"Hey Roomie, its tomorrow" I said confidently. He just nodded facing the opposite direction, i wasn't sure whether he had heard me or he was just ignoring me. After all i am a fresha so he can choose to answer me or just ignore. The day kicked on slowly, everything dragged starting with classes, rehearsals, meals, everything was just in such a sluggish pace. In fact, lessons were the worst, even the teacher to me looked like a girl, "sema kuchora giza." My mind was bombarded with illusions of this kind of a beautiful lady, carrying cupid arrow, aiming straight at my heart, ready to fall in love with me, go to bed with me, and live with me happily thereafter (if you remember the ogre primary-school stories). This was the perfect revenge i could give my roommate. "I have spent out for days, he will spend for weeks, i will be kissing this lady every time he shows up into the room", i told myself with such a nonchalant smile. I was in a melancholy mood that my feelings were oozing profusely, due to the thought of a person i have not yet met. Since i could not hide my joy, i proceeded to tell my friends in class how i am expecting a bigger day than the promulgation of the constitution. "Eish, this guys hate me, hawanitakii", that's was my response after a small banter with my "homies."
"Unajua madame wa FB vile hukua fake, me kwanza nilimeet na mmoja nikidhani ni Mrs. Kenya, but kile kilitokea, heh, ata si kiatu, boss ilikua ni gumboot", blurted one of my friends.
"Kwanza wao hua ma sugar mummy wanategea tuboys watumisuse", said another. I had heard of such stories but i was convinced beyond doubts that it could not happen to me. "Wengine ata ni watu wa Nigeria wanatafuta watu wakutoa sacrifice". What argggggg!!! I can't listen to any of these ill-informed statements by people who are only envious to my lingering opportunities. "wananisikilia tu wivu", i consoled myself.
Later in the evening i hardly concentrated on anything. All my emotions, visions, illusions, confusion, notion, conviction (oops! i just rhymed "nasiringi") were embedded to this wonderful queen i was suppose to meet. Dreams that night were all directed to meeting her and having a sumptuous moment with her, probably bed her. Yea i just said it, bed her, based on the exposure from my roommate and the half-naked classmates, my emotions were skyrocketing as days passed by. I had sworn to do anything in my power to ensure that i see the color of her inner-wears beside me. The night did me a great favor because after tossing for a few hours juggling within several romantic dreams, it was morning, again. I woke up to the reality that this was the day that i am supposed to meet my senorita, my secreto de amor, and within a flush of a moment, i gushed to the bathrooms hurriedly. Should I take a bath twice, brush my teeth with two brushes, or borrow shoes and a new shirt (that's too high-school so i discredited it). what should i do to ensure that i am the most noticeable person in town? Mind you i had cleaned my clothes with Toss because their adverts says washing clothes with Toss makes you noticeable. Events unfolded quite fast, time rushed, as emotions engulfed my innocent self. We took breakfast with everyone else, but i announced that i would not be attending any of the classes that day.
"Sasa wewe hyo date yako ya saa nane na dame wa Fb ndio inafanya uhate daro ya saa mbili", one of the friend jeered. It was embarrassing but seriously we were to meet in the afternoon and classes were starting as early as 8, why was i intending to miss classes. Anyway, i decided to attend the first two lessons, and by the way, our college was situated at the heart of CBD; hence, it was easier for me to meet her from that point. I borrowed different kinds of body sprays, applied roll-on, ditched my usual Valon oil and applied Nivea for men lotion for the first time. I strongly believed the phrase that says, "when i am smart, I am more than confident." The mixture was too much to get a distinct smell; hence, the concoction ended up smelling like a goat's pee. Never mind, i was still glamorous and feeling very confident to meet even Queen Elizabeth leave alone Beyonce or any other socialite.
After the classes, i could not waste any other minute, greeting me on the road was wasting my precious time as i was headed to a much important event in my life. By midday i was at our meeting place, despite the fact that the date was meant to commence at 2. I told myself that keeping time is the key to unlocking her heart, to me our date was much important than a job interview. I smiled at every passer-by almost asking them whether they noticed how smart i was and who i was going to meet. Haiya, it's already 1 p.m.. let me call her and know her whereabouts. I confidently flushed my phone out of the pocket, rolled my shirt sleeves, dialed the number, cleared my throat, licked my lips, smiled a little bit, changed my standing gait and made a romantic posture, changed my voice and pressed the call button (yea a button, touch screens were only in the movies by then). Then i had this kind of a reply from the receiving end, "tafadhali mteja wa nambari uliyo piga, hapatikani kwa sasa". oh oh oh oh my goodness, never, this is a mistake, no this "mteja lady is only playing with my psychology, she cannot be out of service", i convinced myself. I dialed the number for the 100th time even the phone started suggesting that i should be patient, but the response was still the same after dialing once again. Tears cascaded my cheeks in disbelief, my emotions overwhelmed my strength, my posture collapsed, my energy flopped, "how could she do this to me", "how will i explain to my friends, what transpired." Anyway mwanaume nikujifanya". I dragged my now lazy body to a nearby county council"s resting seats and flopped like a heavy bunch of Eldoret maize from a crowded lorry carrying numerous sacks of charcoal. Thoughts whirled through my wits wondering what had just happened. "she could have told me a day before, although i could not have agreed, that she will not make it". I sat there for more than an hour just contemplating on what had just happened, looking extremely sad, almost crying, looking extremely desperate.
At 3 p.m i was still on the same seat feeling dizzy, sleepy and unwilling to answer anybody let alone my own phone or even my favorite Facebook messages. I heard my phone receive a text message, but i was too weak to answer. "these are my friends asking how the date is progressing, and i don't wanna talk to anyone", i told myself, so i ignored the text completely. 15 minutes later, my phone was ringing profusely that i forced myself to answer. Holy shot (i didn't say what you expected you ill-minded person), thank God its her, i started shaking as i answered the call, my hands were wet and my words disappeared completely. And the way i had vowed to talk dirty to her if she even dreams of calling me, i had sworn to call her all the nasty words i knew, but the strength of a woman worked magic, i obediently answered the call. I found myself calling her babe, apologizing as if i was the one who had wronged her. She promised to be there in a minute and gave me a thousand excuses, although i never bothered, why she was off. Within a few minutes, she arrived, dressed in these flowery dressed that combined all the colors you could think it is a "peter marangi's" advert or "Masaku 7s, akamba fans". To make it clear, she was beautiful to the eyes of a "fresha", coz, at this age and stage i can never try to say that that is what is called beauty, but just a poor imitation. She had this funny hairstyle, where she had shaved her hair like the 1980s old swag, i bet she inspired Lupita Nyong'o. Her walking style was kinda wobbly because the legs looked like they were criss-crossing each other. She had applied too much make-up to identify her original skin color, her nails were unkempt (i later learnt that they are called artificial nails, i thought she had refused to trim her nails for quite a while, "ufresha nayo"). On a positive note, she gave me these warm hug, squeezing me between her breasts that i closed my eyes emotionally, she sandwiched her legs in mine (guess what happened to me there downstairs), her arms were allover me until i felt ticklish, i started getting shy, what are we doing in-front of all these people, gosh this is being manner-less (i thought).
Anyway, straight to business of the day. This is the time i realized that i had not done my homework well, i had no idea what hotel we would be going for our sumptuous date. oops, i had tripped, but my creative nature deceived me to request her to suggest her place of choice. The place she suggested i am quite sure i cannot pronounce the name even now because it sounded french, it was actually french. But in my quench to get laid on our first date, i obliged, and we walked hand in hand to the eatery point. To my amusement, the place was well decorated, well lit, comfortable couches (i was used to hotels with timber seats just dug straight to the ground, or a ken-poly plastic chair for the most expensive eatery point i have ever been to) and it clearly meant that this was an expensive place. The interior decor symbolized the exquisite guests around, i can guarantee you that we were the only awkward people around, especially me. This is when i remembered my roommate's advice, money. OMG i had only carried 1 thousand Kenyan shillings, actually that was the only money i had for the entire semester. My "fresha" mind had guaranteed me that 1 k was quite huge amount of money, actually if you convert it to Zimbabwean money you will get tired of counting the zeros. After pulling the chair for her (as advised by roommate), we sat down in jovial mood that shown our expectations. "Hii dame ushakula" my mind deceived me once again. To me, this was a finished game, it was time to take revenge by sending my roommate to exile. The waiter came and with this humble voice requested for our orders. Ladies first (following the advice), and you will take mine later, i said. My friends, the name she uttered, even Google would stumble finding it, oeufs en meurrete cousine. That is when i smelled a rat. What the hell was that, i expected "respectable" meals such as "CNN yani chapati na ndengu" or "ugali omena". Sweat broke immediately, i tried to force a smile, but it was so hard to make it. I closed one eye like a person trying to release a fart without being noticed then it comes out so loudly. Imagine what was brought on the table, a handful of poached eggs, soaked in red wine and some pepper wrapped with something made of wheat, i don't care knowing its name. The waiter said to me, "your order, boss," "the menu please" i replied. The main purpose of requesting for the menu was to study the prices of the oeufs en meurrete and not the meals. To my amusement, it only costed, imagine only, very little, just a few coins (i hope you understand i am being sarcastic) 1200 bob. Such little food that looked like it was meant to food-poison a rat costed that mush. To add wounds to injuries, she ordered for a glass of wine.That translated to approximately 1500 bob, that was my lunch money for the entire month at our usual joint. I calmly requested the waiter to leave as i would be making my order in a few minutes, later.
At this juncture, she tried calling me babe, but i could here none of her words.My thoughts were glued on the next thing to do. I sent a quick text message to one of the classmate, "hi, dude urgently send me 1k am in a hot mess right now, explain later," he replied, "in class let me see after the lesson." "Hi babe, aren't you eating", she inquired. I looked for a lie that would convince her to no avail. "eehee..aaa..mmmm..nlikua..ee.. kuna..viii..choo ziko wapi" i finally spat out. "ati washroom, do you want to run away?" she said jokingly. "no babe", i answered in a confused face. Actually that was my idea but the loos were situated strategically such that you could not escape unnoticed. But since i had requested, i proceeded to the loos. Now i was more than shaking, making numerous calls and the answer was the same, "manze sina dough sai". I spent more than 15 minutes there with no aid from anyone. I finally composed myself, went back to the seat, thinking of a plan B. "Hey babe c umekaa loo, no wonder hukua unataka kukula, but na hope sai uko fine, make order basi", as if she was the one paying. I text-ed my friend once again and now he replied "mayb nifike kwa room nchukue i send you". That meant i wait for another two to three hours, how would i buy such time. The waiter was approaching to take my order for the third time now. Boss what are you taking, he requested, ee kuna M-pesa apa karibu, i asked, apa tu nje kwa doorstep, he replied in a smiley face.
"Ok, babe lemmi withdraw money apa down i kam, make yourself comfortable, and please ku unanisaidia kumake order", i said as i walked towards the door. I scrolled my phone for a zillion time now. Messages to calls, settings and games, the old snake xenzia, within a flash of a second my phone was off. I walked as fast, actually i run, without looking behind, a car almost run over me as i run for my dear life. I was now panting profusely as i walked straight to the hostel. My room number, A206, was ringing in my mind. Upon my arrival, i disconnected my phone i removed even the simcard, changed my Facebook account, because i thought she would trace me, that was the only way i felt a bit relieved.
That is how my relationship with my lover was short-lived, my revenge mission was aborted, my dreams of getting laid died, and i was now a disappointed man. But on a positive note, i had saved my 1k as it was meant to last me for a month or more than that. That is how i was friend-zoned by illusions, and "ufresha mob", not by a girl.
The chronicles of being a fresha continues though that marks the end of season 1...
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