LETTER TO MY EX...Just keep reading

It has come to my attention that a break-up in a relationship is a rite or right of passage if you like. Even when things seem so sweet in your relationship, that Sms "we need to talk" must be received in your phone ONE DAY. The saddest part is that you will have to part ways and move-on with life separately. In these situations, people react differently; some drink alcohol uncontrollably, some cry, others insult their partners, some seek to revenge, tarnish each other's name among other embarrassing reactions. However, i have decided to be different and unique as always.

 I will write a recommendation letter to my Ex just like employers write about their employees. 

Vinniewatz

P.O BOX lost love

My Ex,

HRM Broken Hearts Ltd

P.O BOX mapenzi.com

NAIROBI.

Dear Mr. Future Boyfriend,

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

This is to notify you that the above named person has been working with our company for the last two years. She has been deployed on a rotational program in an array of departments from cooking, washing, accounting my salary, and planning my time. As her supervisor, there are few things i have noted that I should bring to the attention of her future boyfriend. One of the most important issues is that the purported person is a spendthrift. Since we knew each other, I have not saved a single coin in my savings account. She has been asking money from me like a Sacco. I have been evading fellow men since i cant buy them a round; I haven't sent my mother a dime for a while, thanks to this woman.

I would also like to inform you that this person snores badly at night. Her nose can be useful to make a commercial for Subaru motor vehicle. Her heavy sound at night as resulted to my insomniac conditions; sometimes i had to plug in headphones with loud music in order to sleep. She has this weird way of dreaming where she mentions other men's names other than mine. For example, before we broke up she was just obsessed with Morris, she kept on saying "Mollis, Mollis, nimeshoka."   I don't know what that means but since she had mentioned several men before, i was not moved an inch. 

This lady does not cease to amaze me, she had drafted a time-table for our conjugal. Imagine for me to see her, i mean seeing her (you get it), we had to make a fixture just like the EPL League fixtures. If I was late or there was a match abandonment like Gor and AFC match, this meant that i had to loose all the three points. 

However, there are few things that she was good at. Number one, talking, this lady can talk, she can complain all day long, talk more than a stereo radio. She used to scold me each minute we were together for the simplest reason. I now believe the singer Juliani that electric fence cannot protect you from a nagging wife. She is also good in eating, imagine we had to fill the refrigerator every week and I live in Kayole, Is this fair? She can eat lunch at her home, come to my house and cook, and still ask me to take her out for lunch.

Anyway, the lady has gained vast experience about relationship and I believe she will use it to her next organization. I would like to take this opportunity to wish her all the best in her future endeavors. All the best Mr. future Boyfriend. 

Yours in Pain,

Vinniewatz 

  

CHELSEA WOOS..LETTER TO MOURINHO

José Mário dos Santos Mourinho Félix OIH, known as José Mourinho,

Papa Jose Mourinho can we have a small talk...like grown-ups
I have been a faithful and loyal follower of you his excellency, the special one, unique one, chosen one, and also the successful one. Since came to Stamford Bridge as an expatriate to when you made a Kenyan get hold of a Champions league title at Inter-Milan, to your short-flashy stay at Barnabue. However, of late there are some issues i need we iron out...

What crime did Eva Caniero commit that did not warrant a pardon or solving the issue in-house. I have to admit that this lady is my #WOMANCRUSH of all times. She is beautiful, going through her Wikipedia profile, she is a learned woman who can qualify to be a very intelligent wife.Why did you "rub" her? reinstate her please. Did you notice how David Luiz used to lay down now and then so that Eva can treat him? Believe you me after the lady massaged the boy's balls, we could not lose the match. Coming back to Man-city, i believe Terry and Costa missed the services that is why they opted out of the game. I usually consoled your unbearable face with her's, every time the camera focused on the stands. 

Secondly, why keep lashing on Arsene Wenger. Please Mourinho, let the sleeping dog lie, Wenger is a dog that cannot wag its tail to ambush a nagging tse-tse fly. The old-man is just a football ancestor who should be preserved in a shrine with his under-age team. Just leave the man alone, we are tired of your off the pitch squabbles with the professor of...

Thirdly, please please please Mourinho bring back the bus, they might hate on you but it win titles. Look at Wenger and Van-Gaal, they have already stolen your style, scoring one goal and forming a Babylonian wall to protect the goal. Did you see how Wenger has specialized on the art, removing Chamberlain and bringing in this tall guy i don't mind his name? The "Mbus" as Kiraitu Murungi calls it is our only way to the top, bearing in mind that we are now sponsored by a Tyre making company.    

Your mind games are the best lest you forget. I like how you used to say Diego Costa wouldn't play then we see him on the line-up. It worked, pretty well i assure you. Stop changing now, by the way, bring Oscar back, he is good at least my girlfriend cheers him when we watching our game with her. She says that Oscar is the only guy that looks close to handsome in the pitch after Hazard. We need lady fans to win, kindly bring handsome men. Please do not laugh but seriously, Diego Costa, who says he is 26 years. Gosh, are those years counted in blocks of threes, but maybe i get you. In Nigeria, the under 17 team looks older than Michael Carrick and the youngest looks like Eloquim Mangala. 

Lastly, Kenyan fans are real haters please the chosen one. Imagine one person tagged me these on my Facebook wall. And i quote "Please listen to Chelsea fans, they have a point....hahaha A point after two games...no way!!!! I find this insulting but just leave them, they are called Kenyan football fans, very crazy and creative at the same time. Please Papa Jose, I will end it there but just know am penning down more.

If you would wish to get more of my opinions...
log on to  vinniewatz.blogspot.com

@vinniewatz

THE SIMPLEST BREAK-UP...EVER!

It started like a joke; seriously, i din't see it come but i had to make a decision and move on with life.

Our relationship had taken close to eight years, everybody new that we have been together. Each evening i looked forward to meeting my one and only, i made calls, gushed to our rendezvous each time i saw a chance. But this was all going to end, it was time we had to brush our shoulders and say with confidence, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH...

The day we broke up was much prepared, both psychologically, emotionally, and physically. I had visited a therapist prior to this day so that i can be strong for this major lifetime event. As i sat there waiting for the prime hour to arrive, memories whirled round my wits as i remembered how it all started. A shy young boy who was raised in the christian ways had defied all odds and decided to strike a move. A move that was seen as temptation, sin, a vice, but i had to do it. I had already joined high school, so i had to be like other men. I had to be bold and go against my parents' advice and try my own ways. Little did i know that it would end just like a snap!

Breaking up is not easy, it is just not a decision to make overnight. The message is so hefty that it cannot be conveyed via Watsapp or other social networking site. It requires the person to face it and blurt out whatever words will come out of his juke-box of a mouth. As i sat there calmly, i thought of the expected results of our break-up; losing friends, lacking a place to pass time, especially during weekends, feeling sunken and wasted for all those years...bla bla bla

At exactly 5 p.m in the evening, we were sitting together. I tried as much as possible to avoid a direct eye contact because i couldn't believe that i was the one to initiate the break-up. My lips were heavy, my eyes were now red and succulent, the hands were encroached in between the legs as if i had been dropped to the Antarctica. I had prepared this day for more than a week, but when it came i just felt fear all over me. I wished it would end like a dream and wake up to another reality.

Like all men do, i decided to it just the last time before we break-up. I moved closer without looking up front. She was there waiting for my next move. Her presence frightened the hell out of me and i just kept wondering, will i do it? Confidence was piling up rapidly just like a thermometer, i could feel my heart-beat pounding loud in my lungs. I stretched my arms, moved closer, looked at her, and words started flowing like a stream. I could not believe that it was happening just for the last time between us. At last i told her, "give me the last one." The waiter looked at me and said "really Vinnie you are quitting alcohol?.  Then she opened the refrigerator and passed me another beer. It was hard to believe that i was quitting alcohol, this break-up was so emotional that i posted all the hashtags that we can have. I felt low for a moment, the waiter was just discouraging me saying that she knew i will be back in a few. But i had already said enough was enough, our relationship with alcohol had taken ages, destroying most of my plans and it was time to let it go. So i broke-up with alcohol, not with anyone...

SHEMEJI NINA JAMBO

Akiwa amejawa na kasumba,

Mwanagenzi Mkenya kasakata Rumba,

Na Kijana asiye wa hii Nyumba,

Matokeo ni kutungwa Mimba,

Mimba ambayo ilipo vimba, iliwaletea wanaKenya Simba,

Ndiposa tukapata Mkhwasi!

Ati naskia wee Ni raisi Ughaibuni,

Tena ulianza na udiwani,

Je, ni ukweli ama tu ni utani?

Ufalme wako wavutia kama samaku, kutoka uvuo hadi Ukambani,

wanukia kama karafuu, na sasa uwaja nyumbani

Mkhwasi, karibu tena nyumbani

Rais Obama, nina mawili matatu yakukueleza,

Kwanza, Msichana wako Malia ana demandi,

Kutoka kwa wa Maasai hadi kwa wa Nandi,

Eeeeeiiish, ata mimi khandi,

Naona kama anaweza nipa Shitandi,

Sura yake mzuri mama, mpaka afanya nikose appetite !

Lakini si ya Ugali wala kuku, mbali niya vipusa wengine!

Jambo la pili Shemeji wa Ulaya,

Rais wa Kenya akatueka haya,

Akafungueoko kiwanda cha miwa cha Mumias,

Kumbe nia yake ni kumaliza kanyuaji,

Ati Busaa na Chang’aa sio uji,

Mbali ni Vinywaji vinazoleta mauaji

Ndiposa bwana shemeji,

Usikuje mkono mtupu kama shikongoyoko

Angalau beba sahani, kama mtoto wa Nerea

Eh mwana weru Obama,

Uli mtoto wa Mama,

Kutoka nchi ya Kenya,

County hiyo ya Ugenya

Ndiposa nakuuliza swali,

Je, wewe ni Gor ama Chui?

Basi kama haujui,

Ingwe ndio Chui,

Timu isiyo na uadui,

Timu ya Baba na Mama

Timu ya kujivunia,

Timu ishangazayo dunia,

Iletee mipira na gunia,

AFC timu ya dunia

Shemeji nalikunja jamvi,

Lakini la muhumi nishasema,

Mate hapa jijini usije katema,

Ama Kidero akurudishe mapema, kwa kukiuka sharia za jiji

Lakini usisahau, pia kakamega ni Mji,

Unaweza pitia unywe chai Alhamisi,

Ndio Ijumaa ukamuone Raisi,

Karibu Rais Obama,

Kwa nchi ya Baba na Mama!

By, Vincent Murimi

@vinniewatz 

Metamorphosis of KENYAN youths

Do you remember this? Egg-Larvae- Pupa- Adult. If you didn't go through the 8-4-4 system, well, we used to call it the metamorphosis of a housefly if am not very wrong.

Okay, because now you remember, kenyan youths are exactly like houseflies..

Age 12-14..

For ladies boys become interesting, they like asking their parents all sort of questions. They are cuddled and they always say "mom you are the best". They dilly dally all day in the house waiting for sunday to get a chance of getting out of the house, of course to sunday school. Boys are trying to understand themselves, they are over ambitious and focused on books, back at home they are trying to get incorporated into the outside world, but they still wash the dishes, clean the house and other considered female chores. 

Age 14-16..

Enhe, life begins, probably they are in form two or three. They discover how to watch explicit movies, to sip vodka and pretend to be very high just to show off to their friends. They start says how their parents are nagging, old-skool, policing them, and all sort of degrading statement. They discover the annoying Jamaican Dancehall music which they dance to anyplace they hear a beat. They go to library to see each other and not to read. They are always on their phones and they become extra lazy.

Age 17-19

A little feel of maturity gets induced into their lives. Probably they are out of high school and the outside life is not as cool as they expected. May be they did not get admirable grades and they start finding out whether they have any talent. They stay at bus stations for hours waiting for the newest arrival, the booming car that has the loudest music. They join these street colleges just to feel that they are in institutions of higher learning not knowing that they are wasting their parents' money.

Age 20-23

Joins real college or university and the reality of life jets in. They need money to cater for almost everything they need in this life. For the fortunate enough, their parents supports them and the rest (ladies) looks for sponsors. Liquor becomes a basic need in life and a way to pass time. They fall into failing relationships which do not last more than 52 weeks. The most valuable asset they have is a laptop and a smartphone and nothing else to show. 

Age 24-26

Looking for a serious job and starting to live like a human being. They feel they are very mature that the can go ahead and snub everyone's advice. They view university students as children forgetting that they are only some months out of campus. They always complain of how busy they are but end up using their salaries on alcohol and saving a few coins on M-shwari. Duties beckon, they are invited for burial and wedding committees, they chip-in for their siblings school fees.

Age 27-30

They need a bigger room to dwell in, marriage is a priority, they need to start a small business to act as an extra source of income. They start despising the lower side of the town and brag of how they drink at expensive joints. Life becomes demanding

Age 31-34

THESE ARE NOT YOUTHS, THEY JUST WANT UWEZO FUND AND KAZI KWA VIJANA MONEY!!!!

OBAMA IS SLIM...SIZE DISCRIMINATION

THE CHRONICLES ARE "OBAMATIVE"

With uncle Barack coming home like Nameless this Friday, i figured out what we have in common and how it affects my stay in this globe.

For a fact, we share nothing based on his figurative and noble stature in the society whereas I am just an individual who is below the poverty level, living for 2 USD a day. He is Kenyan like me, but we hail from very different regions, even though my skin color depicts his region, we differ very much. Our names, his first name starts with a "B", the second letter in the alphabet, well, mine starts with a "V", just figure out where i am placed.

Hold on, there is something we have in common, body structure. We are both slim but he is slightly taller than me with a height of 6'1 while i am 5'8. He is a black American, so we cannot compete with heights, I am definitively vertically challenged. However, for the size I am pretty sure i can raise for the occasion. Many politicians especially Africans (Obama is obviously an African) are characterized with obesity, but my uncle has a flat belly.

Talking of Obama's Size, my mind is taken aback to situation that occur back here at home. When you visit your "shagz" (up country), the first exclamation is always you have gained or lost weight. For my mother, having a tummy and a body full of flesh is a sign of having a good life. 1 GB individuals just like me will never get a positive comment from my up-country fellows. This got me thinking, why are small-sized individuals disrespected?

I was once taking a group of students for a competition and when their teacher was called out I appeared. To my amazement, I was told to go and come with another teacher as I was very young to represent them. I politely asked, what age should a teacher have to represent students. You know what, I was told not the age but the size. WHAAAAT!!! I remembered once my friend who went for an interview for a HRM position, he was refused for he had a slender size.

Another example that will fit all Kenyans is what happens in our night clubs. Most of them will accommodate everyone on Mondays because there are no customers. On Tuesdays the age limit will be 18 and 23 on Fridays. I am obviously past this age, but i cannot access a club without producing my identity card. Actually, when i forget my ID i always find my younger friends sweet talking the bouncers on my behalf as they are considered older just because of their body mass. When i try to stop a car on the road the driver will probably pass me as if he dint see me wave. The main reason is that he is afraid to be mugged, but when a guy with a huge belly and probably white hair stops a car, the driver has to stop. The police are also in this, when they meet you in town and you are size 8, my friend prepare to sleep behind the bars...

I am tired of being size-ly discriminated, can someone donate some flesh to me or stop this madness. By the way, uncle Barack when you come, can we visit those body mass weighing machine that are located all over the town. Actually, the one at Aghan Khan Walk which talks to you. I need to know your size before you are size-ly discriminated in Kenya!!