Open letter to my Governor Mr. Wambora

Dear governor Wambora,

I am sorry for not placing any title before your name because I am not aware of your professionalism; to be realistic, all the governors, including aspirants, have titles such as Dr. Eng. Prof., and even bishop, but for you i really doubt whether to call you Mr. CGH (o ooh no, that belongs to Uhunye), Bishop (oops you said you attend catholic church and i know all their bishops). To avoid beating around the bush (of which there is none  coz deforestation has taken place), let me call you Mr. Bleacher....ooh sorry pole mheshimiwa that belongs to the "V" people (Vybz Kartel and Vera Sidika).  I meant the semi-impeached governor; by the way, are you the governor, former governor, ousted governor, or a ghost worker; nevertheless, i will still air my grievances.

To start with, i will refer you back to the problems facing you right now (although you try to deceive us that they affect us all. ooh no those are your own problems). Mr. Wambora i duly understand that you were accused of budgeting for money to go and study devolution in Rwanda..pretty cool, but what is Google for. Sincerely, why do you have spend millions on a trip when you can sit in the assembly hall with a projector and teleconference or tweet like the digital government promised (your are a TNA affiliate i know). Millions of my taxes all blown away to study devolution, i beg (with Niger accent) that's too much for me to handle. Never mind, it already happened, but i have a long lasting solution to the "devolution awareness program" as i will call it for now. Today someone managed to sambaza me some bundles and i "entered" twitter with my dirty, because it used to be a smartphone before they brought Samsung galaxy and iPhone. You know what Mr. Wambora, Dr. Alfred Mutua (you see he has a title), the governor of Machakos (the place to be) has made history in Africa by completing a highway in 3 months with a third of the total budget. If Mr. governor you happen to watch local TV stations, because i know you have a DSTV and you may not be interested in local programs cos they are of "low quality", and in your campaigns you promised to support talent (another big lie), you have already seen what Dr. Mutua has achieved within an year since entering office. I have never had him have squabbles with his MCA's, his electorates, senators, his party, and anyone else. If you are still reading Mr. Wambora or already snoring, lemmi "steal you a secret", Machakos is the perfect place to study devolution. I heard the highway had 11 contractors and only spent a third of the total estimated cost and only took 14 weeks, unlike in your county where the same amount bought maize seedlings that never germinated. From Embu to the city of the future is approximately 400 bob per person and i believe a room in Machakos will be utmost 1000 kenyan shillings and that will serve as a "devolution awareness program" trip. Please go study devolution in Machakos and spare our money, unless you have a different agenda.

The next thing Mr. ousted, semi-impeached governor, stop lying to us that there is any problem with Embians and Mbeerians. That is a big lie because in the grassroots level, we interact very well and i have not seen any difference among us. Whether your are impeached or not, that has nothing to do with us the below poverty level people. Condemn senator, Dr. Bonny Khwalale and his team for impeaching you, but i hear they did investigations and they had unmovable facts to validate your impeachment. Mbeere and Embu community are in total peace, love and harmony. If you have beef with speaker Justin Muturi or senator, Eng. Lenny kivuti... please do not confuse them with the whole community. By the way, i hear governors want to fly flags on their fuel consuming machines called vehicles. Are you part of this scum.. i hope not, what does a flag got to do with your status, your protruding abdomen, fat payslip, and guzzling vehicle already shows your unreachable status in the society. Lastly, barely 2 months ago we lost more than 100 people to illicit brew and unchecked manufactured alcohol. I understand that this country and county has consumer protection organization. This is not the first occasion that people have succumbed to alcohol, the only difference is that the last event surpassed #westgatemallattack in number of casualties that is why it got such an airplay. By the way people in Machakos did not loose lives, a county that exports absolutely nothing, unlike in Embu where we have the best tea in the world, coffee, seven folks, Miraa (Khat) among others. The difference is that Machakos exports their minds while we export our stupidity.

Please, I am not a supporter of your opponents because they are just like you it is only that they have not be given a chance. We saw the other day your number one hater, the Embu county speaker, being shown on national TV in a corruption scam. Politicians you are all the same, i duly hate you with the bottom of my heart. You love our short memory because we will forget in 2017 and vote you in, but for me and few others we won't. Despite the little impact we will make, I know a long journey starts with a single step and change comes in the latter. OMG i am in a cyber cafe and the session is reading 33 mins approximately to 28 shillings and i only have 32 bob. So i have to leave this premises without finishing my letter, by the way am saving to buy a laptop so that i can write you a letter at my own pace. I am very sure you will read the first sentence and say to yourself "these idiots again", but during the election am not an idiot that one i know for free. But i know you can read it after your best team in World Cup loses because you will more than bored, "i hope". Lemi stop before i am thrown out but kindly note that we need to see something in Embu. The moral lesson of this letter is that you should borrow a leaf from your neighboring county Machakos. See you again during the campaigns in 2017 for your lies again.

yours painfully,
sufferer mwenyewe Vincent,
@vinniewatz on twitter.

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Open Letter to Ladies During this World Cup

Dear "anti-football" Ladies
The end of English premier league (E PL) last month was met with a lot of jubilation by our lovely better halves. HSBC Rugby sevens ended too and ladies were more than happy to think that the bait that kept their men away from home is of the hook. They went to an extent of luring men to watch soap operas and reality shows such as Arsenio show, Keeping up with the kardashians, etc with them. One thing they didn't know is that the greatest sporting extravaganza was around the corner. Unlike the E pl and Rugby that comes during the weekends, the World Cup happens on a daily basis. If you share the same time zone with me, Ouch, then things just got worse because in our area the World cup coincides with the time they air the soap operas and reality shows.  If i can take you back for a little while; it is good to remember 4 years ago when the world cup was hosted in South Africa. But because i know you have a small memory when it comes to honoring men interests, let me remind you just once again.

Here are the dos and don's for the next 30 or so days: Rule number one, the TV remote remains under my custody for the entire period. I will not visit your parents unless your dad is a die-hard football fanatic. I will not take dinner at the dining table am always on the couch. The only time i will call you is when i need a drink, remote batteries or the duvet. No enticing me with sex because i know you are only seeking attention  i have already seen it during the E pl; you offer me sex when my team is playing so that i can come home early. No more soap operas and reality shows; buy them in a DVD and watch later. Match replays, analysis, and highlights are as important as the live match. Do not request me to play with kids; unless we are celebrating a goal. Do not console me when my team loses because i can be either violent or emotional. I don't wanna attend any parties unless it involves watching World Cup together. Criticizing my team, saying Ronaldo is handsome, and praising the team that beats my team will definitely amount to a divorce. Kindly observe these and more to come rules for the next one month and salvage our relationship.
 yours sincerely,
THE WORLD CUP FAN

CANADA BUSINESS COURTESY

In the 21^st century, Canada has experienced a high influx of people with the interest of conducting business. The country’s official languages are English and French, but French is more profound in Quebec. Therefore, it is important to analyze the basic cultural impacts of conducting business in this country. To start with, dress code largely matters in Canada where men in large cities dress in conservative suits with colors such as navy, gray and shirts in white and light blue. In most cases, they accompany the suits with a thin tie, short collar shirt and laced shoes. Women can wear a pantsuit or skirt suit, a modest heel and jewels. However, the dress code might be changed due to the cold weather in the country. Secondly, Canadians are more reserved and polite compared to the Americans. Greetings involve shaking of hands firmly and a short introduction follows thereafter. It is also polite for men to offer women hands to shake and Canadians prefer using the last names and their titles rather than their first names.

            In corporate culture, punctuality is a requirement for business meetings and social occasions in Canada. Typical business operates 8 hours per day from Monday to Friday with a minimum of two weeks’ vacation time per year. The management style and leadership vary depending on the organization and personality, but the most common includes offering guided readings, attachments, presentations and effective strategic plan. Authority and responsibility are encouraged during management of the workforce. Another business aspect in Canada involves preparing business cards for your organization and exchanges it with others. Canadians prefer building a relationship before negotiating on an international business. Entertainment also involves courtesy where the host offers the first toast after everyone is served. To beckon a waiter a person quietly says “monsieur” and “mademoiselle” for a waitress.

Gift giving involves a box of gourmet chocolates, flowers, and/or a bottle of wine; people avoid issuing red flowers, white lilies and money because they are associated with love, funerals and bribe respectively.  

want fun in Kenya: KENYA NATIONAL THEATER

In Kenya end month means its salary time so every club is packed with people "baptizing" their salaries. It sounds good to go and have fun in clubs, pool parties, and "spoiling your friends", but owe an to you when you learn that the purported fun does not last a single day. I am not at any point disputing going to clubs; after all, they are there for businesses and they need customers. Actually, it feels refreshing after a full pack week then a person gets a break in a drinking spree. However, people usually complain the next day of hangovers, financial mismanagement constraints, aching body parts, and numerous hue and cries. They say only a fool does the same thing expecting different results; therefore, if you need to salvage yourself from this slavery, then pay attention I have an option.

Kenya National Theater is a national heritage site where great artists culminate and sprawl to the entire corners of the world. This Saturday, 7th June, i decided to pay a visit to this dungeon that produces the best in the nation. It has been a while since i went to KNT due to unavoidable circumstances. So this Saturday afternoon i almost broke into the afternoon nap when I caught up with this group, H-art the band, on TV. Oh my God!!! this group is blessed, talented, impeccable, and creative, comprising of a singer, a poet, and an instrumentalist. Wow what a combination, what a blend, what an entertainment; surprisingly, i didn't fall to slumber. Ouch, the TV presenter announces that they are leaving after just a snippet presentation and i just felt, and everyone else in deed based on their tweets, wanted more. Fortunately or unfortunately, they just said they are headed to Kenya National Theater (KNT) to curtain raise for a play. I did not hesitate, but just wore my boots and in an hour or so, I was comfortably in my seat at KNT. I wouldn't give much details but the group mesmerized everyone present, everyone was clapping, singing along and booking them for a performance.

The play came to put some icing on the cake because from my perspective it was thoroughly rehearsed, proper casting who were devoted to what they were doing, and it was just a deluxe performance. "The aesthetic beauty of arts at its best" is a phrase i coined to describe the performance. For the first time I heard a rendition of Beyonce's hello, Zahara lilowe, Bruno Mars grenade and Rihanna's umbrella in a local dialect, Kikuyu to be precise. Words cant explain the amount of fun I/we had in the hall, the performers never missed a word, tone, vocals, transition or rhyme of those songs in Kikuyu.  By the way i made a new friend and since my car is still on transit from Dubai we had to walk to the bus station together. We chanted about the experience at KNT and for sure she confessed that she will never, ever miss any performance during the weekends. Just check it out for yourselves peeps.

@vinniewatz