SHEMEJI NINA JAMBO

Akiwa amejawa na kasumba,

Mwanagenzi Mkenya kasakata Rumba,

Na Kijana asiye wa hii Nyumba,

Matokeo ni kutungwa Mimba,

Mimba ambayo ilipo vimba, iliwaletea wanaKenya Simba,

Ndiposa tukapata Mkhwasi!

Ati naskia wee Ni raisi Ughaibuni,

Tena ulianza na udiwani,

Je, ni ukweli ama tu ni utani?

Ufalme wako wavutia kama samaku, kutoka uvuo hadi Ukambani,

wanukia kama karafuu, na sasa uwaja nyumbani

Mkhwasi, karibu tena nyumbani

Rais Obama, nina mawili matatu yakukueleza,

Kwanza, Msichana wako Malia ana demandi,

Kutoka kwa wa Maasai hadi kwa wa Nandi,

Eeeeeiiish, ata mimi khandi,

Naona kama anaweza nipa Shitandi,

Sura yake mzuri mama, mpaka afanya nikose appetite !

Lakini si ya Ugali wala kuku, mbali niya vipusa wengine!

Jambo la pili Shemeji wa Ulaya,

Rais wa Kenya akatueka haya,

Akafungueoko kiwanda cha miwa cha Mumias,

Kumbe nia yake ni kumaliza kanyuaji,

Ati Busaa na Chang’aa sio uji,

Mbali ni Vinywaji vinazoleta mauaji

Ndiposa bwana shemeji,

Usikuje mkono mtupu kama shikongoyoko

Angalau beba sahani, kama mtoto wa Nerea

Eh mwana weru Obama,

Uli mtoto wa Mama,

Kutoka nchi ya Kenya,

County hiyo ya Ugenya

Ndiposa nakuuliza swali,

Je, wewe ni Gor ama Chui?

Basi kama haujui,

Ingwe ndio Chui,

Timu isiyo na uadui,

Timu ya Baba na Mama

Timu ya kujivunia,

Timu ishangazayo dunia,

Iletee mipira na gunia,

AFC timu ya dunia

Shemeji nalikunja jamvi,

Lakini la muhumi nishasema,

Mate hapa jijini usije katema,

Ama Kidero akurudishe mapema, kwa kukiuka sharia za jiji

Lakini usisahau, pia kakamega ni Mji,

Unaweza pitia unywe chai Alhamisi,

Ndio Ijumaa ukamuone Raisi,

Karibu Rais Obama,

Kwa nchi ya Baba na Mama!

By, Vincent Murimi

@vinniewatz 

Metamorphosis of KENYAN youths

Do you remember this? Egg-Larvae- Pupa- Adult. If you didn't go through the 8-4-4 system, well, we used to call it the metamorphosis of a housefly if am not very wrong.

Okay, because now you remember, kenyan youths are exactly like houseflies..

Age 12-14..

For ladies boys become interesting, they like asking their parents all sort of questions. They are cuddled and they always say "mom you are the best". They dilly dally all day in the house waiting for sunday to get a chance of getting out of the house, of course to sunday school. Boys are trying to understand themselves, they are over ambitious and focused on books, back at home they are trying to get incorporated into the outside world, but they still wash the dishes, clean the house and other considered female chores. 

Age 14-16..

Enhe, life begins, probably they are in form two or three. They discover how to watch explicit movies, to sip vodka and pretend to be very high just to show off to their friends. They start says how their parents are nagging, old-skool, policing them, and all sort of degrading statement. They discover the annoying Jamaican Dancehall music which they dance to anyplace they hear a beat. They go to library to see each other and not to read. They are always on their phones and they become extra lazy.

Age 17-19

A little feel of maturity gets induced into their lives. Probably they are out of high school and the outside life is not as cool as they expected. May be they did not get admirable grades and they start finding out whether they have any talent. They stay at bus stations for hours waiting for the newest arrival, the booming car that has the loudest music. They join these street colleges just to feel that they are in institutions of higher learning not knowing that they are wasting their parents' money.

Age 20-23

Joins real college or university and the reality of life jets in. They need money to cater for almost everything they need in this life. For the fortunate enough, their parents supports them and the rest (ladies) looks for sponsors. Liquor becomes a basic need in life and a way to pass time. They fall into failing relationships which do not last more than 52 weeks. The most valuable asset they have is a laptop and a smartphone and nothing else to show. 

Age 24-26

Looking for a serious job and starting to live like a human being. They feel they are very mature that the can go ahead and snub everyone's advice. They view university students as children forgetting that they are only some months out of campus. They always complain of how busy they are but end up using their salaries on alcohol and saving a few coins on M-shwari. Duties beckon, they are invited for burial and wedding committees, they chip-in for their siblings school fees.

Age 27-30

They need a bigger room to dwell in, marriage is a priority, they need to start a small business to act as an extra source of income. They start despising the lower side of the town and brag of how they drink at expensive joints. Life becomes demanding

Age 31-34

THESE ARE NOT YOUTHS, THEY JUST WANT UWEZO FUND AND KAZI KWA VIJANA MONEY!!!!

OBAMA IS SLIM...SIZE DISCRIMINATION

THE CHRONICLES ARE "OBAMATIVE"

With uncle Barack coming home like Nameless this Friday, i figured out what we have in common and how it affects my stay in this globe.

For a fact, we share nothing based on his figurative and noble stature in the society whereas I am just an individual who is below the poverty level, living for 2 USD a day. He is Kenyan like me, but we hail from very different regions, even though my skin color depicts his region, we differ very much. Our names, his first name starts with a "B", the second letter in the alphabet, well, mine starts with a "V", just figure out where i am placed.

Hold on, there is something we have in common, body structure. We are both slim but he is slightly taller than me with a height of 6'1 while i am 5'8. He is a black American, so we cannot compete with heights, I am definitively vertically challenged. However, for the size I am pretty sure i can raise for the occasion. Many politicians especially Africans (Obama is obviously an African) are characterized with obesity, but my uncle has a flat belly.

Talking of Obama's Size, my mind is taken aback to situation that occur back here at home. When you visit your "shagz" (up country), the first exclamation is always you have gained or lost weight. For my mother, having a tummy and a body full of flesh is a sign of having a good life. 1 GB individuals just like me will never get a positive comment from my up-country fellows. This got me thinking, why are small-sized individuals disrespected?

I was once taking a group of students for a competition and when their teacher was called out I appeared. To my amazement, I was told to go and come with another teacher as I was very young to represent them. I politely asked, what age should a teacher have to represent students. You know what, I was told not the age but the size. WHAAAAT!!! I remembered once my friend who went for an interview for a HRM position, he was refused for he had a slender size.

Another example that will fit all Kenyans is what happens in our night clubs. Most of them will accommodate everyone on Mondays because there are no customers. On Tuesdays the age limit will be 18 and 23 on Fridays. I am obviously past this age, but i cannot access a club without producing my identity card. Actually, when i forget my ID i always find my younger friends sweet talking the bouncers on my behalf as they are considered older just because of their body mass. When i try to stop a car on the road the driver will probably pass me as if he dint see me wave. The main reason is that he is afraid to be mugged, but when a guy with a huge belly and probably white hair stops a car, the driver has to stop. The police are also in this, when they meet you in town and you are size 8, my friend prepare to sleep behind the bars...

I am tired of being size-ly discriminated, can someone donate some flesh to me or stop this madness. By the way, uncle Barack when you come, can we visit those body mass weighing machine that are located all over the town. Actually, the one at Aghan Khan Walk which talks to you. I need to know your size before you are size-ly discriminated in Kenya!!

DIVERSITY A BLESSING OR A CURSE...MULTIPLE TALENTS, MULTIPLE PASSIONS

Today is on a Sunday and most Christians observe it and keep it holy. Being one of them, i opt to keep the Chronicles clean and pass on sense...

I have always wondered why an individual would take an engineering course, enroll on CPA or accountancy, he plays football, he is a drawing artist, and he has some medical skills. Someone once asked me want i want to do in life (that silly question that keeps on re-occurring in your simple miserable life). This was my very simple answer...

 I want to be a columnist, an author, act in plays, be a playwright, director, start a small business, radio presenter, use my college skills which are embedded on business field by either being a banker or a human resource manager. The answer was not as simple as you would wish it to be; actually, i had left out several other activities that am passionate about. The second question was, how do you spend your spare or free time. Then i said, writing poetry and blogging, reading, watching movies, doing research and development, visiting my family, and of course draining the rotgut down my gut. 

It is real, normal and very okay to have an array of interests that you feel energized and inspired to pursue them. Many people who have an active brain are always engaged into something that differs from the other. In most cases, we find ourselves pursuing things that we did not study in school such as modelling and music. 

However, there are several adverse consequences that are aligned to diversity in your talent. One of the most significant issues is the lack of perfecting one art. If a person is talented in playing football alone, then he has all the time to perfect his skills. Conversely, a person who plays football, guitar, acts, and studies hospitality may lack ample time to push his arts. Secondly, we suffer from burnouts, physical fatigue and emotional imbalance from time to time. Switching from one item to the other is demanding. Dr. Herbert Freudenberger in his book Burnout described it as the feeling of a burned house when bricks are left shuttered. Therefore, multifaceted people should understand that burnout is a natural cause they have to encounter.

Another issue is constant stress and confusion as to which path to follow and emphasize on. Many people will call themselves doctors or teachers; they have a definite career path. Unfortunately, we lack direction and this may make us feel as lost and empty.

On the flip side, there are numerous advantages that follow suit to this kind of individuals. One advantage is multipotentiality is “An educational and psychological term referring to a pattern found among intellectually gifted individuals. Because gifted students generally have diverse interests across numerous domains and may be capable of success in many endeavors or professions, they are confronted with unique decisions as a result of these choices.” [Wikipedia]

Secondly, we are comfortable in any environment because we adapt easily. We can listen to all genre of music, have vast knowledge in a broad spectrum among others. We learn to use time wisely because there is no time to waste or engage in unpleasant activities.

There you go folks, Multiple talents and passion is a blessing and not a curse. It is important to note that even people with a single talent have the best chance of perfecting it and ensuring they remain at the top. Blessed Sunday 

DON'T BE A MESS...

EID MUBARAK friends and family but note this as you celebrate

THE CHRONICLES OF A FRESHA still exists...
It was exactly a time like this during the eve of the great Eid-al-Fitr and everyone was excited about the succeeding public holiday. In Nairobi, everyone yearns for a free day to stay in the house forgetting the dark days spent idol before getting employed. As a Fresha, I was so excited that we would be having an extended weekend running from Friday to Monday (You know Mondays are the worst days of the year unless its a pay day). For this occasion, my friend had received an invitation for his nephew's birthday and he extended the invitation to me.

Contrary to my usual self, I was not excited about the invitation but at the same time I couldn't turn down the offer. It was something that i had wished for, but i was afraid of how events will unfold. My friend was an incorrigible drunk who dragged my presence to any of his drinking spree. The main problem about this event was the venue; let me admit and be very honest with you, I have never been to the other side of the town. I have never dined or wined with the affluent plutocratic members of the society; in simple terms, i had not yet gotten a chance of spending a night on the estates that are beyond Moi Avenue other than Kawangware and Kangemi. I was perturbed with how i will conduct myself in front of wealthy people whom i only managed to interact with on my television set.

First thing to note, rich people keep time; exactly at 7 p.m as stipulated in the invitation, everyone was at the venue. There was no excess jeering as I am used to in Eastland anytime there is presence of alcohol. Just the sight of the cheap-750 ml second generation alcohol attracts screams and cheers you would confuse the neighborhood with a Masaku Seven's event. Secondly, in this side of the town people eat (i mean real eating a 3 course meal) before pouring a glass of the demon rum. I did the opposite, i started with serving myself a glass of rotgut, Viceroy. One sharp gulp that gushed down my esophagus making my eyes turn red with a tear-drop. At least i got the courage to serve food where i filled my plate like i had not seen food for two decades. After clearing two bones of chicken meat, i opted to take another glass, this is when my juke box ignited and started giving people stories. I did not notice that they were not interested in my poverty-stricken stories. Rich people only talk about development!

Introduction time, everyone uttered their name in a precise and in brevity; on the contrary, i took 5 minutes explaining my facebook names, and all other irrelevant things. By now, i had hidden my vintage viceroy thinking that there will be a shortage as I am used to back to my neck of the woods. Rich people are funny, they had only displayed few bottles of liquor and my mind was telling me that i need to be sharp and hide some for myself. Just when i had started to get tipsy, they opened the fridge. The ninth wonder of the world, all the expensive liquor that i only saw in Rick Ross videos was in there. The walking Johny, the rock of C (Ciroc), Tequila, Magnum, Martini and brown bottles just to name the very few. I was awed with my mouth agape. There was no way that i was going to waste this God-given opportunity of taking the so-called expensive alcohol. My glass was getting filled after two seconds as i hurriedly gulped the content. I found myself dancing to any tune that played, everyone was avoiding me as i was behaving like those Nigerian women i usually see on Afro sinemas; at least my friend was trying to calm me down.

The next thing i remember was lying flat on the toilet basin as i had messed the living room. I was drunk beyond recognition, my clothes were messed up. I had dismantled a laptop, broken glasses and the host was demanding that i clean the house and replace the expensive glasses albeit repairing his laptop. When i gained conscious, it was dusk and everyone had left the room other than my friend who was by my side. Funny enough, i was still clung to the bottle of liquor that i had hidden for my stock. After cleaning my mess, the next thing was to hire a cab to my room and vowed not to attend rich people's bashes again because i was the only odd-one out.
P.S. i never honored that promise, invite me and see

Be safe people, don't drink and drive or mess up. EID-MUBARAK

DISTURBING behaviors by women passengers

The Chronicles of a Fresha always brings you the reality of life in the most interesting way you will ever find.

In Kenya, especially Nairobi, Matatus or the P.S.V's are the main mode of transport for most of the residents just like me. However, some disturbing manners elicited by ladies in these vehicles are too huge to swallow leave alone to stomach. As a result, i will vomit them one by one....

#1. Fare...
What is the need of looking for your handbag all over the place to remove your transport fee when the conductor approaches and it is half-way the journey. From when you board this matatu, one thing is for sure that you shall pay for the services offered. I am disturbed when am seated to a lady and she has to shrug her Tuskys, Nakumatt, Kassmat paper bags, Keringet bottles, umbrella and even Galitos polythene bags looking for her handbag to extract her fare. JIPANGE MAPEMA

#2. Travelling with your extended family kids and you cannot handle them..
"Uncle/Auntie nishikie huyu please" is a very famous phrase where they ask you to help them carry these children. A person boards matatu with 13 kids and is  only willing to pay for three seats meaning the neighboring passenger will have to help in migrating your family. BUY YOUR OWN CAR or travel alone

#3. Being always moody...
Nairobi ladies are always on headphones and scribbling their mobile phones even when they are out of power. They use the screen as a mirror just to make sure they avoid any contact with the person seated next to them. They also fold their lips in a manner likely to suggest they have kissed a thousand frogs and you are definitely NOT the prince charming..

#4. chewing...
#self-explanatory please you chew like cows' cud. please, gerrrr out here,,,chew ugali instead!

#5. Seating like you are...
ladies, kindly note that men should occupy the largest part of the available double seats in a matatu. This is because men seat while spreading their legs and most of them are taller than the available space between two adjacent seats.

#6. Coins and Notes...

A Nairobian lady can never give the tout coins of seventy shillings in tens denomination but pull out a note of thousand shillings to impress the other passengers, sorry, STRANGERS. Girl, you only live for yourself, give the poor conductor a simpler time by issuing the coins you have. you give notes in matatus and coins in churches....#ndingihota like Ciru Muriuki...