My new neighbor is a lady, Part 2

Due to public demand, I have to tell Kenyans and my diaspora(Rongai) enthusiastic readers what innuendos am going through since I got a new neighbor. Without much a dos and a don'ts, Ladies and gentlemen, keep your hands together for Churchill show,,,ooops sorry, that is free airtime, (take 2), ladies and gentlemen, keep your hands together for "My new neighbor is a lady part 2"

"Previously, on Vinniewatz chronicles" (you have to sound like a movie guy reading that part), I was telling you how I fed a cow then another ninja milked it all night as I witnessed everything. I say "God of the poor does not sleep" opportunity knocks once, but for me, its begging to knock again.

Yesterday, I was chilling with my "nguyz" kwa base. I like hanging out at the "Bushery" as in butchery with "wanyamazaji" the guyz who sell Nyama in order to fullfill what our president said; "Kuna wale wakukula nyama na wakumeza mate" your guess is right, mimi ni wa kukula, though kwa macho. I don't know why only ladies purchase meat, if you want to see guys, go to a Madondo Chafua kibanda. "As we were beating story for one another" (kuchapiana story), i heard someone shout my name in a voice that indicated highest level of desperation. "Vinnie, VINnnie, VINNIE" I slowly lifted my handsome face, pulled my chubby cheeks trying to "remove" dimples but all in vain. Anyhow, it was my new neighbor. Based on her panting and the way she shouted my name, I was surely in need, and they say a friend in need is a friend in deed (yani matendo ata hiyo mengine, arama ya dukuduku...).

Remember how last time she misused me, carrying her things and all that slavery, but all i could do "ni kumeza mate while another ninja ate meat all night. This time round I had sworn not to be taken for granted again, once beaten, twice shy. However, this time she looked serious based on the wrinkles she had on her face, more than my cucu's. "Vinnie, nimepoteza key yangu ya mlango, aki can i crush (ama ni crash) in your room, i know this is not a good idea, aki am in need, sorry i am disturbing... bla bla" "Easy girl" I interrupted sounding like Idris Elba, who said you are nagging me. I touched my chin twice and pulled up the color of my shirt, an indication of confidence. I think Versman could have used me for are an advert at that juncture. These were the best news ever, ati she is sorry, sorry for what, sorry my middle foot. Actually she should be sorry for not doing this all along she became my neighbor. Bang! sing along with me " I got a feeling*3, tonight wanna be a good night, ati tonight wanna be a good night..." Najua hapo pekee...

Without wasting time, I ordered for meat (actually it was a debt, the nguy was reluctant to give me the meat but after considering what i was going to bang tonight, he had to, roho safi). We passed via the movie shop, bought a very provoking movie. In my mind I thought by the middle of that movie, things would have gone down, the heat that would have been turnt up, only the oven knows. I hurriedly prepared the meal talking all the sweet things she could desire. I was a prince charming for a moment, telling her how the plot has been clean since she became our neighbor. I inserted the movie and sat with her ready to start the action.

Heeee, not that fast my guys. after supper, she said that she was not in the mood for watching a movie and because the following day was a working day, she had to sleep early. Now, I need a committee of inquiry to explain to me what i did wrong to the ancestors, hii kumeza mate na ushanunua nyama, aii its too much. I tried to sweet talk the lady to spend in my bed for two hours but she vehemently refuted saying that she knows those tricks. Ati she has a guy and just sleeping close to me is equivalent to cheating. Aki she refused and refused, and spent on the couch. Right now am waking up to see her "bootiful" self lying on the couch sound a sleep while i spent the whole night awake wishing that she would change her mind or I transform to a ghost like in Naija movies and do the thing without her noticing. #Teammafisi how do you pull these stunts off? I think i will sell the couch so that next time she has no other option but to spend with me, ama aje wakubwa?

TWENDE RIO NA KA FORM FOUR

Guys this is for sure, I was in Rio. For those complaining that "I have lost" sijui content iliisha" mara nilisanywa comp" Mayne! am there like I never left, am there like Malaria in Africa, I mean like corruption in Kenya. Nilitaka nikae four years without releasing a single like Nyanshyski ama Amani then come with a hot one, but am sorry, my hot story is not cooked yet.

As I said, I was in Rio for the Olympics; am the guy who is making NOCK to be knocked out, the guy who is giving Wario sleepless nights, am that guy trending on twitter, making Kenyans feel like deporting me like Koffi Ole-Kamande (from Central not the Congolese singer). I went to Rio without accreditation, I spent in the Kenyan village, and later was banging a Puerto Rico Chiquita in a Brazilian club like Usain Bolt. I tell you this journey was fun, it was my first time to leave Kenya and sing the national anthem as the rest of the world got swayed in our anthem in awe. All these happened when I was asleep, I went to Brazil in my dreams; actually, on the couch. My father's status in this country is very belittled that he can only introduce himself using my names so that he can get recognition, at least on Facebook. Anyway, as rich kids were masquerading our taxes at the expense of our athletes, I was also busy Usain Bolting back in Kayole.

Electricity had decided to go on a compulsory leave; okay, on that note let me explain why we constantly face blackouts in Kayole. We do not have anything genuine in Kayole; electricity, roads, women weaves, Dstv, and even thieves (your brother can keep your things safe for you here). We use "sambaza" electricity meaning they are connected illegally by a self-proclaimed electrician. The same case applies to water, Dstv, and even mobile phone network. When this "electrician or ni Kayole Power guy" has traveled, probably to umoja, (we guys from Kayole view umoja as one of the Nairobi suburbs, we will do anything to be around Umo and Buru), it simply means we will strive in darkness. The Kayole Power guy had decided it was more important to be without electricity despite the fact that our own Eliud Kipchoge and the others were on the track chasing our final gold medal.

Due to my patriotic nature and the love i have for this country (I mean this country's women only), I pushed my lazy self to the "biggest club" in Kayole, Nyama Villa. Guys Nyama Villla is a place where your drink can be "putted rice" even before you purchase it. But since it is the only place that could afford a generator to stream the ongoing race live, "HAISURU" i decided to go and entertain myself. I had carried one thousand Kenyan shillings which is equivalent to my rent if I add 350 bob. Just imagine i was willing to sacrifice half of my rent to watch #TEAMKENYA. As i sat comfortably on my seat, the waiter (hold that thought, why are they called waiters, ama nikutungoja watuekee mchele) came and asked what I was taking. I said Konyagi, she smiled sarcastically informing me that I was not in a Wines and Spirit pub but a club. After realizing that a single brown bottle retailed at 200 each, i also laughed back at her sarcastically saying that I do not take alcohol to just bring Del-Monte juice.

As I was sipping my juice, I realized one of the Kenyan athlete bowed out, Mheshimiwa Wesley Korir who later explained that his water was mixed-up. Am just asking especially the light-skins who put tap water in Dasani bottle faking that they bought it, has water become alcohol that if you mix Dasani, Keringet, and Executive mineral water tit will go bad on you. Sincerely, Mheshimiwa tell us you remembered the amount of allowances you missed in parliament while in Rio and decided to sit down and mourn. Anyway don''t believe my side of story. As korir's water was being mixed with Konyagi, I was also mixing myself with a gorgeous somebody. She was dressed similarly to the other waitresses although she looked pretty younger as compared to the others. My interest on her grew higher than the recently capped bank loan interests. I decided to unleash my outstanding mafisi game and whip her with ma-lines too hard for her to resist. I immediately became Helium Shakes-spear with my rhymes that were as hot as helium that could shake my natural spear down there. My focus immediately switched from the race to the girl.

As I was busy focusing on this little mermaid oops sorry barmaid, everyone else was on their feet screaming Kipchoge. I thought it was Kipchoge the NOCK's chairman kumbe it was Eliud Kipchoge the marathon gold medalist. I also swung like a private jet on a run-way to stand up and onus the great athlete. That is when i got a chance to talk to my ka-little mermaid. She approached me swiftly and asked me to explain to her like a class one girl why everyone was so excited and it was not EPL that we were watching. That is the moment I completely stopped watching the marathon, by the way I left Kipchoge leading with 8 km to go, did he win? Before you answer let me complete my storo, I sat her down on the other Conner and started explaining about Rio. I begun my story from the time the athletes were training in Iten to how Yego missed his ticket, I also told her that Sumgong was related to Samsung. I made reference to London, Mexico and even Ugandan Olympics so that I can buy enough time to catch my prey and finish the Olympics in style like Usain Bolt. As we continued to talk I wondered why she sat with me for so long yet she was working and she never seemed to mind. Was she waiting to spike my Del-monte, that question was to be answered very soon.

I had already started "beating" stories for her  how I am lonely and tried to text the numbers on TV commercials. "Are you lonely and need love,text the world LOVE to 24671 bla bla bla" I know you remember them, right? Oh my goodness, she laughed out loud and I knew this was a sure bet. I was going to hit jackpot soon although I was afraid the electricity had not yet returned and you know beating a new jackpot in darkness may be quite unfortunate. I was now preparing to "draw" with her how she will visit me tonight after her shift is over. Before she could utter anything, a loud voice called out her name. All the other waiters run back to their positions pretending to be busy as they looked at us with sympathy. The environment instantly changed and there was no need of an explanation. It was the manager of the club, he had just passed with his daughter after church service and he was calling her so that they can leave. The dress-code was just a coincidence, and to make the matter worse, she is in form four yet to complete high school. What a shame, I wish I concentrated on watching the Marathon.

My New Neighbor is a lady, Help Me God!!!!

There is nothing disturbing like having a lady as a neighbor and you are a senior bachelor in this cold season. 

Damn!!!! that is exactly what I said when I saw the person who was moving into the recently vacated house that is just adjacent to mine. This lady is profusely blessed with all the apparatus that a man would wish for in a lady. Am sure if she is a policeman I am more than ready to be among the "Pangani Six," This is the lady who made DJ Moh cry and Bobby Mapesa try to convince us that he got saved. 

The first day when she started moving into the house, i voluntarily offered my services even if they were not sought for. I carried a "three seater" sofa-set all by myself just to try and create the first impression to her. I actually shared my supper with her employing one of the #TeamMafisi proverbs "Najua umechoka huezi pika, kam tupike kwangu." As if that was not enough, I was her electrician, technician, plumber, and carpenter. as I am the one who fixed her shower, TV, sink, and even the bed. Am telling you this lady is irresistible...

My main aim was to get a companion when "winter" rocks the Nairobi county and the entire country at large. It didn't last even two weeks before the rains started pounding and all you could hear is Vinniewatz singing "this is the day, this is the day, that the landlord has made..." She came to the house early and as usual knocked at my door. I peeped through the window veil and after realizing she was the one, i pole danced for a minute. I slammed my arm on the other! FEELING THAT MY  prayers have been answered. Upon opening the door with this wide smile cracking my lips, I said hi to her with an accent, biting my lower lip, rolling my pupil, if Pitbul was around he could have shouted Fireball!!!!!

The lady snubbed my stunt and just said, "Hi, eeee please help me with a matchbox, I have a visitor; hence, I need to cook early. I felt like wagging my tail between my legs like a shy dog as i handed the "kiberiti" to her dumbfounded, she could not even notice that smile. She just said, "hope uko poa" and walked to her room. As she cooked, a train of thoughts whirled through my wits and expectations pressured me to the throat. I gathered courage and decided to go to her room and proof my Ufisi skills. I knocked her door confidently and started weird topics. "Hii baridi joh, waa unaifeel aje." She snubbed my queries with a sarcastic laughter as she continued cooking. 

Moments later, the door flew open and a well-built body, tall, well-shaved man entered the room. The lady did not even mind her meal but rushed to him, jumped on him, romanced and became happy about each other for around five minutes without realizing that am in the room. I left them after saying hi and threw myself on my couch in my room. The problem was not yet over, If you have lived in our "third world-estates" you know what is a bedsitter. It is just a nice name referring to a single room in the below poverty line Nairobi estates. The problem with our houses is that you can hear what is happening in the next room clearer than your what you are watching on your TV. My friends hell broke loose during the night, i could hear every aaaaaaawwww, uuuuuuuuu,,,,,,aaaaaaaaa, call my name, harder!!! The rain pounded heavily and according to my phone the weather was at 10 degrees Celsius. I tried to watch a movie, pluck earphones, sleep, wake up and cook coffee but my efforts came to naught. The entire night i felt like i could return those sofa-sets i carried all the way to sixth floor to the ground floor for that man to carry. Jealousy pierced as hard as a needle, imaginations whirled, and hatred mounted. 

My people in the morning she asked me how was my night? Honestly, what should i tell her. Please the pangani six help me in removing her.... for there to be peace My Neighbor Must GO!!

The word BREAK and how it changes its meaning as you grow..

Break was one of my favorite word during my childhood years. It signified good things that I really enjoyed. For example, I was very fond of the terms "breakfast,"  and "break-time" and I adored these two terms. Going to school without breakfast was not a pleasant thing the same as the bell-ringer trying to late break-time with even a micro-second. 

The second time I interacted with the word "break" I was already a teenager. My voice was breaking and by now you could differentiate my voice from a girl's. It did not take long before i moved to the next stage of the word break. Breaking  virginity, okay for boys its no big deal but for our ladies, its quite some serious business. The word break did not give me a break as i found a breakthrough during the weekend challenge in high school. By then I was holier than thou but it was just a matter of days before I broke into a form one's box.  This meant that I had broken the rules and the discipline committee had to break my stealing spirit. Before I could realize anything, I was in my mother's yard after a nightlong beating. I was now pleading for forgiveness and promising to  never break away again. 

Time went and the word "break" was not leaving me. I found love, I was swept head over heels (I know that is for ladies, but believe you me), I sung her name every now and then, we broke the internet as we posted every move we made together, I was truly in love. I broke into her heart like a thief in the night. She would break my boredom with her romantic SMS and I would reply with an erotic emoji which made her know my intentions of breaking her dryspell during the night. However, it did not take long, we broke up. For the simplest reason that I was broke, she wanted a financially stable man. I broke into tears, my heart broke into pieces, my esteem crushed into powder as I watched her break-away from our love. She needed a break.

"break-failure" I once heard the driver scream, it was a moment that would break life into death. The vehicle we were in had a technical problem and fear engulfed us. And now dear skirts and trousers, the word break changes its meaning, depending with the events in life, but one major thing I have come to learn is, NEVER ALLOW YOUR SPIRIT TO BE BROKEN. 

Nkirote, How many Holidays do women have? Happy Mother's Week

NKIROTE YOU GO KILL ME OOOOOH (Kindly say that with a Nigerian accent)...


The year is barely half-way and Nkirote has had too much of outings in the name of "holidays for women" Asiiii naku weeee, Keke murume, Ichieni Yawa, Lahaula utaniua Nkirote

1st January was the New Year Holiday and as a man in love I took the pleasure of taking my Nkirote to Meru National park so that we can make Eco-friendly, love supporting the greenbelt movement, if at all you know what i mean. February 14th is the day of love, of cause dinner and flowers were a must for the "laugh" of my life. As the year progressed, there was an international day for women or women's day. I celebrated Nkirote as the Woman who makes my life glitter and shine on. Luckily enough, her birthday was somewhere in March and thanks to Facebook i remembered it and did something for her. On the flip side, I have celebrated  more weird holidays than the realistic ones since then

Problem began when she started fixing her own holidays, it all started with our anniversary. Don't jump into conclusion yet, it was not an anniversary based on our relationship, but to celebrate the day we moved to our new house, a bed sitter in Umoja from a single Mabati house in Kayole. Frankly speaking, I have no idea the exact month we shifted leave alone the date. Easter was not a family holiday for us, but Nkirote's Passover. She claimed to share a name with Mary Magdalene as she is called Mary Nkirote, as usual it became a holiday for the two of us.The third "ambiguous holiday" was fool's day. As all of you were busy fooling each other, i was cornered in Uhuru Park doing face painting and Boat riding with Nkirote, she insisted that it was an internationally recognized holiday. As if that was not enough,  May 1st, which was just the other day, made to our calendar of events. I know it is officially known as Labor day as it is a day set aside by the government to celebrate Kenyan Civil servants and recognize their efforts in building the country. On the contrary, Nkirote took the literal meaning and as usual, it was a holiday for us. Labor day is supposed to celebrate all women who will undergo through labor pain bearing you a child. What a lame explanation, but my friends never joke with a Baite Murume, stay calm and take the lead. With no other option, I had to take out..

Just some few days after celebrating Labor pain day, Nkirote is reminding me of Mother's day, actually week. She insists that this week she should be taken out at least two days or the entire weekend. More interestingly, she is not yet a mother. Am even surprised, is our relationship based on holidays? I think Nkirote is blowing things out of proportion...

BUT one important thing to note is that it is an International Mother's Week where we reflecting on what our mothers have done unto our lives. To any mother out there, Happy Mother's day.

Women its a Body Spray NOT an Air Freshner

The Merriam Webster Online Dictionary defines a body spray as a scented perfume product meant to be sprayed on the body, period. Underline the words meant for the body, Women kindly revisit your dictionaries when using these products. I am tired of entering a Matatu and you have to keep the window open even when its raining. 

Yesterday i went to church and our pastor thought i was very attentive based on my consistent nodding. No i was not; actually, i was in hell literally, suffocating and crying out for breath like Jordan Spark. My day started all badly with a drawer hitting my toes striking pain across my nerve system. I wonder why a toe would make even my ears feel pain, anyway, it was a problem even fitting my feet in my closed shoes as Sandals cannot work in this weather. All along the way i walked as if i had undergone the ritual of circumcision a few hours ago. My face was pale with wrinkles as i struggled to walk in pain. Needless to say, attending a church service is quite important to me so  I had to go. My problem was half solved when the Church leader talked of receiving a blessing of healing by the end of the service. But before then...

.....a humongous fatty looking woman swung her newly acquired Kitenge from  Dubai (that is a shop in Eastleigh) entered and fixed herself just next to me. I maintained a nonchalant appearance despite the fact that her size squeezed me out of the seat until i looked like i was performing the act of egestion in the loo,  I know you understand the look am talking about. That did not bother me much as i have sat severally with huge people in Matatus who make you feel like you will request for a refund from the tout as you are literally not seated. Anyway, after she comforted herself at the expense of my seat plus hers, my nostrils started panting vehemently. Something was amuse.

I guess this woman had used an entire body spray container on herself just for one day. Her smell was burning right in my nose and i could feel the hairs found in the nose drop off. They were being burnt by the heavy scent from this woman. I decided to pretend but not for long. Imagine it was raining and i requested the usher to put on the air conditioner. I could see people seated around  look at her with a suspicious face folding their noses. I was in deep pain, my toes are in pain, she has squeezed me out of my seat almost blowing me up into pieces like a popcorn, and now her fragrance can't be tolerated. I formulated a new way of breathing by maintaining my mouth open with the nose closed but it could not work for long. I tried to sneeze but i was afraid of removing some droplets from my nostrils. I tried to reach my handkerchief but her body couldn't let my hand reach my pocket. It was a sad moment for me, i had to leave before the sermon was over....

and sit in a new place.

Ladies use your deodorants wisely, let the person hugging you feel it and not the entire estate. 

SHUJAA WON, THIS IS WHAT I LEARNT

Kenya National Rugby Sevens Team popularly known as the "Shujaas" made a remarkable finish at the just concluded Rugby Sevens Circuit held in Singapore by bagging the Main Cup. The Main Cup is the most decorated trophy awarded during this tournament and this time round Kenya won despite being an underdog or just another team in the tournament. These are the lessons that i learnt and my girlfriend should take note,,,Nkirote I know you will read this, please take note...

#1. Patience pays. It has taken Kenya Shujaas 17 years before lifting the cup, sincerely Nkirote we have only dated for two months and you want me to marry you. Kahora tafathare, i still got other 16 years and 10 months to lift that ring and put it in your finger. Kwanza you are used of complaining that I am enjoying myself in Nairobi and i don't come to visit you in the highlands of Meru. Nkirote, did you hear that Kenya took a whole decade plus seven years too be received by the Sonko Rescue Team Limousines and to get a live media coverage on their arrival, plus a call directly from the president? Be patient my dear, one day i will come to Meru

#2. A win is a win, despite the margin or the score. Kenya won its game in the Semis by edging out Argentina with a "free kick" that was taken by the maestro Collins Injera at the end of the game earning the team 3 points. It broke the tie and when it flew into the posts the whistle was blown confirming that Kenya had swung into the finals. Similarly, at the pool level, Kenya was declared the winner despite drawing with Scotland but a win was still a win. Nkirote, you should learn from this that the score i make in between the sheets it is a score no matter how short it lasts. You usually scream at me that i don't last, is it an exam that i have to go for a whole two hours. I repeat a score is a score and a win is a win whether a free kick, penalty or whatever. So whether i last or not, get used to it.

#3. A foreign Coach is not necessary for success. Ayimba is a Kenyan; actually a former player for the team. Mark Friday and Jerome coached Kenya and they dint cling the coveted prize won by Kenya with a local coach. Nkirote, this simply means that it is not a must i take you out of Meru for you to feel loved. East or West home is thebest. I know our neighbor's wife has spoiled you with stories of how she was taken to Mombasa and other places. Be contented when i take you out to the foot of Mt. Kenya and the Njuri Ncheke's shrine taking the local brew, marwa. (AFC take note)

#4. Its not about the huge bodies, its the strategy. Seriously, if the body size matters, Samoa, Fiji, and New Zealand could have won all the games comfortably. Here strategy matters and that is why Nelson Oyoo shown the world that Kenyans do not only run on the tracks but also in the rugby field. Of late i have heard Nkirote complain that i don't have six pack, six inch, six inched wallet, six blah blah. Lemmi quote my learned friend PLO Lumumba, it is not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog. I leave it there

#5. Your loved when you succeed. Nobody has dared to welcome Harambee stars for the last i don't know how many years. Shujaas too have been sidelined but when they won the cup all over sudden everybody knows about rugby including Wetangula, Khalwale, and Balala even though their tweets proved otherwise. In simple terms, Nkirote when i finally come to Meru, I will bring you a Trophy (wedding ring), foreign coach (take you out), huge body by exercise and a toned body with six pack, i am pretty sure you will love me when i succeed. Even if it takes 17 years, just be patient.

MY RELATIONSHIP IS UNDER RECEIVERSHIP, SHOULD I CHASE IT OR BANK ON IT

 Receivership 

 Receivership is defined by the Wikipedia as the situation in which an institution or enterprise is being held by a receiver who is "placed in the custodial responsibility for the property of others, including tangible and intangible assets and rights", especially in cases where a company cannot meet its financial obligations or enters bankruptcy (Wikipedia). Simply, the institution has no absolute rights to make decisions or handle its normal operations as it used to.  In real sense, my relationship is under receivership.

 I am 100% sure that only the CBK's governor Patrick Njoroge can save me from "my lover." Guys, tell me whether this should happen especially if it is orchestrated by a person you purport to be your lover. Men, oops CBK governor, why are you so concerned with Chase and Imperial banks while i am totally under receivership. Then next bank you want to put under receivership just call my girlfriend, she has specialized on this art.  My friends, I am a prisoner just like the Lucky Duby song suggests. I can't call her anytime i feel, but when she allows it. Both of our phones are protected with passwords but she knows mine whereas she changes hers every minute without notifying me. When i receive a text message on my phone, this is what i hear "babe nani huyo ametutext." She has to know who calls me every minute. There was a day we were coming from shopping and i was carrying a bunch of papers full of groceries and foodstuff. All she wanted to help me carry was my phone. Seriously, is it my phone or our phone, it is so clear that my phone is under receivership.

Secondly, i don't make decisions; what to eat, matatu to board, clothes i should wear, people i should make my friends, and groups to join on Watsapp are all my girlfriend's decisions. If I talk to my Mom regularly, she claims i am a mama's boy, if i fail to call her for a week, she claims i have neglected my family. My decisions are under a receivership. The worst of all is determining when to be intimate and when not to. If i touch her when she doesn't want, it is a problem,I have to keep distance. Similarly, when she wants the touch, she doesn't care whether am sick or my touching pads are not feeling it, she gets what she wants. To make the matters worse, I do ask for her permission to watch my favorite programs in my own television, ati can't i see she is watching the episode of La Gata that she missed. I have to go to her favorite church service and become a friend to her friends. I cannot raise an argument in her presence, she commands the conversation and humiliates me in front of people. NB; she is not from Nyeri

Even the most important thing for men, admiring and appreciating other women on the street is a crime in our relationship. It is normal for a female species to pass in front of a man and the man passes a short compliment like, OMG she has a bright future. In our case that would amount to a divorce, but she always say that Alehandro is hot, sijui sautisol guys are handsome,,,,then why always me? Gentlemen, is this a relationship? Should i bank on it or just chase it like the Chase Bank. Yours in trouble, waiting for your advises but currently am on receivership, i don't know if i will be liquidated

@vinniewatz 

PULLING A "UHURU"

"Pulling a Uhuru" does not mean attaining independence, but survival tactics drawn from the Kenyan President his Excellency Uhuru Kenyatta during his state of the nation address. If you happens to live under the equinox affected area, then you know what happened when the president was addressing Kenyans. I am not political, but what happened on Thursday may give us a tip or two on life skills.

After some members of parliament decided to disrupt the ongoing presidential speech, the President just appeared to be calm and collected, he just laughed it off calling it entertainment. Now the act of laughing something out is what i call, pulling a Uhuru

There are instances in this life that we need to Pull a Uhuru and move on.

For instance, yesterday April 1st, was on fools day where people are pranked and goofed around. I had one instance of a friend cancelling travelling up country because the lecturer had called them for an impromptu C.A.T. It later turned out that it was a prank. Okay, that succeeded, but suppose you are pranking me. I could sense lies from a distance, so i just Pulled a Uhuru and told you that it was mission impossible.

Another major instance happens on social media, reading a post that you know it has been directied to you and it is hitting on you like a sledgehammer. You read, re-read, post-read and promise yourself you wouldn't react only to realize you commented bitterly on it. Please Kenyans, just Pull a Uhuru and scroll down.

This is common with many employed Kenyans. You are supposed to be paid on 27th at the end of the month. Your financial status is quite wanting, so you decide to wait until 29th to go to the bank. One thing is for sure, the two day difference is a guarantee that the salary has been credited. Upon keying in the ATM pin, you do not need to check the balance but go on to withdraw 20,000 Kshs at once. Shock on you, you do not have sufficient funds to perform this operation, the machine responds. Guys, just pull a Uhuru and go on with life, they will pay on 5th the following month.


And if you feel disgusted about something or somebody, please Pull a Uhuru and move on.


@vinniewatz  

WHEN KWS AND THE LION FIGHT, TEAM MAFISI WINS THE BATTLE...

#TEAMMAFISI today i will be your advocate,,,a round of applause to yours truly as i act the David Ndii of the animal kingdom.

Over the last few days, our media has been awash with news coverage about the issue of human/animal conflict. Communities are encroaching the space set for wild animals and the animals are retaliating by visiting the town centers and intermingling with people freely. It is the daily norm to find a lion in the streets of Nairobi may be in a butchery buying a kilo of Nyama, then it would tell the butcher "Usiweke Mifupa Mob." Or even find a monkey listening to a radio, Usiseme ina Uluhya. Our abled KWS managed to stabilize the situation at Isinya where they shot at a lion dead for public safety. KWS may be applauded for killing a lion but there is another king who emerges, Fisi. Smriti Vidyarthi I think by now I should be in your show, the Wild Talk.

The famous Kiswahili quote "panya akiondoka, paka...and when two bulls fight, in this case the grass benefits." Lets take this story literally, KWS obviously represents the government or the society, the Lion, the king of the jungle, for the family man, and Team Mafisi is obviously those who want to reap where they didn't sow.

Am worried for these married men who dedicate most of their times fighting for the society and the government, sijataja Weta. They are family men, with lovely wives who they promised to be a lion in their lives and spend most of their time together. Surprisingly, when they got to the high ranks at their parastatals, organizations, political positions at the "KWS", they vanished. Like the dust during this equinox, they are only seen by a whisker. One, they forget during the equinox the temperatures are too high to even make plants flourish. The same applies to the kitchen garden, its vegetables and all other ingredients meant to spice our meals may end up withering. In this case, the Lion will just be strolling, disturbing people and showing sheep and goats how its powerful. You are left to wonder, the Lion should be fighting wild beasts and other fierce animals, but attacking the public, aiiii even the podium is set to fall. That is when KWS enters the field to counter the lion's acts. A fight will ensue for the entire day, and the lion will decide to retire back to its jungle, fatigued.

When the lion returns back to the jungle, it will be so tired that it cannot even have a banter with the lioness. That is when the lioness will go mad. "Sincerely, the lioness would ask, you mean you fought all day, left me here to dry under the scorching sun with no one to water my garden, you did not even go hunting and you brought nothing for our cubs, and here you are saying that you are tired, chineke my friend." Ladies and gentlemen, what we will witness the following day will be the lion at the KWS office recording a statement. After its dental formula has been dismantled, its mane has been disoriented and the lioness used it to make a weave, and a bandage all over the Lion's head. It will complain of the lioness attacks and we will be left wondering, the previous day it was in the public domain showing its might by fighting an entire KWS army, it could have just done the same to its lioness. This is when the most successful team than the Harambee stars, Team Mafisi emerges, to water the kitchen garden for the lioness.

Ask Mc Jessy and Shafie Weru, they will tell you that it is only the Mafisi Sacco that admits members without paying premiums, guarantors, next of kin, ID number and all those requirements. They only ask for experience, do it and don't be caught, their mantra. Now when the lion is busy showing its claws and waving the paws against the KWS faces, Team Mafisi immediately assumes power in the jungle. Just a point to remember, the Kitchen garden is running dry, what do the hyena do? water it and do it to the best of its knowledge. The lioness will find solace in Hyena's paws, it will complain no more, they will eat carcass together and the lion's position in the jungle will be completely forgotten.

Please ladies and gentlemen, let us first safeguard our jungles before going out for the KWS....


@vinniewatz

vinniewatz.blogspot.com

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INSIDE THE LEAKAGE, NTV EXPOSE', NKIROTE MUST REPEAT

EXAM LEAKAGE, the "AMERUCAN WAY"

As you all know, Nkirote and I decided to tie the knot immediately after the K.C.S.E. results were released. I had to wait until the results were released for two major reasons. One, i had sworn never to marry a woman who attains below C+ (the minimum campus entry mark in Kenya); Secondly, the dates of releasing the exam results coincided with Nkirote's 18th birthday. No matter how much we loved each other, i had to wait for her to attain the majority age or else face problems with the authority, especially our chief. Since his Excellency Uhuru Kenyatta declared war on illicit brews, our chief has been bankrupt as his side hustle (taking bribe from chang'aa vendors) has faced a rock bottom; so breaking a law such as marrying a minor would cost you dearly in the slopes of Mt. Kenya.

 Our love life with Nkiorte has been cruising perfectly well until yesterday when we watched NTV's story #INSIDE THE LEAKAGE. Nkirote concentrated too much on that story raising my suspicion. My main problem was that she kept on asking me to interpret each and every statement on the report. Two questions rung in my mind: why is she so concerned that she had to watch the story once more on You tube and if she really understands English for she kept on asking for my assistance. It did not take long to get the answers.

After marrying Nkirote, our small house was awash with visitors on daily basis. According to AMERUs customs, a young couple should receive guests, probably elder people, who will guide them on how to start life together. One day Nkirote prepared a meal and before partaking it, we had to pray. That is when i sensed danger. "Acheni tuombe" she declared. We all closed our eyes and since we had received guests from as far as from Nanyuki, it was right to conduct everything in a neutral language in order to serve each person well. "Mungu baba tunakuja mbele zako..." immedeatly after two lines of prayers in Swahili, she switched, supposedly spoke in tongues, Kimeru came in..."Murungu nitwakuromba uturekele....blah blah" Afterwards, she was told to give a vote of thanks after the visit, I swear i had to intervene before she messed up the whole ceremony. Imagine she cannot make a speech even in vernacular and she just completed school in November last year, lanes.

That did not raise an alarm as I thought its just a normal occurrence; however, what I witnessed yesterday proved that she is guilty as charged, dunderhead. First, Nkirote's EX is from WARGADUD high school where the crime is purported to have occurred. That raises the question, if the exam was tampered from that school, Nkirote should have been one of the main beneficiaries since she was the first lady to a guy who experienced the leakage first-hand. Secondly, in her mock exams she attained a very high mark of D+, how comes in K.C.S.E she managed to get a C+. Ladies and gentlemen if you really understand the AMERU's accent, for Nkirote its deep rooted. She starts every statement with "Keke" an Amerucan slogan just like the Luo's say "Yawa". She cannot utter a word without adding the AMERUCAN swag, if you really don't understand, listen to MC Jessy or Kawira from Papa Shirandula and your quest will be dealt with perfectly.

After the NTV expose, i decided to do my own research in the house. I decided to do an impromptu assessment test in the house, a R.A.T. Surprisingly, Nkirote doesn't know even the name of our governor, who doesn't know Peter Munya, even a breastfeeding infant knows how he walked away from Ruto's meeting. Another shocker was  seeing the name Wargadud on the screen made her extremely happy until she forgot herself and started making a confession unknowingly. That is when i realized I married an exam cheat. If she had all the papers and only managed a C+ just guess what she could have acquired with her own brain. I suppose a better mark. Kenyans lets desist from this behavior of cheating in everything. We all stand accused of buying driving licenses, employment, exams,

fake twitter followers, even reporters buy stories which means i am not sure whether the NTV story was factual. All said and done, Nkirote must repeat or look for another husband, period. 

I MUST TAKE KEROSENE...

What is the price of paraffin or is it kerosene again?

According to the Energy Regulatory Commission of Kenya, kerosene retails at 40 bob per liter in most cities and towns around Kenya. Forty bob is not a major concern for me, the question is, do you know what a liter of kerosene can do?

Okay, i know you like to forget, let me take you back down the memory lane. Did you realize that almost all the meals in high school had been spiced with kerosene, especially in July and June when the temperatures were chilly (i wonder those schools in Limuru how much kerosene was added to their food). Yes, i know you remember quite well, kerosene acted as a speed governor to limit the speed and distance traveled down stairs. High school was just special, did you notice when a sister to a student, a mother who looked young, or a teaching practice teacher, caused an uproar in school if she visited? Then paraffin was meant to regulate such extreme situations.

Now get me right, i have a problem. The sight of a fine lady on the street especially those who have stolen euro-bond and hid it behind will just cause mayhem among men idling along the streets in the estate. The problem arose another day i boarded a Kayole route Matatu, (although i was going to Donholm not Kayole, kujichocha nayo). In these matatus, Michuki laws are yet to be actualized fully, people stand inside the vehicle. I was one of those who stood up. I had no problem with that until the Matatu went on stuffing people in. A fine lady who did not look like a Kayole resident, may be she was from Kitsuru but on adventure to the East lands, i supposed, entered the Matatu. The pathway where i stood was already full and the conductor pushed me back to make a space for her. Surprisingly, she fit there between as if the space was meant for her. Have you ever closed your eyes when chewing sugarcane or taking something sweet, like shaggy once sung, bite your lips and close your eyes, that is what i did. Her rear view squeezed itself just on top of my gear box, remember my hands are up holding onto the vehicle and trying to maintain balance. If you have been to Kayole you know how the road is bumpy, every time we hit a pothole, my manhood rubbed her behind. The reaction was faster than that of potassium when immersed in water.

As if the driver was aware and enjoyed my agony, he kept on hitting potholes and bumps along the road. To add onto the innuendos, the lady shook her waist as she tried to get back to her position. Unfortunately, i was in track trouser, loose pants. The expansion was very conspicuous and she noticed that something hard was piercing her. I guess at first she thought it was the luggage or i was carrying an umbrella that kept poking her behind, you know how luggage is kept carelessly in these matatus. To make herself comfortable, she extended her hand to remove that "umbrella" piercing her. This is the part you are supposed to whisper Amen or Oh my God depending on what you will imagine. She held it, "the umbrella" this was a mistake, she triggered unintended emotions making my cargo germinate like maize in Eldoret. It became, taller, hotter, harder, stronger, violent, hostile, uncomfortable, problematic and my face started sweating. After noticing what she had done she just smiled to herself knowing the fire she has lit.

Unfortunately, i heard the conductor stop the vehicle and the lady plus other people who were standing alighted from the vehicle. I was left standing alone on the pathway and obviously i was the center of attention. There was a sitting space at the back seat. The problem was making my way to the back seat with my cargo as hard as a bone.After turning to head to the back, everyone looked at me in awe. In a track suit everyone could notice the reaction. I tried hiding with my hands but they were so small to hide anything. Another lady who was old enough to be my mother looked at me surprised, i guess wondering how blessed i am. I solemnly swear, I am on my way to the pump, its only forty bob for kerosene, I will be taking 3 times 1 before sleeping and after waking up, so help me God. I cant stand this once more, paraffin for life. 

PROJECT X...the Nkirote way...

I have not written since the year begun, "I was finding myself" as most of the artist blind our minds with this cliche "finding myself.' For me it was not the case but i was busy with the Kenya Drama Festival trying to pass the creativity mantle to the young generation. As i was busy doing something worthwhile to our young ones, they were busy celebrating their K.C.S.E results. (it is funny how when a school displays good results everybody becomes associated with it instantly even those who didn't sit for the exam). Amid the celebrations, i was ensuring that my drama team members sharpen their skills so that they can lock horns with other teams and give them "old guards" a run for their money. I was in Meru, away from Nairobi, i mean far from this intoxicated town but thanks to social media i was still intertwined with the city. That is how i learnt of Project X, it was unfair how i was doing something positive to the teens but they were in turn inventing something heinous like Project X.

Meru is a nice town with a lot to admire; however, the terrain is quite scary especially to those who fear heights. It is a town that is high above sea level with a higher altitude than most of the places in Kenya. Therefore, what happens in Nairobi might take time before Vaites get a wind of it, but Project X was an exceptional. My students were in full swing with the trend, i bet its due to the fact that they had a mid-term break during that time. If you ever attended drama festival in high school, then you are aware at advanced competition levels students from various schools spend away from their schools collectively into one or more schools referred to as"villages" and attend the competitions venue during the day. As the most accredited trainer, thespian, playwright, instructor, director from Nairobi (with all those tittles just imagine nobody even noticed who i was, ni sawa tu watu wa Meru) I was in the forefront ensuring that my students perform in time and display the best show that has ever been witnessed in the highland region (although that only happened in my mind, when they went on stage, i hid my face).

To cut the short story long, this was the venue where my girls led by the one and only Nkirote and Kairithia were going to execute their well planned Project X. At first, the patron and I did not notice what was going on with our students. They always maintained a distance from us and sometimes we had to look for them thoroughly if we needed them. As a drama festival die hard, i made sure that i remained in the hall watching items in order to sharpen my skills to equip akina Nkirote for the coming year (i was already guarantee for an early exit after witnessing exemplar performances from other schools). Nkirote seemed shy all through the festival which was not usual, i assumed she was suffering from teenage problems or she was scared of the boys. My suspicion was all wrong, Nkirote had something in mind, something that would make me run wild and could even earn her recognition worldwide within a day. She called other girls to an urgent meeting and they had to lay down a workable strategy on how to execute Project X without notifying or attracting unnecessary attention. They held numerous meetings behind school buses, in the lavatories, and even in the villages where they spent their nights.

As wise custodians (patron and I), we did not take long before noticing something was not right with our girls. We were all fond of Nkirote and spending two days without seeing her meant something was completely a miss. We decided to follow up. As good spies, we sent a girl from another school to locate our girls and give us the intelligence information, we were now NIS. The patron assured me that whatever the girls were doing we would pounce on them just like a cat grasps a grasshopper. The girl we had sent came back and told us that she had seen them behind the school buses in the field discussing project X. The venue of their meeting was already suspicious, we knew that our girls were not to something good.

Kwisha, i told the patron "have you heard of Project X" i asked her. Project X is a curse to humanity. It is the worst invention that humanity has come up with for the last 2000 plus years, i told the patron. I assured her that our girls were now heading to hell and we had to act in a haste. The patron was already swearing how she will punish them and make sure they return to school immediately. She almost rung the principal but we had to get hold of them first. Like the SWAT team we swung into action towards where the girls were. As we were told, behind the buses they were. I removed my shoes and tip toed ensuring i made no noise towards the girls in order to catch them red handed. Nkirote was the ring leader in laying out the plan, they did not notice my presence as they vehemently discussed about Project X. The patron arrived and also listened to them carefully. I tell you Nkirote and others were formulating a play to present at the drama national festivals next year titled Project X. They had witnessed severe competition from other schools and started planning for 2017 as early as possible. Nkirote was not thinking of that Project X that were duped to think it was but a very nice idea that i welcome with an open mind.

Meru see you next year with Project X and Nkirote will be my main character. Next time i narrated an ordeal that i went through in Meru, i almost kissed heaven, i cheated death...real story