if the driver was aware and enjoyed my agony, he kept on hitting potholes and bumps along the road. To add onto the innuendos, the lady shook her waist as she tried to get back to her position. Unfortunately, i was in track trouser, loose pants. The expansion was very conspicuous and she noticed that something hard was piercing her. I guess at first she thought it was the luggage or i was carrying an umbrella that kept poking her behind, you know how luggage is kept carelessly in these matatus. To make herself comfortable, she extended her hand to remove that "umbrella" piercing her. This is the part you are supposed to whisper Amen or Oh my God depending on what you will imagine. She held it, "the umbrella" this was a mistake, she triggered unintended emotions making my cargo germinate like maize in Eldoret. It became, taller, hotter, harder, stronger, violent, hostile, uncomfortable, problematic and my face started sweating. After noticing what she had done she just smiled to herself knowing the fire she has lit.

Unfortunately, i heard the conductor stop the vehicle and the lady plus other people who were standing alighted from the vehicle. I was left standing alone on the pathway and obviously i was the center of attention. There was a sitting space at the back seat. The problem was making my way to the back seat with my cargo as hard as a bone.After turning to head to the back, everyone looked at me in awe. In a track suit everyone could notice the reaction. I tried hiding with my hands but they were so small to hide anything. Another lady who was old enough to be my mother looked at me surprised, i guess wondering how blessed i am. I solemnly swear, I am on my way to the pump, its only forty bob for kerosene, I will be taking 3 times 1 before sleeping and after waking up, so help me God. I cant stand this once more, paraffin for life. 

PROJECT X...the Nkirote way...

I have not written since the year begun, "I was finding myself" as most of the artist blind our minds with this cliche "finding myself.' For me it was not the case but i was busy with the Kenya Drama Festival trying to pass the creativity mantle to the young generation. As i was busy doing something worthwhile to our young ones, they were busy celebrating their K.C.S.E results. (it is funny how when a school displays good results everybody becomes associated with it instantly even those who didn't sit for the exam). Amid the celebrations, i was ensuring that my drama team members sharpen their skills so that they can lock horns with other teams and give them "old guards" a run for their money. I was in Meru, away from Nairobi, i mean far from this intoxicated town but thanks to social media i was still intertwined with the city. That is how i learnt of Project X, it was unfair how i was doing something positive to the teens but they were in turn inventing something heinous like Project X.

Meru is a nice town with a lot to admire; however, the terrain is quite scary especially to those who fear heights. It is a town that is high above sea level with a higher altitude than most of the places in Kenya. Therefore, what happens in Nairobi might take time before Vaites get a wind of it, but Project X was an exceptional. My students were in full swing with the trend, i bet its due to the fact that they had a mid-term break during that time. If you ever attended drama festival in high school, then you are aware at advanced competition levels students from various schools spend away from their schools collectively into one or more schools referred to as"villages" and attend the competitions venue during the day. As the most accredited trainer, thespian, playwright, instructor, director from Nairobi (with all those tittles just imagine nobody even noticed who i was, ni sawa tu watu wa Meru) I was in the forefront ensuring that my students perform in time and display the best show that has ever been witnessed in the highland region (although that only happened in my mind, when they went on stage, i hid my face).

To cut the short story long, this was the venue where my girls led by the one and only Nkirote and Kairithia were going to execute their well planned Project X. At first, the patron and I did not notice what was going on with our students. They always maintained a distance from us and sometimes we had to look for them thoroughly if we needed them. As a drama festival die hard, i made sure that i remained in the hall watching items in order to sharpen my skills to equip akina Nkirote for the coming year (i was already guarantee for an early exit after witnessing exemplar performances from other schools). Nkirote seemed shy all through the festival which was not usual, i assumed she was suffering from teenage problems or she was scared of the boys. My suspicion was all wrong, Nkirote had something in mind, something that would make me run wild and could even earn her recognition worldwide within a day. She called other girls to an urgent meeting and they had to lay down a workable strategy on how to execute Project X without notifying or attracting unnecessary attention. They held numerous meetings behind school buses, in the lavatories, and even in the villages where they spent their nights.

As wise custodians (patron and I), we did not take long before noticing something was not right with our girls. We were all fond of Nkirote and spending two days without seeing her meant something was completely a miss. We decided to follow up. As good spies, we sent a girl from another school to locate our girls and give us the intelligence information, we were now NIS. The patron assured me that whatever the girls were doing we would pounce on them just like a cat grasps a grasshopper. The girl we had sent came back and told us that she had seen them behind the school buses in the field discussing project X. The venue of their meeting was already suspicious, we knew that our girls were not to something good.

Kwisha, i told the patron "have you heard of Project X" i asked her. Project X is a curse to humanity. It is the worst invention that humanity has come up with for the last 2000 plus years, i told the patron. I assured her that our girls were now heading to hell and we had to act in a haste. The patron was already swearing how she will punish them and make sure they return to school immediately. She almost rung the principal but we had to get hold of them first. Like the SWAT team we swung into action towards where the girls were. As we were told, behind the buses they were. I removed my shoes and tip toed ensuring i made no noise towards the girls in order to catch them red handed. Nkirote was the ring leader in laying out the plan, they did not notice my presence as they vehemently discussed about Project X. The patron arrived and also listened to them carefully. I tell you Nkirote and others were formulating a play to present at the drama national festivals next year titled Project X. They had witnessed severe competition from other schools and started planning for 2017 as early as possible. Nkirote was not thinking of that Project X that were duped to think it was but a very nice idea that i welcome with an open mind.

Meru see you next year with Project X and Nkirote will be my main character. Next time i narrated an ordeal that i went through in Meru, i almost kissed heaven, i cheated death...real story

CHRISTMAS THE KENYAN WAY, where corruption starts

I was having an evening banter with a certain lady over a cup of coffee and she made some intriguing remarks that triggered my brain cells into jolting this down. She was telling me how its a hot season for ladies with a "focus."
Her two cents, if a lady can manage to date Waiguru's son, Wetangula's son, Wambora (Coincidentally, all these names start with a W, and the lady's name was Wanjiru or Shiru if you like) or any-other politician mentioned in a corruption saga would be like killing a bird with two stones. The lady asked me, " If Waigurus pen cost more than 8, 000 Kenyan shillings, how much do you think his son will spend on your underwear leave alone shoes, millions bruh." She whispered as she concluded her statement.

The Pope was here recently, he taught us some virtues and values that we can embrace to achieve a better country. But Kenyans are good at listening and doing completely the opposite.

CHRISTMAS,...this word sounds beautiful from the young to the elderly, it is a festive season when we gather around, have fun and celebrate, but how does it really go down in Kenya.

 #1. Prices go up tremendously by what business experts will call making super normal profits, just because its Christmas. Conductors are demigods, they charge transport prices as we if we are going to heaven. Gikomba second hand clothes retailers sell their commodities at a higher price just because it is Christmas. These are just few examples, liquor is sold the same price as diamond...

#2. People visit up-country once in a year, pimped with Nairobi swag trying to show Ushago people how backward they are. Wait a minute, you have not been home for a year, but you go there for show off, with a hired car lying to people its yours, a new suit that is only worn for occasions, and shopping that is meant to scare people as you flash out Nakumatt paper bags in a place where even Naivas has not reached. Stupid enough, this kind of a guy gives orders at home, commands everyone, and even disorients the timetable at home as he wants to be treated as VIP....SHINDWE...

#3. Watu wa kuomba ten bob wakiona mtu wa Nairobi... Who told my Ushago people that money grow on trees in Nairobi? When they hear that you are around, my friend a piece of advice, run and don't just run, ESCAPE. They are well armed with borrowing skills and they clearly know you don't have a coin, so when they asks for ten bob and you give them a hundred expecting change, dude it seems your wait will be longer...

#4, Bribing the police. If there is a happy man right now in Kenya is the traffic police officer. This is the season to make millions because we will all break the traffic rules, drink and drive, drive at higher speed, drive for long distances without taking a break and all that. Mututho laws are irrelevant during this holiday, but we all have an escape route, kitu kidogo kwa polisi...

#5. Njaaanuary is coming. The month that we wish it would be scrapped off the calendar because it seems to have 45 days. Everyone is broke, hold that thought, not everyone, you remember the guys i mentioned there above, they will not be broke even for a single minute...its just us the common citizens. Reason being, we spent all of it in December, we thought it was the end of the world, endless parties, dishing cash like we are shooting a hip-hop video, taking "clandies" to Mombasa and what no. January is when auctioneers make money, imagine during December a guy was a conductor, in January an auctioneer, in November during the El nino rains he was selling umbrellas,,,,that's how people become millionaires without winning a jackpot.

#6. Last but of course not least, Kenyan men, be worried of two industries that will milk your money like squashing a banana for a baby to eat. Sport-Pesa, this is when you will place your bets in thousands expecting millions, am telling you YOTE NI VANITY. Number two, Safaricom, during December holidays we just fuel phones with credit and never mind looking at the charges, When will are high we call girlfriends for hours, we call fellow guys for a drink spoiling the budget. If you don't have credit in your phone, the higher chances are that you will save a lot this Christmas.

vinniewatz.blogspot.com

SPORT-PESA "The Chronicles of a Fresha...

My dear skirts and trousers, its been long since we had a chart about campus life, for those unfamiliar we call it "the chronicles of a fresha"

Money has always been the problem, "chumz, mullar, dough, cents, cash" and all other acronyms you can get as long as they refer to money. So it happened that i was on my financial crisis period as usual. Man, i was too broke to an extent of joining the Christian Union students who had dedicated the entire week to fast, mine was to avoid seeing food. The first day was successful, i went on hungry the whole day as we prayed and interceded. The problem arose in the evening because my CU counterparts could eat well and replenish their bodies after going hungry the entire day. For me, everything was not okay.  

Why is it when your so hungry is when your neighbors prepare aromatic meals and all adverts you see on TV are about food? It was unfortunate that i had to endure this unpleasant situation as the hostel was filled with nice aromatic smell as i passed along the corridors. There was this block that had a history experiencing blackouts. It reminded me of my high-school years where we disconnected electricity in our dormitory in order to conduct uncouth businesses there. So as i passed along the corridors with my lean stomach that was now attached to the back due to hunger, this aroma of cooking meat could hardly pass my nostrils. It was so conk that i had to peep on its direction, and i immediately sniffed the direction it came from. As soon as i approached that direction, i saw a lighting "jiko" with a "sufuria" on top and i supposed there was meat cooking inside. Without hesitation, i grabbed the entire cargo from the cooking fire, pot, lid, and gushed towards my room in a lightening speed. It was the only way that i was going to sustain my starving self or else the situation could have worsened.

I was salivating profusely and i could not hide my joy. I had million plans on how i would start enjoying my feast and dispose the cooking gadgets to kill any evidence. I thought of putting the food in a paper and pretend that i had bought it at the market place and eat it at my own pace. Greed and hunger could not allow me, i had to scoop the hot and viscous soup straight from the cooking pot. Just after i had made my first gulp, i saw the door's handle fly open and "Wanyonyi" entered my room so agitated. I forgot that the same aroma that had made me discover the meal, led him to the "food thief." He did not look friendly and it was not time to smile at each other, the situation was worse. Everybody knew Wanyonyi's appetite, it could not be quantifiable. It became worse when he was angry, a hungry man is an angry man, remember. I clearly knew that he would swallow me plus the stolen meal. I was a dead man walking.

Wanyonyi called out my name loudly and asked what was happening. Before i could explain myself, he told me to eat slowly and return the sufuria and jiko later. I could not believe my ears, it was very unusual for a wephukulu to leave his plate, especially to a thief. With this embarrassment, somebody introduced me to a simpler way of making money. It was about betting or do i say gambling, keep on the chronicles of fresha to see how gambling made my day bad... 

A CV FROM KAYOLE DUDE "THIRD WORLD PROBLEMS"

                                                              CV

               PERSONAL PROFILE

NAME:           Johnte Maich A.K.A Msanii

ADDRESS:     7890765-0822 UYOLE, YOLS, SOWETO DIGGZ kama wewe ni analogue ni                                       KAYOLE

TELEPHONE: 0722764*** 0709814*** 0734****** 0779873*** 0788650*** (Ukipata ya Safcom                           iko mteja, we dunga ya Zain, Orange, ama tu YU).

EMAIL :              Ilifungwa, Bundles ni ngori mtu nguyaz

ID NUMBER:     354******* But niko na abstract ID ilisanyangwa pale Mihang'o

                          CAREER SUMMARY

Am good in marketing, especially convincing people to board a matatu. Sana sana zile manganya za pinpoint hunichukua internship daily. 

                              WORKING EXPERIENCE

23 AUG 2015 -    M-PESA SHOP. Imagine mtu anakutempt na mulla apo na kukupea job M-PESA.                                zilifika thao mbao nikajipanga nazo nkasare job. Mungu husaidia mtua amejisaidia,  28 AUG 2015

Jan 2015- Aug 2015: SEMI-CONDUCTOR: wale maconda huita wathii waingie kwa mat. Masquad                                       nilidungwa kathaa, experience hapa ninayo. 

                                     

                                      EDUCATION

2010- 2014:             D.E.B, C.D.F Project, Government of JAPAN /USAID Soweto Free Day                                              Secondary. Apa niliwai ka D+ but nilikua poa kuliko bro after kurudia fourth 

                                  alipatanga ki D-.

                                        CAREER OBJECTIVES

Haja ya biz nikumake dough. We usijali venye tutazipata ata kunyang'anya wasee bado ni an option.

                                          HOBBIES

Kuchana sana sana muguka, veve ya Meru ni expe sana

Kuenda baze majioni

kuskiza riddim (kwanza nina stress vybz kartel ako machingili man)

kuenda jam session

                                      REFEREES 

Saich Mras

0786543****

YOLS ukipenda KAYOLE (but huyu aliwaia na masanse juzi unaeza mpata mteja)

Shiks wa Mwaura

07654******

Kariobangi